Insensitive Comments (long, sorry)
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| Tue, 07-05-2005 - 8:43pm |
Tomorrow I'm leaving for a trip to see relatives in New York State, and all of a sudden I'm not really looking forward to it because of something my aunt said that is replaying in my head. I'm feeling very hurt tonight, but I suppose the replaying is the GAD part of me. Let me back up a bit ...
A few weeks ago I'd e-mailed her to find out her schedules, and I said I was unsure when to visit a cousin who lived a three-hour drive from her. I'm only staying w/my aunt for a couple of days. I extended that stay because I usually stay a shorter length of time. Now, it turns out that everyone is working, so I might just be sitting on the computer during the day on Thursday (I'll be there Wednesday and Thursday before driving to my cousin's house in Buffalo).
Anyway, she had written back and discouraged me from visiting him, saying that I should relax and think of myself and the baby, because the long drive isn't easy. I got mad, vented to a few people (not her, though), thought about it, then wrote back with the date that I'd be seeing my cousin. I added that I am relaxing because I'm staying in New York for a week. Once I get to my other aunt's house (which is the area where most of my relatives reside), I'll be there for five days.
She never wrote back. Fine. So I called her tonight to check in and confirm that I am flying in tomorrow night. It's late, and I did goof because I thought my husband worked. He doesn't. Anyway, she didn't realize it was tomorrow (even though I had sent the itinerary a month ago). But then she asked, "Are you still going to visit your cousin?" I told her yes, I was, and said I wouldn't be seeing his wife at my baby shower over the weekend (she has to work). She went on and on about how she can't believe I am doing that, how my uncle agrees with her, and--here's the kicker--that I am crazy and not thinking of myself by doing this.
Now, I haven't posted about this, but since Sunday, I have been trying to be aware of my reactivity and trying not to, well, react. So, I laughed and said, "I feel fine. It's OK." I let her go on and on. I let her be the Italian meddling aunt, etc., and after some niceties, we ended the call.
But now, I am fuming. You know what else she said? She basically compared my cousin to my husband and said that if the roles were reversed, my cousin wouldn't have let his wife drive the distance. LET?! Yeah, whatever.
Bottom line: I'm feeling hurt, guilty, and even a little nervous about visiting tomorrow. I don't feel as welcome as I am accustomed to feeling. I was going to ask her if she needed help at the salon (she owns a salon--which my dad helped finance, but anyway). Yes, I am 20 weeks pregnant. OK, I have gained 14 pounds. However! I have not had any complications. The worst I ever got was a fainting spell in the first trimester, but I am so fine it is unbelievable. I swim, I do yoga, I just finished walking miles and miles in DC over the weekend. It just sucks because you know what I was once worried about? Hearing from my brother. He and I had two really good conversations this week, so I was all, "OK! Cool! now I can really enjoy my vacation." Then this.
Thanks for letting me vent. I know I don't know a lot of you that well, but I do appreciate it.
Kendra

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Kendra,
I'm in NY, about an hour south of Buffalo! Come see me, instead! LOL. Just joking. But I am from Buffalo. Know the area well!
I would be upset if I was you, too, but I am going to give you my very best advice:
You can't control what other people say or do, only your reaction. So, though we have the nerves to battle with, and the tape plays in our head, don't let her get to you. You can handle the drive and visit, and you're right, no one has to "let" you. Oh brother. How old world.
Let us know how the visit goes! And remember, someone can't get to you, unless you let them!
Renee
Thank you, Renee!! You are so right! I have struggled with this for years and just recently saw--in public--my reactions reach a boiling point. I was refused access to a bathroom and just about went off on people. I'm pregnant, so my bladder is on overdrive. Anyway ...
Can you answer a question for me? Is the Thruway super-bad on my way to Buffalo? I guess she kinda scared me as well, but I am a very good driver--I can handle multilane, heavy traffic. I know I am taking 81 to the Thruway into Hamburg, actually--I typed Buffalo because that is more recognizable.
Thanks again. The reassurance is much-needed and appreciated. :)
Kendra :)
your cousin? I congradulate you for driving 4 hours ALONE!!!
I would have called my cousin to see if he wants me to visit?
Anyway I hope you have a great baby shower and lot's of fun!!
I suppose that she is overprotecting you a bit LOL TC, Judy
Thanks, Judy!! And yes, I was invited there. It was going to be a day earlier, but I asked that it be Friday instead. I'm calling him again just to make sure, as his little girl has had some teething problems, etc. Thanks again. :)
Kendra
Kendra,
You're taking the 81 to the 90, is that what you mean? The 90 is only bad during rush hour 7-9 am and 4-6 pm), and even then, if you're not trying to exit or change lanes in the city, it's not too bad. You won't need to get off until after the city, because Hamburg is after the city, from the direction you are coming. You'll be fine. If I can do it, you can!
Have you ever been to Ilio DiPaolo's restaurant? It's in Blasdell, not too far from Hamburg. It's an italian retautant, lol. I LOVE that place!
I could tell you a really embarrassing incident where I lost control of my emotions with a stranger when I was pregnant, but I won't embarrass myself. hehe. Is this your first pregnancy?
Renee
Aww, I know, isn't it embarassing? That's what brings me to tears and anger is the embarassment!! I have too much pride.
And yes, 81 to 90. Thank you for clearing that up! I will leave at 9 a.m. on Friday to go to my cousin's. I haven't heard of that restaurant you mention, but thanks for suggesting it!! :)
Oh, yes, this is my first pregnancy. :)
Kendra
Hey Kendra, I just looked at your "handle" there, kschwitter, and realized you were in chat. I didn't realize that was you, or I would have chatted with you! Sorry!
Renee
I know about the safety part, but I am a safe driver and will be well-rested, etc. At least you didn't call me crazy, etc., but simply expressed your concern. That's way more mature than my relative. :)
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