Scared and Alone - Never Posted before

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Scared and Alone - Never Posted before
11
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 6:24pm

First time posting - sorry this is long. Not sure where else to turn. I am 29 yr old single (engaged) female..

I have been on short term disability for about 6 weeks now. I had two panic attacks at work and haven't been back since. Smart, sucessful and have a great job - but I crumbled out of the blue. Now I am struggling to regain control and dig myself out of this hole.

I have been "anxious" my entire life. I was the little kid who worried a lot, I used to have bouts of vomiting that would last weeks and no one could find a problem with me. I have suffered from random unexplained stomach issues forever - and given every diagnosis from IBD to the flu.

Well, the stomach problems finally transpired into a larger problem. I've been with my fiance for over 6 yrs, engaged over 2 yrs ago and called off the wedding...but still together. During that time have battled drug problems and partying too much but somehow kept the job/life together. That all ended when we STOPPED doing drugs and partying..how ironic.

I have had many emotional issues with the wedding and my relationships. So once this was pared with a new job and quitting drugs, I fell apart. I had two major panic attacks at work - sweating, heart racing, hyperventilation, suicidal thoughts, feeling outside of my own body... It was awful. I only knew what I thought was going on because I had the same feeling once in college during a test - my sister called (thank god) and I told her what I was feeling. She came over with my mom's Xanax and I fell asleep.

From that point I tried to go back to work, couldn't do it and have been on disability since. I don't know if I can go back to work, my fiance does not believe in drugs and I've been lying about taking Prozac (he thinks I only have Xanax, but he hates that too). I hate the pills, I hate going to the doctor, I hate how I can't open up to anyone for fear of rejection and shame. Things are slowly crumbling and I feel like running away. I just can't seem to deal with ANYTHING at this time.

I'm not sure what you can say to help, but I just needed to pour my guts for whatever its worth. Any advice is appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 2:09pm


Wow - I cannot believe the amount of support and positive encouragement I've received from you all. I feel so much better knowing that you've all had similar situations - I've felt alone for quite some time.

I am three days off Prozac and feeling ok. I will look for a new therapist this week and hope to do well until then. I am feeling tired, but that seems to be all. The anxiety has waned away for the moment...

Thanks again for the support, you are all wonderful!!

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