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| Thu, 03-24-2005 - 5:27pm |
Hi I am new to the board and I first want to say that I see a wealth of information on here and I am thankful for that. I am 26 years old and have been married to my husband whom I love more than life for almost 2 years. My husband has panic disorder and agoraphobia (fear of panic attacks). When I first met my husband his panic disorder was at least managable. He still had problems going to places like hospitals, on elevators, or places that were either very confined or packed with people. When we first met we use to do all kinds of things together and I enjoyed every minute of it. Well after we were married for a year he had his first panic attack since we had been married and from there on it has just went down hill. I kept asking him to try medication and everytime he would back out. My husbands panic disorder is so bad that he is unable to even go to the doctor to get help for his problem. Well I think in hind sight I made some poor choices as well. Last year we bought a house that is in a small village and .0 miles from the nearest town so now he is even more confined and restricted. His panic disorder was well under control when we purchased the home.
Now for the hardest part of all this. Over the last 4-5 months my husband has been making some very poor decisions. He has become very close to our neighbors and he has become best friends with a person of the opposite sex. This individual is married and has 4 children and her parents live there also. Over the past 4-5 months there have been many reasons for me to suspect him of having an affair with this individual. Every time something got suspicous I would of course get very upset and he always told me that there was nothing there. Well as our problems have worsened at home he has been spending more and more time over there. I have had some trust issues because of some of these instances and that really has bothered him. Because of the trust issues I began trying to control the situation by trying to put limitations on him on what he could and couldn't do while over there , giving him time limits, and just trying to control it in general. My husband has seen this as me not allowing him to have friends and so on so forth.
Now looking back I know his panic disorder and even depression at this point is what has caused all of these issues. Do I think he had an affair? NO. Do I think he made poor choices because these people are his friends? Yes. My husband also has a gambling problem and has made some poor choices recently with that also. Well recently my mother in law talked with him and said some things that I think needed to be said just probably in a better way. She told him things like.... "your not good enough for her", "you need to get your life together", "you are better than what you have let yourself become", "you don't deserver her" and just a bunch of other things that should have been said differently. I think this talk really hit home with my husband. Since then he has made some decisions that I personally don't know how to take and this is where I need your advice on what is best for me to do right now. My husband has decided he is very unhappy with himself which is keeping him from being happy with me. He has decided that he is not going to do alot of things that I always appreciated such as giving me affection, sleeping in the same bed with me, showing any love or feelings he may have for me, and asking me for just about anything. He has told me that it is to easy to get comfortable with me and that as long as he had his heart with me and was comfortable he may never change. He has an appointment now to get on medication and we are attending marriage counselling. He says that once his panic disorder is under control and he can be happy with himself that everything will come together with us again also. But right now he cannot allow himself to feel for me because he will never change and he wants to do whats right and break this pattern he has had for so many years. He has always been dependant on someone and he wants to break that. He has even tossed around the idea that he wants to move out and be on his own so he can "force" himself to do things on his own. The thought of him leaving me scares me to death because I think he may never come back. And the thought of him getting a place of his own scares me to death because I know hes not capable right now of living on his own. He doesn't want a divorce he just says he wants to work himself out and that when that happens and he is happy with himself that we will be happier than ever. He goes back and forth alot about whether or not he is going to move. I pray he doesn't. He admits to having feelings for me just not being able to show me them. He just wants space. (although he is spending all his time at the neighbors which I am assuming is helping to take his mind off me and our problems)
Here are my questions....
Has anyone on this board ever went through this and to this extent?
When you did finally get medicated how long did it take for you to see a difference?
Were you ever so bad off that you were willing to give up everything that was ever important to you?
Does what described and the emotions he is going through sound like it is mainly a result of panic disorder and at this point severe depression?
and the #1 question.......
What is the best thing I can do for our marriage right now and how can I support him without making this worse?
I am concerned and I am sorry this is so long but I am glad someone referred me to your board I think I can learn alot from everyone who has similar problems to my husband and hopefully give me advice on how to support him. He is my life and I don't ever want to lose him. I won't let this beast take away the greatest thing that ever came into my life.
Thanks in advance

Hi & welcome to our community. It was a long post, but I read it all. Thanks for sharing. I will be the first to say that noone is an expert here, nor am I, personally, good with relationship advice. Marriage counseling sounds like a good idea. As with any counseling everyone has to have
When I was in severe shape I have to say that I did not want to be alone!
When I was my mind was consumed with fear and worry! I wanted to be with my husband
24/7. He had a job and was missing a lot of time because of me.
I found help with a therapist and medication. In a months time I was much improved- now everyone is different I have to add!!
I did a lot of work to overcome my fears. I hated them!
It seems like your husband for whatever reason feels comfortable with your neighbors.
If I was in your situation I would wonder why.
I would also be concerned since he wants to "be on his own" and not share the bed with you.
What did the counselor say about that? I am very curious!!
He needs therapy and possibly medication to help him.
He needs to see a doctor!
This illness does not just go away!
I hope in some way I have helped. My heart goes out to you! Judy
Hi and Welcome!!
Blessings, Suz
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