Need Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Need Help
7
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 9:24am
Hi, all. I need some help. I've had panic disorder since I was 16, so I'm very familiar with it. I've had it pretty well under control for the past few years--with the help of medication. In fact, for the last year and a half I was on no medication and was doing quite well. Recently, about a week ago, I started having panic attacks again. I went to the doctor and he put me back on my medication. It's helping a lot--at least I'm not having as many panic attacks. My worst time is in the morning....it's like by the end of the day I can calm myself down and think rationally, but in the morning it's like I'm back at square one. Anyway, my real problem at the moment is that even though the actual attacks are better, the anxious thoughts just won't stop. I worry about everything...even things that are totally irrational. For example, I've read that Hepatitis C or HIV can be spread my the manicure tools at nail salons. Any woman that's had her nails done knows that you get little cuts and scrapes along the sides of your nails and cuticles from the emery boards and electric buffers. And I've personally seen them go right from one customer to another without cleaning the electric buffers, or getting a new emery board. So now my hysterical thought process goes something like this: if they cut someone with one of those diseases before me, and then cut me, I could have one of those diseases...or if they used the antiseptic stuff from the bottle on someone's cut and then on mine I could have that disease....or if nail polish from someone's cut got into my cut from the same bottle....then I worry that I've given some horrible disease to my husband....then I worry that I've given something to my son...then I'm afraid to touch my son or husband....it just goes on and on. I told my doctor about my fear, and he didn't really blow me off, but he made it sound like it was no big deal. I have to go back in 4 weeks for routine blood work for my medication, and he said if it'll make me feel better we'll do a Hep C and HIV test then, but that he's sure they'll be normal and not to worry. But how can I not worry? And how am I supposed to wait 4 weeks? It's all I can think about, and I'm so scared of spreading some horrible disease to my family. Then I tell myself it's been 8 months at least since I last had my nails done, so surely I'd have some sort of sign or symptom. But then I read that there are often no symptoms. I'm just scared to death and feel like I can't wait 4 weeks when I could possibly be harming my family. Then I tell myself, wouldn't the doctor have told me to refrain from sex or be careful with cuts and things if he was truly concerned that I'd been exposed? I read conflicting messages about how high risk this exposure is. And if it was that easily transmitted, wouldn't hundreds of women have this disease? Does anyone know anything about this? And how can I stop obsessing? Please help me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2004
In reply to: ohbaby122502
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 10:24am

Hi there. Wow - I totally know what you mean. I do this to myself a lot and it drives me to major anxiety and depression. Sometimes I am ok for a while and then it comes back and I am a mess again. I recently had to be put on Zoloft to help. It helps some but I still have the thoughts, just not as many attacks.

I do the exact same thing you do. I do not get my nails done, but if I did, and I had read what you read, I am sure I would have ran the EXACT same thing through my mind. Let me give you some examples. I have a big fear of cancer. Not sure why, but I do. This is very bad for me to admit to, but here goes. A guy at work had cancer and is undergoing treatment and may be ok now. I have found myself not touching things he has touched and keeping distance from him. Now I know you cannot catch cancer from someone like that, but I cannot get it out of my head sometimes. Another example - I recently had to have stool studies done because of some stomach problems. (turned out to be nothing but anxiety) I picked up the sample specimen jars and some of them have fluid in them that the stool mixes in with for testing. I did what I needed to do and got a little bit of the fluid on my hand. Then I read that it was formaldehyde and that it is a known cancer causing agent. I totally went to the extreme in my mind. I thought what if it soaked into my skin or I breathed it too long and then got cancer. I got very upset. I was in a total panic. I kept telling myself that people work around that stuff all day and they are ok but that did not matter at the time. Another example - I am paranoid about public bathrooms. I always do the squat thing or put LOTS of paper on the seat before sitting down. One day I asked my husband what he did and he said he just wiped off the seat normally unless it looked dirty and sat down. I nearly lost it! I started thinking that he could have picked up a disease and gave it to me and we would both be messed up. I have many other examples, but you can see that I do the same thing as you. If I have any pain or ache or any strange sensation, I freak out and get online and scare myself silly. I read something somewhere about ear pain having to do with leukemia. When I clean my ears after showering, they felt tender and BAM I was thinking I was dying. Also, I had blood work done with a GI doctor and he said all was well except my WBC count was slightly elevated. He wanted the stool studies done to check for infection. Could I just accept that? NO. I ended up reading about leukemia and how a symptom is high WBC. I totally lost it for days on that one. Then I later talk to the family doc office (who I drive crazy) and they read my bloodwork numbers off to me for the last 3 or 4 years and my WBC is always at that level. They say that is just my norm. What a relief, but what major grief I put myself through.

So, I can tell you that you are not alone.

As for how to stop this - I don't have a lot of advice for you because I am trying to stop it myself. My med seems to help some. I tend to have the thoughts and worries still but they don't last nearly as long and they seem to go away much quicker. Hopefully this will be the case for you once your meds are fully working which can take 4-6 weeks. Sometimes even 8 weeks to work fully.

Now, I see a therapist but that does not help me much with the worries. But maybe it would help you. It does help a lot of people.

