What to do with a unsupportive s/o?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
What to do with a unsupportive s/o?
9
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 1:14am
Hi,I just wanted your guys opinion on how to handle a delicate situation with a gf of mine. She also has anxiety/depression issues as well. Well tonite, I talked to her and she was very upset because her husband told her to prepare herself because he was ready to go file for divorce unless she got herself together. She was really upset because the last week or so she had made great efforts to control her anxieties and confront things she was not able to for a long time. Then he tells her he only said he was going to file for divorce to make her supposedly 'wake up and get her off her butt' (I could not believe this, but of course, I am only hearing one side of the story, but still, I didn't think that was a very effective way for him to handle the situation)
So my question to you guys is what do I say to my friend, other than to listen and support her, and tell her 'Good Job' for the accomplishments she has made so far? I don't want to interfere in their marriage, but I am a little disappointed that her dh is behaving this way. But like I said there are two sides...(I guess I am just lucky that my dh is so wonderful and great and supportive, I wished hers was the same way!)
Any suggestions?
Thanx! hugs, shasta
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 1:45am
My first thought was, you can't blame a guy for wanting his wife back, instead of this dependant, fearful woman that he finds himself living with.

Blessings, Suz   Posts in this Community   

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 9:34am
It's so important for us to have family & friends around who can relate to our disorders. Ppl who *there, there* or poo poo us are totally counterproductive. You can do your best, Shasta by just being there & being understanding of your friend. I don't know what her dh is trying to accomplish by this threatening behavior. It certainly won't do much
 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 5:36pm
Shasta Yes this makes you appreciate your dh even more!!
Your girlfriend needs your support but be careful with the
marriage part of it. There are two sides like you said plus
she may not be able to handle hearing that it sounds bad---
I would also suggest she talk to a therapist if she has not
already- I know she must feel even more lost!! Poor girl--
I hope that she can somehow work through this with her
husband but I know it all takes time and effort!! Take care, Judy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 7:32pm
Hi Gals, I just wanted to thank you so much for your thoughts,concerns and insights into the issue with my gf. She sounded a little better this weekend but I still wonder if she is just 'putting on a happy face' But I will just continue to be supportive, and make sure to give her extra 'pats on the back' for doing so well coping with her anxieties and fears...I think that is all I can do! Then my very best GF in the world, has marital probs as well! Her husband just took off about a 1 1/2 yrs ago with a exotic dancer, and has kept her stringing along the whole time...She is in total denial, and unfortunately he has just moved back home with my gf and their 2 boys. But he is also 'supposedly' having to work late every nite, and on all weekends til late at nite! Argghh! He is a house painter! There is no way he is painting all this time, and in Oregon, it has rained on the nights he said he was working late. (plus he would never work that many hours because he is a slacker) Maybe she will figure it out one day...But I really have to bite me tongue here! She is getting enough of others opinions from her mom especially (can't blame her mom!) and her other friends...So I try to be 'good' and just be supportive. But I swear, this guy is a total loser' and has been since we met him when we were 18...Oh well! Thank goodness I have a good guy, but it makes me so sad for my friends that they are going thru this...I guess everyone is dealing with something at all times in their lives...But I did want to thank you all very much!
Hope you are having a relaxing and lovely Sunday! hugs, shasta
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 8:33pm

I had a gf with the same type of dilemma. Dh was a police officer and always claimed to be working late. I finally talked her into tapping their telephone & she found out the truth in less than 24 hours! Do I regret it? Nope. I supported her all along & just made a suggestion since she had so many doubts. She is now happily married to someone else.

Sheri Ann

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 9:39pm
Oh yea! I've given many suggestions like that...following him, viewing his cell phone records, going to the house where he is supposedly painting, etc...She did follow him one nite about a year ago and went to the house he was staying at with the other girl, but she still took him back...I think he has been with this gf all along...but she is in such denial there isn't much else I can do! The worst thing is when he came home last time, (which lasted about 2 days!) She went with him the very first couple hours he was home and got a loan for a truck for him!! OMG! I was sooo frustrated! So the really gross thing is his name is not on the loan for the brand new truck, she makes the payments, never gets to drive it, and is driving a 20 years old $500 jeep that is falling apart! He doesn't even give her money for the truck payment! (or the kids!) So he's been cruising around town with his little girlfriend while she sits at home with the kids believing he is working....hmmm if he is working so much OT how come he can't contribute to the household, take care of his kids, and pay the truck payment! I really hope she gets a clue one of these days! So you can see my frustration...That is why I try to be good and not say anything bad about him, because if they do end back together (fingers crossed that she dumps his behind!) I don't want it to hurt our friendship. We've been BFF,for over 20 years now! :0D I am glad your friend took your advice, I wished my BF would listen to ppl! thanx for your post Sheri Ann. hugs, shasta
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 11:06pm
Shasta Your girl friend is dependent on this user and loser!!
How sad!! With anxiety and panic she probably has convinced herself
she needs him. Hopefully somehow she will see the truth and do
something to save herself from him. She is scared I am sure of
not being with him when in fact he is not really with her!!
She deserves so much better but has to want it! Take care, Judy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 11:51pm
You are right,Judy! He is a loser and a user! Luckily she isn't the one gf that has the p/a issues. Thank heavens, That was my other gf. I totally agree with all you said, She has been alone with the boys for a year and half, and has done fine as far as money goes, she is surviving. I just hope she 'kicks him to the curb' soon!
Thanx for letting me talk about my gf's. I know my dh has to be SOOO tired of hearing about their trials and tribulations! ;0)
Thanx for listenin! HUGS, shasta
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 5:09pm

Hey Shasta, I just caught up on all of this and agree w/what everyone else said. I think that couple definitely needs marriage counseling. Aren't we fortunate to have the DHs we do? Yep. You are good to be there for your friend, though.

Kendra