Scared and Alone - Never Posted before

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Scared and Alone - Never Posted before
11
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 6:24pm

First time posting - sorry this is long. Not sure where else to turn. I am 29 yr old single (engaged) female..

I have been on short term disability for about 6 weeks now. I had two panic attacks at work and haven't been back since. Smart, sucessful and have a great job - but I crumbled out of the blue. Now I am struggling to regain control and dig myself out of this hole.

I have been "anxious" my entire life. I was the little kid who worried a lot, I used to have bouts of vomiting that would last weeks and no one could find a problem with me. I have suffered from random unexplained stomach issues forever - and given every diagnosis from IBD to the flu.

Well, the stomach problems finally transpired into a larger problem. I've been with my fiance for over 6 yrs, engaged over 2 yrs ago and called off the wedding...but still together. During that time have battled drug problems and partying too much but somehow kept the job/life together. That all ended when we STOPPED doing drugs and partying..how ironic.

I have had many emotional issues with the wedding and my relationships. So once this was pared with a new job and quitting drugs, I fell apart. I had two major panic attacks at work - sweating, heart racing, hyperventilation, suicidal thoughts, feeling outside of my own body... It was awful. I only knew what I thought was going on because I had the same feeling once in college during a test - my sister called (thank god) and I told her what I was feeling. She came over with my mom's Xanax and I fell asleep.

From that point I tried to go back to work, couldn't do it and have been on disability since. I don't know if I can go back to work, my fiance does not believe in drugs and I've been lying about taking Prozac (he thinks I only have Xanax, but he hates that too). I hate the pills, I hate going to the doctor, I hate how I can't open up to anyone for fear of rejection and shame. Things are slowly crumbling and I feel like running away. I just can't seem to deal with ANYTHING at this time.

I'm not sure what you can say to help, but I just needed to pour my guts for whatever its worth. Any advice is appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 8:31pm

Hi,

My heart goes out to you! I have been where you are. I am doing much better over the last year with medication (clonazepam), although I have really had to work at making myself go back to the places that I experienced the attacks. These places seem to be where I have to stay and can't get out, (ie: movie theatre,church,lineups,dentist chair.)(which was never a problem before this HIT). This summer I had to attend 4 weddings and a graduation, I worried myself sick with the thought of having to go. I had NO choice, these people were so important to me not to go. I sat at the back of the room and at the end seat at all events, BUT I DID IT!!(with no attacks!!)This was a huge achievement for me, and it has made me feel like there is even more hope.

Like you I did not want to medicate myself, but in the end I had to do something.I am so thankful that it has worked for me. You will have to get to your Doctor for some help, there is no shame in this, I was truly shocked at how many people that have crossed my path, that have some form of mental illness and are on medication.

There is hope, so please seek help sooner rather than later so that you can get on with living life! As for your fiance' when someone hasn't experienced an attack they just don't get it!! Look after YOURSELF, if you need a little help take it!

Keep us informed on how you are doing, Fergie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 8:54pm


Thanks for the uplift. I know others have the same issues, bu I feel like I'm being judged and now have a stigma over my head. I just want people to leave me alone...which is bad, I know.

Another problem is that I have been going to a psychologist now for 6 weeks and I feel like I'm getting worse in a way. I went in just with a bad episode and have since she's uncovered a whole slew of "issues" - she thinks it's everything from depression, ADD, and possibly bipolar! I get a panic attack just going in to see her!!

My best times are when I am away from the environment and not talking about mental health. I feel good and forget about it, so I can function normal. But when I'm back around the same people, situation, place...it just comes pouring back. The sensation is bizarre, almost like I'm high or something. It always starts in my left arm...the awful tension.

I guess I'm blue becuase I do not see how to get out of this situation. I have to go back to work at some point, if I leave my fiance I'll still have to deal with all that crap, if I just run off someone will hunt me down and make a big scene..

Ugh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 8:58pm


Another note - I just dumped all my meds down the toilet today. I'm just tired of it.

Wish me the best, hopefully I don't go crazy...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 9:43pm

Hi! Glad to have you join our caring community. You are NOT alone. Most of us who post have suffered from anxiety & are works in progress. I am NOT cured. I have learned to cope better. Don't throw in the towel. You can regain your life. If this psychologist isn't working out, then you may need to find a new one. One size therapist does not fit all.