A few things I am trying to learn to accept are: 1) I cannot control everything. I can eat good, exercise, and take good care of myself, but if something is going to happen to me, it will no matter if I worry or not. 2) I am trying to put my fate in God's hands. I know it is there already, but I am trying to get myself to let him take care of me. This is proving to be very hard. I think I need to be more secure in my faith first. I am working on it. 3) Most things that we worry about never come true. This is VERY true. Rarely do our worries turn out to be realistic. 4) Some doctors are just there to fix your symptoms, not your problem. This is hard for me to accept. I don't just want a bandaid. But, that is what many docs give. They figure whatever you are telling them can be lumped into anxiety, depression, etc and they have a pill for that, so that is what they give you. Now, I am NOT saying meds are not needed. They certainly are in some cases, but don't think that the meds alone will fix you because they won't. You have to try to accept and believe in these things I have mentioned (#1-#4) in order to get better.

Hope that helps. Post to me anytime.

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: ohbaby122502
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 2:53pm

Hi & welcome to our community. You are not alone. Kim gave you alot of great advice.


I practice breathing & meditation to help me through spells of severe anxiety & panic. I have the intrusive thoughts, too. Always they focus on my health.

 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
In reply to: ohbaby122502
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 11:37am
Thank you for your reply. It helps to know I'm not alone. My husband is extremely supportive, but he doesn't really "get it," you know? He tries, but he just can't. He thinks I'm just a worrywart, but it's so much more than that. I DO worry about a lot of things, but normally I can just let them go after I've though them through logically. After having had this disorder for so long, I'm good at recognizing the warning signs that I'm going to have an attack (at least I thought I was), but this has just hit me out of nowhere! I've told myself that I really shouldn't look things up on the Internet, because all I do is get myself even more worked up....and you never know what's true on the 'net. I tell myself I should trust the doctor, who surely would have shown a little more concern if he thought I had really been exposed. I pray all the time. That helps me a lot. I try extremely hard every day to put things in God's hands, and tell myself that He has a plan, so there's no sense worrying about things.....things are going to happen according to His plan, and there's not a thing I can do about it. I can make myself feel better for short periods of time, but then like I said in my first post, in the morning I'm back at square one. Last night I actually felt pretty good. This morning was really bad. I'm so tempted to call the doctor and see if I can't get the blood test done sooner, but I don't want to be annoying. He's got his reasons for waiting. I haven't had my nails done in at least 8 months, so the antibodies they test for would've had time to show up by now, but I'm sure he has a reason for waiting. I just feel like I can't make it that long. Not knowing is driving me crazy. And I'm frustrating my husband, which I feel terrible about. And I'm so scared that I'm going to give something awful to my baby boy, who I just love more than anything. Anyway...I'm sorry to ramble. Like I said, today is one of my "bad" days. Thanks again for the reply, and I hope your medicine continues to work and improve your condition.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
In reply to: ohbaby122502
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 11:50am
Thank you. I'm so glad I found this board. I do have a great doctor that is very understanding. I think he realizes that this is my specific trigger for the moment, and is willing to do a simple test to quench it. It's the waiting that is driving me bonkers. My husband is getting frustrated with me. I feel totally exhausted by the end of the day--not just from my medication (which makes me really tired) but from the constant back-and-forth that goes on in my mind all day, constantly. The "logical" side fighting with the "sick" side. I'm very discouraged. What really gets to me is that I did well for so long. Over a year with no meds and no major panic attacks! And I had some things happen that would normally have caused them. My son got incredibly sick and was in the ICU for 3 days, but got better, thank God. And I dealt with it without any medication or panic attacks. I had a pap smear come back abnormal which would normally send me into a tailspin, and I had to wait THREE MONTHS to go get the repeat test, and I was fine the whole time. Sure, I worried a little bit, but I didn't obsess. Everything was fine with that, too. Then, out of nowhere, just sitting at my computer one day at work, I start freaking out that I have HIV or Hepatitis C........WHY? Nothing triggered it that I can tell. It's very frustrating and discouraging to me. And you're right, this will only be a temporary fix....I will probably replace it with some other health concern or ailment that I'm just sure I've contracted.....but what I'm REALLY worried about is that I've given something to my husband or son, or that if I do have something I will have to constantly worry about giving it to them. I love them both just sooooooooo much, that I couldn't bear the thought of having hurt them in any way. I do try to remind myself that we're exposed to things every single day in this world, and I can't worry about all of them. You can get a cut on a shopping cart and be exposed; you can get skin your knee on the sidewalk and be exposed; you can eat food from a restaurant and be exposed. I have to keep in mind, again, that GOD is in charge of my life. And as long as I have faith and believe in God, I should have nothing to fear or worry about. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: ohbaby122502
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 10:46pm
Hi!

Blessings, Suz   Posts in this Community   

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: ohbaby122502
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 7:28am
Hi! We have missed hearing from you. I have posted a news update on nail salon safety in the *off topic* discussion folder below. HAGD! (((hugs))) jan



 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2005
In reply to: ohbaby122502
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 10:17am
Hi, I can totally relate to your anxiety. I too obsess about my health. By the way, I am a Leo too! The best advice I have received from this board is NOT to visit medical web sites- they only fuel the anxiety. Maybe you could try a little meditation in the am when you first wake up as you lie in the bed. Try guided positive imagery - you know, like a sandy beach, etc. Also, I have started yoga to try to calm my anxiety. Good luck and keep us posted.