Exams over, checking in with "issues"!

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Exams over, checking in with "issues"!
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 7:52pm

Hi, just wanted to check in again...I took my last exam for this block of classes today, so I finally have a chance to relax a bit (well, til classes start again on Monday!). I think I did pretty well, which was a relief considering the major memory problems I'd been having from ECT not so long ago.

And I thought I'd been doing well right mood-wise too...but now I'm realizing that it's probably because I had an excuse not to leave my room for many hours on end and could just bury myself in the books! I chose to live in the dorm because it's so convenient, but I think I've allowed it to become *too* convenient...there's a small gym in my building where I've been exercising and a place on the roof where I've gone to get some sun...but I've left the building only a few times in the last week or more!

Unless there's a real need to go somewhere (like when I ran out of groceries), it seems like I'd just rather be holed up by myself...a lot of students in my class studied together in the student center right nearby (actually connected to my building!), but I never even stopped in...I do study better on my own, but still...

So when I have seen other people, it's been even more awkward and harder for me than usual. I do have a few good friends I feel comfortable around, and we're all planning to go do something together this weekend, but I'm so shy/nervous around people I don't know as well that I find myself even looking down instead of making eye contact.

I did have my first meeting with the school psychologist last week, and I'll meet with her again next week. It was basically an introductory session for me to tell her about my history and "issues"...I kept worrying that she was judging me for being so disturbed (although she didn't do anything to make me think that), and that she would think I don't belong here. After telling her about each problem, I kept adding, "but things are much different now!".

So I don't know...I've been pretty content, even happy, lately having some good music and some work to focus on (actually sometimes a little bizarrely happy, dancing around my room and not being able to sleep without Ambien) , but I know I won't encounter "the real world" alone in my room... although I have been talking on the phone to friends more.

But I guess I've been pretty anxious even then...although I know everyone in my class was at least a little stressed out by exams, I'm ashamed to admit that I've been taking a small amount of Ambien several hours before I go to bed to help calm my nerves (you're only supposed to take it right before bed)...and looking forward to taking it because of the relaxed (and often oddly disconnected from the world) feeling it gives me (I don't have any real anti-anxiety medication, which I guess is a good thing in terms of avoiding dependency, or any more dependency than I already have!).

I do need the Ambien to fall asleep most nights, though...I've often tried going to bed without it and end up just tossing and turning for hours even if I'm exhausted. So I'm not sure what to do there, if I should just stop taking the Ambien altogether or not. I guess it's good that I don't drink alcohol, but I don't know if relying on Ambien is any better.

Oh, I just got a phone call from a friend (not someone I know really well, though) to come out to dinner later with a group...and I did agree to go, although I've already eaten...the phone call was really awkward, though...but I guess it's a step in the right direction.

OK, so that's me...unfortunately quite boring, I know...that's what happens when you spend 10 hours a day or so studying, I guess! At least this weekend, maybe I'll have a chance to re-connect with the world...I think some friends are going hiking, and I'm going to go with them. But if anyone has any advice on how to deal with my anxiety and feelings of awkwardness, I'd greatly appreciate any thoughts.

Hope you all are doing well, sorry for not helping out by responding to posts lately (and sorry this post is so long to say so little!),

Rose




Edited 9/8/2005 8:11 pm ET ET by rosa444