Struggling with EVERYTHING

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Struggling with EVERYTHING
3
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 12:03pm
hi guys. been a while, i know. i'm alive.
i am having a lot of trouble getting anything done at all. i can't seem to get myself to appt's, and when i try i've had such bad car trouble i can't get there anyway. i haven't gotten paperwork done to help with the medical expenses (this group is supposed to help me pay for surgeries). all i had to do was fill all this stuff out, fax it in, and have help. and i still can't get it done. i just got a reminder letter saying *what's wrong? we have not heard from you.* i want to cry! how can i get myself to MOVE?
i missed my pdoc appt and haven't called. i am scared of what they will say. i am almost out of meds.
this is awful, i feel paralyzed.
last night, DH was supposed to be watching DS outside. i stepped out and said *where is he?* DH says, i dunno, he was just here. i looked and looked. i began yelling his name and running all over, front and back of house, in the house, around the block. i was bawling when i finally found the neighbor boy had him playing on a trampoline. i bawled and bawled. DH said god, i knew where he was, why did you freak out like that?
i told him i hate him for doing that to me. i thought my baby was GONE. i can't have any more children, he's the ONLY ONE i can ever have. i thought he was GGGOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNEEE.
i am still not over it. DH apologized, but i am not forgiving him. i am so angry and upset still i cannot speak about it to him. ;(
ok i have to go. i must call the dr, i must!! i have to force myself this time, i need meds obviously!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2001
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 4:38pm

Hi,
Are you on any meds right now?
Do you have a diagnosis?
I know that it is hard for you to motivate yourself but I think that you *have* too. Just keep telling yourself that your going to go to your appt. and your going to fill out the paperwork. Set a date and time to do these things and keep reminding yourself that on such day that you will do whatever it is.

You talk about your little Boy, I know that in my darkest times it is my children that keep my head up and keep me fighting. You should do the same.
Get yourself help not just for yourself but for your dh.
Is your dh supportive? Can he maybe drive you to appts.? Could you possible take public transportation?
Maybe you could have a friend or relative actually go to the Dr. with you and help you through.

We are here to help and support you. Please post whenever you feel the need..

P&PT
~Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 6:36pm

I am sorry to hear this, Leslie. You have had a tough time of it. @ this point you need some *real life* help. Getting to the doctor is imperative. ITA with Heather. Get someone to get you there. I know you have some friends & family around. Tell them that you need a hand. Be upfront with the pdoc or if you're dealing with the office staff. Just say you're so depressed you could not get yourself there. This isn't so unusual. I have been so anxious that I wasn't able to drive to an appt. & someone else driving me was out of the question. I am NOT a good passenger when my anxiety is high! LOL


I can well understand your concern & protectiveness of your ds. I am very sure your dh will get over this. He has stuck by you through thick & thin. With the recent hysterectomy, your hormones are probably all screwed up. This is a sensitive issue & one that is more sensitive @ this time. Try to focus on your wellness. I know you want to be there for your ds & dh. You can't be if you don't put yourself first. We care, gf. Let us know what's going on. Good luck & GBU! (((hugs))) jan



 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 9:12pm
i called and they can't see me until after my trip to TX next week. i have to go with my parents and DS, leaving monday, to see my sis and her family. i have definitely thought about cancelling but i just can't risk that. my BIL is going back to iraq in a few months and i may never get to see him again, so i had better go while i can. DS has missed out on a lot since mommy has been sick, and i hate to have him miss anything else. we are going to sea world too.
they are giving me enough meds to get through.
yes, i have a diagnosis. GAD w/agorophobia. i also have some depression. the level of depression varies.
today was a bad day for me. i had to go to the ER the other day, i have internal bleeding from torn scar tissue, i learned. i was to see my dr today for a follow-up and a treatment plan. i got a call saying they don't want to see me for 3 months, there was a miscommunication, blah blah blah. i started bawling and hung up the phone. i feel as though now that i am broke and have no insurance, they want nothing to do with me. they won't be able to get any more REAL $$$ out of me, since i cannot have any more children and have no more possible surgeries (as they took every organ out they could). now, nobody cares how much i hurt phsycially, or that i'm bleeding internally, or that my life is a wreck - just *we don't want to see you for 3 months, no matter WHAT!*.
DH overdrew the checking account getting parts for his truck, so we are more than just broke. the car literally died, threw a rod or something, and is dead for good.
we are to meet my brother for the star wars film tonight at midnight, which i want to see but at the same time i am just sooooooooooo tired.
;(
DH is concerned about me, i think my hormones are a big problem too. maybe it's the wrong amount of premarin i'm taking, making me feel worse instead of better? it's a possibility. but then i won't know FOR THREE MONTHS. arrghhh. actually, i never want to see another dr again.
perhaps in a few days, life will look better to me. perhaps a trip to TX is really a good thing and will make me feel better. perhaps pigs will fly.