Hi again...back with social anxiety
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| Mon, 08-08-2005 - 5:38pm |
Hi again...it's been a while. I've been doing well lately in terms of my depression, and I just got back from a good visit with my parents...so overall I'm very grateful for all of that (as I guess some of you know, I was so desperate a few months ago that I had ECT treatments, which I think must have helped). But I think anxiety has filled in where depression left off!
I do have a few things to be anxious about...I start my second year of med school in a week, and I'm really worried that my memory won't be up to the task (I used to have an almost photographic memory, but the ECT did away with that, although I think I'm still recovering some). And once the (huge) tuition payment for the year is in, I'm committed to seeing it through.
But my main source of anxiety is just people in general. (Oops, on a side note...I can't remember what I've posted here before, so I may have written about all this before...I apologize). I've always had some trouble with that (my first diagnosis, at age 18, was social phobia), but it seems to have gotten a lot worse lately. Even hearing someone in the hallway of my building, my heart starts to race and my stomach to churn (my IBS has been acting up like crazy), and I wait until they're gone to leave my room.
I do interact with people in my daily life (right now, I have a week free to do errands and get ready for school starting, but I had a research job this summer). But I'm on edge the whole time, and I know that's obvious to the people I'm talking to...I can never seem to have the warm, open kinds of conversations that I see others have. I've been making an effort, trying to make small talk and smile...but I can't seem to relax, even with people I know pretty well. I even sometimes feel like I'm watching myself talk from a distance, odd as that must sound...and that makes me even more self-conscious.
I have had cognitive behavioral therapy for this problem before, and so I have been trying to use those strategies...pushing myself to talk to people, and telling myself that my thoughts aren't logical. But even though I know this anxiety isn't logical, I can't seem to get rid of it.
And, what's maybe at the heart of things, I worry that there's something wrong with me, something deep-down and unchangeable. Someone at the hospital when I was 19 suggested I could have a personality disorder, and though I don't care about any specific diagnosis, I've been feeling more and more like he was right. I don't seem like other people...just for example, I have no desire to have a boyfriend, or to have close friends at all for that matter...I try to put on an act to seem like I do, though. I don't know if this is just due to anxiety, but I don't think so...I've been like this for a long time.
Sorry for this long post (especially since I've probably written about this before!). But it just seems like anxiety is starting to run my life (although I'm very glad depression isn't running it anymore!). And I've been coping with it by over-eating, I guess even binge-eating at times...and that's started to make me feel really bad about myself (although I do exercise). Plus my stomach's been so upset from nervousness that I had to stay home yesterday (and couldn't even eat much, which was probably a good thing!).
Phew, glad to get all that off my chest...thanks for letting me! Anybody have any techniques for managing social anxiety? I'm wondering if I should set up an appointment with a new therapist (I'm not in therapy now)...or what else I can do.
Edit: I've been working on cutting way back on my caffeine intake (I used to drink a lot of diet soda)...because I know that anxiety and caffeine are a bad combination. But especially once school starts, I feel like I'm going to need it to stay awake...I fall asleep even after 9 hours of sleep otherwise and won't be able to handle classes.
Edited 8/8/2005 5:43 pm ET ET by rosa444

Hi, Rose! Welcome back. You certainly have been through many experiences & FWIW, you seem to have come out alot stronger. You sound more positive than you have for some time. I am so glad to hear you say with confidence that you're going to be a second year med student. Congrats!
better!! GREAT JOB! Social anxiety is tough-
when you avoid people it gets harder and harder
for some reason- While in school I don't imagine
you have much free time so maybe trying to talk
to people in your classes might help since you
have something in common! I am happy that you
are continuing with med school--- I wish you well and
hope you come back! The more you talk to people
the easier it gets everyone feels nervous talking
with someone they don't know! Keep trying, Judy
Blessings, Suz
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Thank you all very much...I really appreciate it! It's good to hear from you all again too. I'm also pleasantly surprised that my depression has gotten better, although I know I'm not "cured" and am going to have to keep working at it (even today, I think I slipped back some and ended up staying in my room almost the whole day, doing nothing). Hopefully, getting back in classes will keep my mood from a downward spiral.
Jan, to answer your question, my research job this summer wasn't very isolated...I was in an office with a few other people...but I never got over my nervousness even around them! Still, I guess it was less interaction than school usually is. I'm going to try to push myself to talk to my classmates, so hopefully confronting my fears every day will help...I know that's the way to go. I also have a fear of driving (though less intense), but once I get more in the habit of going out, I start doing better.
Last night I did take your advice, and when a girl on my hall asked me for directions, I asked if she was a new student and introduced myself. Two other girls ended up joining us in the hallway, and we had a long and pretty enjoyable conversation...so that was another pleasant surprise. Realizing that I'm probably less nervous than the new students here helped some, too.
Suz, I hope you're right that my memory will return...very often lately, I've run into embarrassing situations when I can't remember basic things, and of course I can't tell people why. That is funny, how I can post a clear message here (and long usually, too!) but can't seem to get words out in person. I'll try to stop focusing on the "why" and keep trying...although some days it does feel hopeless...who ever heard of a doctor with social phobia?! :( But I'll keep working on it.
Thanks again,
Rose