Baby shower question

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
Baby shower question
5
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 11:42am

Hiya ...

My mom isn't coming to my shower, and I have accepted that. It's not that she's mad at me, etc. She is agoraphobic as well as schizophrenic (kinda higher functioning, I think, for my own personal reasons), and she's just *that way*. So, this post is not about how to change my mom, why won't she go to the shower just for me, etc. I have to say that, because hardly anyone really understands. I mean, I'm getting zero motherly help (aside from on the phone) after Mia is born, and I'll just have to deal. She lives in Florida, btw, which is where the shower is taking place.

So my question is, how do I explain my mom's absence to those who ask? I've thought about just saying she's not feeling well, but one of my aunt's will be there, and she already tried to get my mom to go. She'll ask and pry, etc. I already told my best friend I didn't want to be alone in the same room w/her because I don't even want to be asked. Just leave me be. I am going thrift shopping w/my mom when I do visit her after the shower (the shops are close to home, so that's OK).

I just don't know how to deal with what other people will say. One of my mom's dogs did die last week, but that's not the real reason. My mom actually told me she just couldn't do the drive (she has stomach issues as well), and asked if that was OK. So, I thought that was nice and better than just telling me. My mom has been known to lie a lot, though, so says my father.

Anyway ... so, that was my question. The whole issue of mom not being around the corner and ready to hop on a plane when I have Mia ... well, that's another story entirely. I understand but am very jealous of those who have the benefit of moms with sound minds.

Thanks.

Kendra

p.s. Schizophrenia is a very difficult illness to "get," so I learn not to expect much from others and, in turn, don't vent about it often.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 12:38pm

Kendra,


Hi,


Is there any way you could just say that your momis unable to attend due to personal reasons and the two of you are going to do something special at another time?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 12:43pm

Yeah, that's a good idea. It's tough for me to be assertive and tell someone that this isn't the time nor place, but you have a good point.

Thanks. :)

Kendra

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 1:19pm

(((Kendra))) I understand schizophrenia all too well. I would love for you to come over to Families & Mental Illness http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhfamschiz

 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 1:38pm

Thanks so much, Jan. I will definitely go to that sz board you referenced.

I'm going to just be vague and state she couldn't attend. People can wonder all they want. I am looking forward to the shower, because my three closest friends will put on quite a show. :)

As far as standing in, my husband and I agreed not to have visitors for the first four weeks. We want to deal with all of this ourselves. We've been taking childbirth and baby-care classes, and in a way, I'm looking forward to doing things my way and not having any interference. However, I have made one really good friend up here who has offered to help. Her name is Renee, and we get along great. Our husbands work in the same lab. She lives about an hour away, unfortunately, but she's a mom, too, and understands. I also have plenty of close friends and cousins who I can call. I'm a lot better on the phone, so to me, it's not like I have to have someone right in front of me.

I do feel like if I allow her to drop by with anything, I don't know--a casserole or whatnot--that I'm going against the moratorium against visitors, and then I'll feel guilty about not having my dad or brother up here. Then again, my brother has caused me stress in the past, and I'm "testing him out" with a weeklong visit he's making in September. Thank God Alex will be home. He's on meds and is actually working full-time now, so he seems a little better, but I'm usually skittish about his negativity and poor social skills. (He's bipolar.)

It's just hard. I am a bit nervous about not having visitors, but I think this time will teach us that we can do it. I'm sure other couples have done it this way, too. Alex says that if we find that I do need help during the week, we can hire someone. I kind of hope his dad stays with us after next year, but that's another story entirely. :) (He lives in Switzerland.)

We've been on our own for so long anyway. The one big help we are getting, though, is a huge loan for a down payment on our house and another vehicle. That is such a blessing.

Anyway ... thanks much for your kind words. I needed to get back to another sz support group. The one I used to be in wasn't very receptive. ((((((HUGS!)))))

Kendra :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 08-06-2005 - 12:09am
Hi Kendra!!

Blessings, Suz   Posts in this Community