Did you contact your dr. about stopping the meds? I don't know how much xanax you have been taking or for how long, but increased anxiety & some form of withdrawal is possible. You may want to reconsider. There are others who have faced anxiety without meds. If that's your choice, then we'll support you in your decision. It is also possible, that the prozac was not the proper dose for you. Maybe another med would work better. Just some things for you to consider.


I overcame a driving phobia that lasted 3 years. I finally became sick & tired of my life without wheels & making excuses to my kids. It took alot of work, but using the small step method, I was able to get back on the road. I MAKE myself drive EVERYDAY. You can get back to work. I wish you lots of luck. We care about you & want you to have a good life. Please post often. Join us in chats. Sending P&PT's your way. (((hugs))) jan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2001
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 9:49pm

I see that you have already gotten great advice...please accept help.


I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and we are all her for you. Please lean on us for support....


Sending prayers and support your way...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 10:51pm


Thx for the support - I think this is the first time I've been truly honest and open with my feelings in a long time.

I just can't seem to ask for help, nor let anyone help me. I am deliberately pushing everyone away in my life at this point. I think I am self-destructing with the thought that it might be easier to just start over with everything. In essence, just run and hide from it all.

Its horrible, I know. I am being awful, feel awful and am petrified. This sucks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 11:07pm
Hi jackie and Welcome.

Blessings, Suz   Posts in this Community   

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 11:52pm
Hi Jackie-This is Shasta,here! Welcome to the board!
I totally understand your feelings, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Also, I agree with what Suz, Jan and the others had to say.
If you feel this therapist is not working well for you, Please seek help from another doctor. I too, quit working, my last day at my job of 13 years was spent in the ER-
Cause: a major panic attack. So I know how you feel.
Soon after, I went to see a therapist. She just was not a 'good match' for me...Unfortunately, I waited 2 more years to seek further help. Big Mistake!
But,now I have a pdoc that I like, and I feel she understands me, I feel very comfortable with her. I just wished I had those 2 years back. I know I should have seen a 2nd doctor way sooner than I did.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing,k? And come back anytime!
We look forward to getting to know you!
hugs!
shasta
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 7:32pm

You sound like a very brave woman. Your fiance sounds a bit like Tom Cruise! Obviously he hasn't experienced panic attacks or anxiety attacks. They are debilitating, and they are painful. Hopefully, he can support you. If you are to be married, that is the most important factor. Supporting each other, in good times and bad. Take if from me. My husband really doesn't believe in therapy or drugs. When I became pregnant with my first child I got severly depressed. It was almost like post partum depression, but during my first trimester. It was awful. He could not understand why I couldn't just snap out of it. I finally saw a doctor and he prescribed Zoloft and I took it during my entire pregnancy. My point is, in some way, you need to feel loved and supported by the people around you or everything is going to be amplified. I know because I live it, too. You seem like a brave, and very smart woman. I fear rejection all day long, and it is a horrible way to live. Especially from the ones you love the most.

Best of luck, and you will be ok. I would see if you can't brind your fiance to one of your therapy sessions. Maybe he could get a better grasp on what the meds do for you. Sometimes our bodies need them. If you were diabetic or had a cholesterol problem, you would take medication for it, right? WHy not if you have a chemical imbalance or a seretonin problem. It's the same thing.

Love, JD

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 9:19pm

I had a major panic attack at work back in January and was on disability and now worker's comp. I still haven't been able to return to work. I opted to do this without drugs, and I think that is the reason for my slow progress. The reason I did that, was the side effects were causing me more anxiety. I wish I could take something, so that my progress would be faster and am hoping to get back on xanax, as I did do well with that. Taking meds for anxiety/panic is not like taking drugs & partying. Could that be why you're bf is opposed? because you use to party and gave that up? I am surprised when I tell people about my anxiety & panic. So many others are going through the same thing and open up once you talk about it, the stigma isn't nearly as bad as I imagined. My 1st therapist was awful, he diagnosed me with alot of things, also. I have had 2 more since him & I loved the 2nd two dearly. They helped put things in perspective & I walk out of there feeling alot better. Don't give up yet, it will get easier. You just need to find a therapist that works with you, not against you & gets you focused. I hope we can help lead you down the road to recovery!

Sheri Ann

Sheri Ann

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