More bad days than good days...
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| Mon, 06-27-2005 - 9:58am |
I hope everybody had a good, peaceful weekend.
It seems like every good day that I have is countered by a bad day. This weekend was my BF's 22nd birthday. I wanted to make it special for him. Although we ended up having a nice day yesterday, the anxiety was horrible. It starts when I wake up in the morning - heart beating fast, sweating, so many thoughts - it's like I doom myself from the get-go - "oh god, here it goes again - another one of these days". I'm scared to go to sleep or take a nap because I'm scared to wake up anxious ...
I tried talking to him about the anxiety a bit yesterday, trying to tell him what it was like, how it felt, how hard it was - but I'm scared to be too honest because I'm scared of freaking him out. He's so young - he doesn't need to be dealing with this right now.
The uncomfortableness and "disconnected" feeling that I have around him is still there - I've tried to pinpoint the reason why. Maybe it's because we spend so, so much time together and I try to hide my feelings around him, hesistant to be honest and open with my anxiety. Maybe it's because he can't really help me - he doesn't really understand and he doesn't know what to do. It does make me feel better to hear everybody on the board tell me that these unwarranted thoughts are normal for anxious people - that they plant themselves in our heads for no reason and that they are lies. I just hope this is true in my situation. Sometimes I look at him and realize how lucky I am and how much I love him, but then other times I get so anxious around him and worry that I don't love him at all. Last night was better but this morning kinda feels bad again. It feels so horrible to know that you love somebody so much but at the same time feel like you don't. I feel so guilty.
Please promise me this is just the anxiety and that it will go away. I am so blessed to have him in my life and don't want to lose him because of my problems.

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I don't think you will scare him off. My dh is an ex-marine, very strong minded & rarely shows any emotion. He's handled it well. He's also 11 years younger than me. It use to scare me so much, what if he finds someone younger, what if i'm getting too old for him, what f we can't have a baby together, the list went on and on. Everything worked out for us, just put your faith in God & stop worrying so much. The xanax WILL help that, I promise. I was unbearable before the xanax!
Sheri Ann
Sheri Ann
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