i am drowning please make it stop
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i am drowning please make it stop
| Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:38am |
it started a while ago, i suppose, but i have a habit of blocking things out because they are unpleasant to think about. you all have heard me when i have talked about my problems and losses recently. the miscarriages, the surgeries (5 in 2 months), the physical problems that couldn't be fixed without the complete hysterectomy last week. i am 23 yrs old, married to a man who i never really knew had such patience and love for me until now and a 2 yr old son who means the world to us. i do have a lot to be thankful for and i have focused on that because so many people have less than i, i should not complain! yes i have had a lot on my plate, figuratively speaking, but i am a strong woman and always have been and i have continued to believe i would get through this. this has just snuck up on me, a profound sense that i am completely drowning without even noticing until now.
perhaps it has been because of the recurrent hospital trips, dr visits, and let's not minimize the strong drugs they have given me that help numb the pain - physical and mental.
many nights i barely sleep, others i sleep so deep that i have little memory of my dreams, just know that they are very vivid and very real. usually i know i am dreaming, but not lately. and without fail i wake up terrified, sweat-drenched, wondering what has just happened and praying when i realize what it was, that it wasn't real and wouldn't ever be. this morning i woke up about 7:30. i have no memory of the night, usually i wake up several times and use the bathroom but not last night. i don't remember DH putting DS into his own bed, after he fell asleep between us. i woke up scared to death that DS was missing, because he wasn't there and omg i was terrified.
my dreams lately, i remember now, have all had a similar theme. my son, whose name is rowan, either runs away in a crowd or is taken away. somehow, i lose him and i try so hard to find him. sometimes i do, sometimes i don't, but the fear is real. my husband also disappears in some of them, usually after my son, like he has left me - not been taken obviously, he is a very big man who couldn't be overpowered easily.
i have been terrified of being left alone, of not knowing what is happening with DS and DH at all times during the day. of course, they HAVE to go. DH has to work, and physically i can't take care of DS right now so he goes to daycare. i know they are fine right now but i still can't shake the fear that something will happen to them too.
i have lost so much, i fear i am going to lose the rest and i am terrified. i am crying now, i think a panic attack is coming and what if i pass out again? god please i can't take any more please don't take them away from me.
i'm sorry i have to go thank you for listening.
leslie
perhaps it has been because of the recurrent hospital trips, dr visits, and let's not minimize the strong drugs they have given me that help numb the pain - physical and mental.
many nights i barely sleep, others i sleep so deep that i have little memory of my dreams, just know that they are very vivid and very real. usually i know i am dreaming, but not lately. and without fail i wake up terrified, sweat-drenched, wondering what has just happened and praying when i realize what it was, that it wasn't real and wouldn't ever be. this morning i woke up about 7:30. i have no memory of the night, usually i wake up several times and use the bathroom but not last night. i don't remember DH putting DS into his own bed, after he fell asleep between us. i woke up scared to death that DS was missing, because he wasn't there and omg i was terrified.
my dreams lately, i remember now, have all had a similar theme. my son, whose name is rowan, either runs away in a crowd or is taken away. somehow, i lose him and i try so hard to find him. sometimes i do, sometimes i don't, but the fear is real. my husband also disappears in some of them, usually after my son, like he has left me - not been taken obviously, he is a very big man who couldn't be overpowered easily.
i have been terrified of being left alone, of not knowing what is happening with DS and DH at all times during the day. of course, they HAVE to go. DH has to work, and physically i can't take care of DS right now so he goes to daycare. i know they are fine right now but i still can't shake the fear that something will happen to them too.
i have lost so much, i fear i am going to lose the rest and i am terrified. i am crying now, i think a panic attack is coming and what if i pass out again? god please i can't take any more please don't take them away from me.
i'm sorry i have to go thank you for listening.
leslie

Hi Leslie,
I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been going through! I'm not a regular poster here, so I haven't been following your story, but I imagine that going through a hysterectomy at the age of 23 is the result of some pretty tough stuff. And a very hard thing to endure at any age - especially so young. I'm no expert, but I suspect that your fears of losing your husband and son are related. You have gone through so much, and are just terrified that something else could happen. Perhaps because you won't be able to get pregnant again, you fear something will happen to your son. I don't know - but I can identify with the fear. I have no identifiable reason why I have those fears, but when I have my anxiety attacks, that is my worst fear - that something will happen to my family. So I feel your pain :-(
Do you see a psychologist? That might be a good idea, to help you work through this and get to where you can stop the cycle of fear. It can be suffocating, but you are stong and will get through this!
You and your family are going to be fine...I am sure of it. This is just a scary chapter in your life that you WILL overcome.
Hugs to you!
- Adrienne
i do see a psychologist and counselor, my appt's are next week. i am thinking about calling today though and telling them that frankly these meds aren't working for me. at least the anxiety med (klonipin) isn't. she has raised the dose 3 times and still it isn't working. she was waiting to prescribe anything else because they have addictive effects, but at this point i'm willing to risk it. i haven't told her yet about these fears, although that's silly. why should i wait, when it's not improving on it's own?
i am going to get my staples out from my incision this morning. i think that might help the level of pain. when i try to lift my leg, for example, to put on pants, it yanks on the staples and BURNS with pain. arrrghhh!!! i'm sure it'll hurt getting them out but hopefully it'll be worth it.
DH called from work to ask if i wanted to meet him for lunch after my appt. wasn't that thoughtful and sweet? ;) he isn't usually the kind of guy to do that, KWIM? he loves me a lot, i know, but he usually gets wrapped up in what he has to do all day and doesn't think about what i might like. so i am very pleased! i took another shower to fix my hair, ROFL! haven't done that in weeks, so it'll be hard but i want to look decent. ;)
thanks again for responding.
leslie