second-guessing myself
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second-guessing myself
| Fri, 05-13-2005 - 6:01pm |
i didn't know if i should post here or on the ocd board or on the relationship board. oh well. if this doesn't make sense, please let me know. and right now i am having anxiety about even posting, because i am worried that it won't come out right, or i'll hear something i don't want to hear, etc. etc. here it goes...
i have been second-guessing myself since i can remember. i have an extremely hard time making decisions, for fear of making a "mistake." so, i had my first boyfriend when i was 21, and it only lasted a few months (not counting the months of courtship). i am now 23, and i have a wonderful, loving, patient, anything good you can think of, boyfriend. we have been dating for about a year and a half, and i have no intentions of breaking up with him.
here's the problem: i am constantly comparing myself and my relationship with EVERYONE around me. if so-and-so has slept with more than one person, i feel like i should have slept with more people (my boyfriend is my first and only intercourse). if so-and-so believes in non-monagamy, i feel like i should. well, it's not that i necessarily feel like i should, but i feel as though my lifestyle is being challenged in some way - however indirectly. so, here i am, 23, completely in love, happy... but i constantly wonder if i am doing the "best" thing or the "right" thing. i worry that i'll somehow miss out if i don't do ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING that everyone else is doing. i'm trying to look at it this way: everyone has to make choices. you can make a choice between staying with your wonderful boyfriend, or "playing the field." of course, i choose my boyfriend. i just want some practical solutions for addressing my doubts when they arise. how do i combat this constant comparison and self-criticism? any advice?
i have been second-guessing myself since i can remember. i have an extremely hard time making decisions, for fear of making a "mistake." so, i had my first boyfriend when i was 21, and it only lasted a few months (not counting the months of courtship). i am now 23, and i have a wonderful, loving, patient, anything good you can think of, boyfriend. we have been dating for about a year and a half, and i have no intentions of breaking up with him.
here's the problem: i am constantly comparing myself and my relationship with EVERYONE around me. if so-and-so has slept with more than one person, i feel like i should have slept with more people (my boyfriend is my first and only intercourse). if so-and-so believes in non-monagamy, i feel like i should. well, it's not that i necessarily feel like i should, but i feel as though my lifestyle is being challenged in some way - however indirectly. so, here i am, 23, completely in love, happy... but i constantly wonder if i am doing the "best" thing or the "right" thing. i worry that i'll somehow miss out if i don't do ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING that everyone else is doing. i'm trying to look at it this way: everyone has to make choices. you can make a choice between staying with your wonderful boyfriend, or "playing the field." of course, i choose my boyfriend. i just want some practical solutions for addressing my doubts when they arise. how do i combat this constant comparison and self-criticism? any advice?

Hi & welcome to our caring community. You are not alone. You haven't said if you have an anxiety disorder, but those of us that post here generally do. We have difficulties with decision making & relationships & anything else that a person can have issues with. It usually has to do with our anxiety & fears. A feeling of not finding a safe place in all areas of our lives.
From my experience, folks who need to compare themselves with others or follow the lead of others aren't happy with themselves in some way. If these feelings that you speak of are causing unhappiness & an unfulfilled life, then they need to be addressed. Have you ever discussed them with another person? Do you tell your bf about them? I will be the first to say that I don't have much to add to relationship discussions. Maybe others here can give you some advice. In the meantime, I will post the link for the self esteem board. I have heard that others get great support there. Good luck & GBU! (((hugs))) jan
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhselfesteem
Blessings, Suz
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