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| Wed, 03-16-2005 - 9:24am |
Hi, all. I need some help. I've had panic disorder since I was 16, so I'm very familiar with it. I've had it pretty well under control for the past few years--with the help of medication. In fact, for the last year and a half I was on no medication and was doing quite well. Recently, about a week ago, I started having panic attacks again. I went to the doctor and he put me back on my medication. It's helping a lot--at least I'm not having as many panic attacks. My worst time is in the morning....it's like by the end of the day I can calm myself down and think rationally, but in the morning it's like I'm back at square one. Anyway, my real problem at the moment is that even though the actual attacks are better, the anxious thoughts just won't stop. I worry about everything...even things that are totally irrational. For example, I've read that Hepatitis C or HIV can be spread my the manicure tools at nail salons. Any woman that's had her nails done knows that you get little cuts and scrapes along the sides of your nails and cuticles from the emery boards and electric buffers. And I've personally seen them go right from one customer to another without cleaning the electric buffers, or getting a new emery board. So now my hysterical thought process goes something like this: if they cut someone with one of those diseases before me, and then cut me, I could have one of those diseases...or if they used the antiseptic stuff from the bottle on someone's cut and then on mine I could have that disease....or if nail polish from someone's cut got into my cut from the same bottle....then I worry that I've given some horrible disease to my husband....then I worry that I've given something to my son...then I'm afraid to touch my son or husband....it just goes on and on. I told my doctor about my fear, and he didn't really blow me off, but he made it sound like it was no big deal. I have to go back in 4 weeks for routine blood work for my medication, and he said if it'll make me feel better we'll do a Hep C and HIV test then, but that he's sure they'll be normal and not to worry. But how can I not worry? And how am I supposed to wait 4 weeks? It's all I can think about, and I'm so scared of spreading some horrible disease to my family. Then I tell myself it's been 8 months at least since I last had my nails done, so surely I'd have some sort of sign or symptom. But then I read that there are often no symptoms. I'm just scared to death and feel like I can't wait 4 weeks when I could possibly be harming my family. Then I tell myself, wouldn't the doctor have told me to refrain from sex or be careful with cuts and things if he was truly concerned that I'd been exposed? I read conflicting messages about how high risk this exposure is. And if it was that easily transmitted, wouldn't hundreds of women have this disease? Does anyone know anything about this? And how can I stop obsessing? Please help me.

Hi there. Wow - I totally know what you mean. I do this to myself a lot and it drives me to major anxiety and depression. Sometimes I am ok for a while and then it comes back and I am a mess again. I recently had to be put on Zoloft to help. It helps some but I still have the thoughts, just not as many attacks.
I do the exact same thing you do. I do not get my nails done, but if I did, and I had read what you read, I am sure I would have ran the EXACT same thing through my mind. Let me give you some examples. I have a big fear of cancer. Not sure why, but I do. This is very bad for me to admit to, but here goes. A guy at work had cancer and is undergoing treatment and may be ok now. I have found myself not touching things he has touched and keeping distance from him. Now I know you cannot catch cancer from someone like that, but I cannot get it out of my head sometimes. Another example - I recently had to have stool studies done because of some stomach problems. (turned out to be nothing but anxiety) I picked up the sample specimen jars and some of them have fluid in them that the stool mixes in with for testing. I did what I needed to do and got a little bit of the fluid on my hand. Then I read that it was formaldehyde and that it is a known cancer causing agent. I totally went to the extreme in my mind. I thought what if it soaked into my skin or I breathed it too long and then got cancer. I got very upset. I was in a total panic. I kept telling myself that people work around that stuff all day and they are ok but that did not matter at the time. Another example - I am paranoid about public bathrooms. I always do the squat thing or put LOTS of paper on the seat before sitting down. One day I asked my husband what he did and he said he just wiped off the seat normally unless it looked dirty and sat down. I nearly lost it! I started thinking that he could have picked up a disease and gave it to me and we would both be messed up. I have many other examples, but you can see that I do the same thing as you. If I have any pain or ache or any strange sensation, I freak out and get online and scare myself silly. I read something somewhere about ear pain having to do with leukemia. When I clean my ears after showering, they felt tender and BAM I was thinking I was dying. Also, I had blood work done with a GI doctor and he said all was well except my WBC count was slightly elevated. He wanted the stool studies done to check for infection. Could I just accept that? NO. I ended up reading about leukemia and how a symptom is high WBC. I totally lost it for days on that one. Then I later talk to the family doc office (who I drive crazy) and they read my bloodwork numbers off to me for the last 3 or 4 years and my WBC is always at that level. They say that is just my norm. What a relief, but what major grief I put myself through.
So, I can tell you that you are not alone.
As for how to stop this - I don't have a lot of advice for you because I am trying to stop it myself. My med seems to help some. I tend to have the thoughts and worries still but they don't last nearly as long and they seem to go away much quicker. Hopefully this will be the case for you once your meds are fully working which can take 4-6 weeks. Sometimes even 8 weeks to work fully.
Now, I see a therapist but that does not help me much with the worries. But maybe it would help you. It does help a lot of people.
A few things I am trying to learn to accept are: 1) I cannot control everything. I can eat good, exercise, and take good care of myself, but if something is going to happen to me, it will no matter if I worry or not. 2) I am trying to put my fate in God's hands. I know it is there already, but I am trying to get myself to let him take care of me. This is proving to be very hard. I think I need to be more secure in my faith first. I am working on it. 3) Most things that we worry about never come true. This is VERY true. Rarely do our worries turn out to be realistic. 4) Some doctors are just there to fix your symptoms, not your problem. This is hard for me to accept. I don't just want a bandaid. But, that is what many docs give. They figure whatever you are telling them can be lumped into anxiety, depression, etc and they have a pill for that, so that is what they give you. Now, I am NOT saying meds are not needed. They certainly are in some cases, but don't think that the meds alone will fix you because they won't. You have to try to accept and believe in these things I have mentioned (#1-#4) in order to get better.
Hope that helps. Post to me anytime.
Kim
Hi & welcome to our community. You are not alone. Kim gave you alot of great advice.
I practice breathing & meditation to help me through spells of severe anxiety & panic. I have the intrusive thoughts, too. Always they focus on my health.
Blessings, Suz
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