Mom conversation
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| Sun, 11-06-2005 - 1:30pm |
Anyone who's read back through previous posts knows I have issues with hearing stuff from my mother. It's a codependent thing, and it happened again, but I'm actively detaching, which is weird because my hormones are so haywire right now, being almost 38 weeks pregnant. Anyway, here's my story:
During a phone chat with my mom (which went all right for the most part), she said my dad looked all dressed up and wondered where he was going. I told her he was going to a guitar concert downtown. She did her usual, "What?!" and asked me how long it was going to last. I said I didn't know. I wanted to say, "Why don't you ask him!?!?" but didn't. I wish I had. I'm not expected to be perfect in that respect, though.
She said, "It'd be nice if your dad would tell me where he was going. I'd have meals ready if people would tell me where they were going. It's just inconvenient." She didn't say it in a mean way, but I was scared she would go on and on, so I just went "Mmm hmm," paused for a while, and added "anything else?" I was hoping that this was a passing conversational topic, and we could chat about something else. I was quite chatty during this conversation, anyway.
I could hear her gearing up, going, "Wellll ..." and knew that she was hesitating because she knew I didn't like to hear stuff. When asked if she was making me feel uncomfortable, I lied and said "I was just sitting here." See, I know where that goes. She'd say she felt guilty.
I wish I had been able to say, "Yes, you made me feel uncomfortable." My therapist says I shouldn't beat myself up over it, though, when I am not perfect. Still, I've been imperfect too many times in that respect. I've learned not to draw more drama out of her, but I still fail to assert myself and say, "Yes, you are making me feel uncomfortable." And it's not like I haven't griped about Alex before, but it's never anything big.
Anyway, I was pleased that she wasn't angry in her tone at all. She was sort of chuckling and speaking calmly. She may just go off about it to my dad later, though. Who knows? Her voice wasn't slurred, so there's time (she's alcoholic and schizophrenic). I eventually ended the call because I wanted to take a nap, and she was very kind, as she's been for quite some time on the phone, actually. It just sucks that she treats my dad differently.
Still, I am so used to busting out in tears after a conversation like that, but I am fighting it. I'm not going to do that today. It won't change anything. It won't change the fact that my dad doesn't feel comfortable even telling my mom where he is going. It does make me sad, though. It always will, and it's one reason I am glad I live far away from them.
Kendra
(crossposted to other boards)
Edited 11/6/2005 1:31 pm ET by kschwitter

Considering the situation & all you have going on in your life, I think you handle things well. You are NOT imperfect too many times! I've saved tears for later. It helps to get things out & release the built up tension. Sometimes when I read what you've posted, I wonder if your mom deliberately sets you up in these situations as a *go-between* since your parents can't seem to talk to one another. She may not even realize she's doing it & when confronted is bound to deny it.
In my case, Kendra, as I got older I was able to *detach* as you call it & leave my parent's drama to them. They still say
Well, Janis, I think you more than *deserve* a new TV! $150 is so inexpensive for the old one you had! Good point about whether she does it on purpose; I was just surprised she'd asked if she was making me uncomfortable. And thanks. A nap was just what I needed--ended up sleeping two hours and waking up with Alex, who works night shift now.
I have to let go of this image of me being perfect at everything, because it's so not true, and I'm tired of beating myself up over it. Thanks for helping affirm my feelings and helping me to get there. :)
Hugs,
Kendra