Can't seem to get over this hurdle...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Can't seem to get over this hurdle...
4
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 11:39pm

Hi again-- school started yesterday for me, and it's been going pretty well so far. I even gave a presentation (though very brief) in front of an auditorium of people and made it through OK! (Strangely enough, though, public speaking scares me much less than social situations where I have to interact with people, but still.)

Right now I'm trying to get myself over a major hurdle, but I can't seem to do it. There's a clinic nearby that asks for students to volunteer (to learn and help out a little-- we don't know how to do much yet, though!). And they sent out an email that they especially need volunteers for one morning this weekend.

So I went on their website with the intention of signing myself up and just forcing myself to face my fears. But when I read about the tasks that volunteers are supposed to do (involving a lot of interaction with people), my stomach turned into knots, and I completely chickened out.

And by now I think I've waited so long that all the volunteer spots have probably filled up! What's worse, I've had a year of opportunities to go to this clinic (which most people in my class have done), and I've never once gone. Not only do I need the practice interacting with people, but this is the kind of thing I'll be expected to do the rest of my career-- it seems like a really bad sign if I'm too scared to do it once!

One of my "reasons" for not signing up this time is that I saw that another student who makes me feel uncomfortable had signed up-- I don't know exactly why she bothers me, but I guess our personalities just don't mesh well. But I'm not sure whether that's a valid reason or just an excuse.

I'm still debating whether I should try to get an appointment with the therapist here (my doctor told me that she's willing to work with me)-- I know she probably won't have openings for long, but I'm not sure if it would help or if I really need it. Sorry, guess I've mentioned that a few times before!

And I did mention my anxiety to my doctor yet again at my last appointment-- and told her that I'm trying to get more exposure to people to get over my fears. She just told me that she still didn't think I have enough exposure, which I guess is true-- and that she didn't want to change any of my meds because my depression is better (which I can also definitely understand).

Still, I'm not sure how else to get myself to calm down-- I've already been exercising til I'm practically overheated most days just to work out some of my nervous energy! But in a way I'm glad my doctor didn't give me something like Klonopin (which I've taken before) because I can see myself using it more than I should.

Thanks again for letting me get this all out-- I actually started this post with the intention of writing just a few sentences-- yeah right! :) Hope you all are doing well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 12:42am
Hi Rosa!!

Blessings, Suz   Posts in this Community   

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 4:59pm

Thanks so much for your post, Suz. Hard as it is to hear, I know you're completely right. And because of that, today I left a message for the psychologist asking if I could start seeing her. I don't know if there's much she can tell me that I haven't already heard (e.g. that I should just force myself into situations that make me anxious), but I'm going to try whatever I can.

I actually wanted to get counseling this past summer for this issue and related worries about whether med school was right for me, but she had no appointments open then. Now I'm regretting not finding someone else, though, because what if I can't get over this and I have to drop out of school after 2 years' worth of tuition?! With my tendency toward depression, I really think that realization could do me in.

I'm especially panicked right now. We just had some introductory lectures about the patient interactions we're going to have this year and what we're going to be required to do. Several of my friends even said they were completely overwhelmed by all the information (one of them actually said she was glad she had a psych appointment after that!)...so you can imagine how I feel, with my social anxiety combined with the general information-overload anxiety!

I just stuffed my mouth with food even though I wasn't hungry (I did manage to stop myself after a bit, though), and now I need to start studying but am almost shaking from anxiety. I wish my doctor had given me something for this...I almost wish it were night-time so I could take a little Ambien (it calms me down as well as making me sleepy). The bad thing is, at one time not so long ago, I was taking a tiny dose of Ambien in the mid-afternoon because I was so anxious and depressed I just wanted to sleep or be in a drug-induced haze...now I guess you know why I'm scared to have access to anxiety meds!

Whew, OK...this is rare for me to get quite so worked up, though...I'm going to try to take a few deep breaths so I can focus on studying (which is also giving me anxiety, of course!). But it's hard when I know that it won't matter how much information I learn if I'm unable to talk to people and interact well...I just don't know what else to do. Waiting for the psychologist to return my call...hopefully she'll have an opening.

Thanks again for listening and for the advice (I think I really needed someone to say that to me),

Rose




Edited 8/17/2005 5:01 pm ET ET by rosa444
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 6:00pm

hey Rose, does your university have a health center? This past semester I was seeing someone at the UNiversity counselling services and she was great! the student health insurance covered 12 meetings and she helped me find a referral afterwards. I was apprehensive at first, because usually people working the health center are recent PhD's or advanced students. on the other hand, it was really nice working with someone who is practically the same age as me. Plus I felt like it was a learning experience for both us. anyway, I would definitely recommend looking into it, at least for short term help.


take care,


Mia

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 12:53am

Thanks, Mia...the psychologist I called is actually at the student health center...as far as I know, though, there aren't students who do counseling there. In college, I did see a grad student for a while through the university health center, and I found it helpful too...but at my current school they don't have a program like that.

Thanks again for the reply...I know I need to figure out some better way of dealing with things...today I did take a little Ambien in the afternoon, went to sleep, and then over-ate until now my stomach hurts and I'm incredibly mad at myself...hopefully tomorrow will be better.