OMG I can't take anymore....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2001
OMG I can't take anymore....
8
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 4:21pm

I;m sure all of you know what brought me here, a lot of sickness and just plain old bad luck. I have been struggling with this for a few weeks now.

My Mom just came and told me to "sit down" instantely my heart dropped and I started shaking.

My Grandmother was rushed to the hospital last night, she was disorentated and had chest pains. She has fluid aroung her heart.

I have had a hard week as it is.

My Mom called my dh and they decided to wait to tell me... I am so sad abotu that. The fact that I'm so f'd up these days that they had to not tell me when I was home alone. I HATE HATE HATE what is happening to me.
I need to feel normal again and I just feel like I'm loosing control. I am just shaking and my face is so red and hot. I don;t know what I ever did to deserve this. My kids are perfect kids and they don't need this crap, my dh doesn;t need to be outting up with me all the time either.

I don't understand why everyone else in my family who has been through the same thing as me is doing ok, why am I the one cracking up.

I called my dr and I need to get my meds upped, I have plateaued at the 10mg of lexapro. I was doing well on it but I seem to have stalled and having my period makes it worse.

Can anyone chat later tonight after I get the kiddos to bed?

Thank you all so much.. Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2004
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 4:24pm

Hi Heather. I have not been on here for a while, but have posted on this board and used it a lot for help. I have had a relapse today and feel terrible about it. I am sorry to hear you are not doing well. My grandpa died last year and my family dealt with it ok but for some reason that is when I started having anxiety. I did not know what it was at first. It was terrible. I thought I was really losing my mind or had some terrible illness. What are you feeling exactly?

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2001
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 4:40pm

Hi Kim,
I have adjustment disorder with severe anxiety.
I was just diagnised 2 weeks ago, my worse and most common symptom is the out of reality feeling. That is my worst, I have gotten pretty good at calming myself self down as far as my heartrate and stuff.

The Dr. jsut called and told me to increae my meds to 20mg... thats doubling it and that makes me scared now. I am just a mess...

I am just so sad and feeling so out of and I'm having anxiety about taking the meds, a few minutes ago all I wanted was to up the meds and now that I can I'm scared.

I feel as though I am going crazy and that I'll never be the same again, stuck in this fog...as though their is somethnig more wrong with me and they are misdiagnosign me.

Thank you Kim,
I hope you doing ok....

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2004
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 10:10pm
Sorry for the delay. I totally know what you mean. I get that out of reality feeling too. Even though I know it will go away, it scares me bad every time. I hate it. I always fear I am going insane too and the docs have just missed something. Like there is something much worse really wrong with me. It is so scary. I know what you mean. I have only had this for about 8 months and it has been so hard. I was doing great after being on Zoloft for 4 months and then I started having issues today again. I could not believe it. I felt so let down. Sometimes I feel like I am trapped inside my own mind. Know what I mean? Like I am spinning around and cannot get away from it. And it is so hard to feel your own mind working against you doesn't it? The out of reality feeling is bad too. The best thing I can tell you is to remember the phrase "this too shall pass" that helps me sometimes. I also surround myself with people or some kind of noise like watching a movie or something to occupy my mind. Nothing works every time or totally makes it better except for time itself. That is the hardest part.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 11:33pm

kml1200,

I know EXACTLY what you mean about the spinning. I call it the "swirling." I keep thinking, and worrying, and thinking and worrying, etc. It doesn't stop. If I wake up at night, or early, it starts, and I can't get back to sleep, when my anxiety is bad. Just wanted to add my 2 cents.

Renee

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2004
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 8:22am
Glad I am not alone. Thanks for writing. It is so hard to deal with this sometimes, especially when you have been doing good for a long time. That really gets to me. I sometimes call it waves, it is like these waves come over me where my mind is racing real fast and I cannot make it stop. It is like I cannot slow it down long enough to get in a clear thought. Sometimes the thoughts are so fast I don't even know what they are. It really scares me. Each time I tell myself it will pass because I know it will but when you are caught up in the moment, that is out the window for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 1:22pm

Waves is a another good way to describe it. I get that, too. I know it's hard to deal with, when you've been good for so long. Same here with me. I guess you can never lick it for good. It sneaks up on you, doesn't it? One of the best things I did was to recognize my early symptoms of anxiety physically, and take my Xanax before it mushrooms. And that wasn't easy to do. But, I've been diagnosed with anxiety since about 12 years now, and I'm sure I even had it as a teen. So, I learn as I go. How are you doing today?

Renee

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2004
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 8:36pm
Getting better. I had some moments this morning. Mornings always are the worst when I am in a funk like this. I seem to get better in the evenings but right before bed sometimes I get uneasy again, probably because I know in the morning it may come back. Having it when you first wake is the pits. I do not like that. I am afraid to get out of bed at times. How are you doing today?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 11:49pm

I'm not too bad. I feel emotionally exhausted sometimes, sometimes physically. I wrote a longish post about it all tonight. Plus, we have to sell our house, and it just seems overwhelming to get it ready. Also, my DH is living mostly out of town now for work. Sometimes I just feel like my life is a big junk drawer, always a mess. I think I've more or less been trying to pretend like everything is okay, and life is normal. One of these days, reality will come up and clobber me, and then the anxiety will really be back. At least I see my counselor tomorrow....

Renee