self defeating behavior

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
self defeating behavior
13
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 2:17pm
I guess i only post when I am feeling down---
the pdoc says that depression and anxiety go hand and hand for me--
lately I have been worried about my son--he started 9th grade and is unmotivated and sometimes angry.
With my GAD i fixate on something and believe that it will end with the worst case scenario- and i am doing this with my son. Of course, I feel that I am to blame.
I am having a hard time going out of the house and being in social situations. I will go to my daughter's game but stand alone and not talk and feel uncomfortable.
I have not been able to go forward with my goal of substitute teaching in the short term in order to get a full time job soon. My behavior is so self defeating and it scares me that i see it in my son.
Can't really talk to family members- they just think i need to do it- "it will be the best thing for me"= they don't get that it is not that easy someimes- even pdoc just tells me to do it- go to work- that makes me mad- he must know that it is not that easy .
I'm hoping that some of you can relate to my feelings.
Thanks,
Elaine

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Avatar for greta2863
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 4:35pm

Hi Elaine,

Yes, that was probably the right thing to do..to call the State and see if anything would happen to your certificate. It was probably the right thing to do and not have taken the job. I am not much younger than you..I am 34. I got my teaching degree at the age of 25. Pretty much right out of college I got a teaching job, but it was at a catholic school. I taught first grade. The pay was really low. I taught there for 2 years, then got a job in a public school..way more money..but I wasn't thinking of the cons..it was kind of a bad area of town..alot of drug activity. As I went everyday, I didn't feel safe at all. I always thought my car would get broken into. I was also miserable. The kids were so different than the catholic school kids. Very mean..swearing alot..I couldn't even control them. I actually didn't finish out the year. I WISH I would have stayed at the catholic school, but don't we always wish we did that or that? I was at the public school for 4 months, then quit. And so it started way back then..in 2000 when I started quitting jobs..I did have one after that in an office that lasted 2 yrs..so I would say after 2002 I had about 7 jobs until now. I don't know what my problem is. It is like a cycle with me. Deep down inside I know the consequences of not working..you can't have things, you have to live with your parents..and I don't want that at all. Who knows..maybe I have GAD too on top of my depression and OCD. I will have to look into it. I really want to go back to teaching, but I am so AFRAID. Of what?, I don't know. Failure..Success...Tomorrow I am going to force myself to sign up for substitute teaching. I know that is the only way I will ever go back to teaching and it is a good way to get your foot in the door. Pretty much I am petrified. But I have to do it, or at least try. Cause if I don't, it will be too late. I am also looking into getting another job on top of subbing because you never know when you will be called and I need some income. So I guess I will be pretty busy. Hey, maybe that is a good thing. Then I won't have alot of time to worry about my problems. I just wish I was more assertive, I wish I liked myself more, I wish I could motivate myself to do things in life. I have a brother that is 3 yrs. older than me and he pushes himself constantly to make alot of money and be successful. I know success is not what you do for a living, but to me it is a big part of who you are as a person. You said it so right...SELF DEFEATING BEHAVIOR...I soooo do that everyday. It is really hard. But the only thing I can do is move forward and I know you can too. I know you said you want to substitute teach too. You should do it. It will be hard at first..but I know it will get easier. You can do it. I hope to hear from you soon. Take care of yourself.

Greta

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 7:37pm
Elaine I know all the states differ in certification.
Here in FLorida and NY it depends how many classes of math
you teach if you are abusing your certification!! IN FL
there is such a shortage they are ignoring their basic
certification rules!! NO ONE CAN HANDLE THIS KIDS is my theory!!
I taught for 34 years elementary reading I feel that kids
are out of control now!! the schools and teachers have no rights
to discipline them!! It is like the kids are in control!!
which is very scary------- my daughter taught for a year here
and quit! All the paperwork last minute at that and the parents
emailing all day long and she had to respond to all of them!!
Something is wrong with this! Well enough of my going on---
check and make sure that you are jepordizing your certification by
teaching some math! It doesn't sound right to me???? Judy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 11:38am

Elaine, I know im a little late in responding, but i just wanted to offer my two cents.


when people tell you to just do it, and that it will be the best thing for you, they don't mean that it will be easy! and they definitely don't mean that there is something wrong with you for not following through with those behaviors. They say it because it's the truth...obviously taking the intial steps towards getting better aren't going to be easy, but after some practice, things will become easier. You can't get over your fears if you don't try, you know what i mean?


so i guess my tip is that when people tell you those things, don't get mad or upset over them. instead use those statements as motivation to get out and try things that you're afraid to do. Remind yourself everyday that you'll never get over your fears if you don't try. I know it wont be easy at first (trust me), but it takes baby steps.


good luck to you :)

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