Update....might be a bit long
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| Fri, 12-23-2005 - 11:09am |
I had my second session with my counselor yesterday and again, it was productive. It's amazing the amount of 'triggers' we have managed to uncover. Obviously my getting sick with that kidney stone and then the kidney infection is a HUGE trigger. And here is one reason why: When I first relocated to this small town I sank into a depression. Nearly a year after having lived here, I finally got up the courage to get a job. I was so proud of myself and so excited. The very next day, after being hired, I got real sick. I stayed sick too long and ended up having to give up that job. That devasted me. Now, we think that whenever I think I am starting to get sick, I react with a panic attack because I fear that everything will fall apart.
Second, passing the kidney stone and getting the infection was so painful that I thought I was dying and I was sooooooo scared. So there is some PTSD there that needs to be worked through. Which, leads me to one of the worst triggers I think anyone can have: my own home. I do not feel safe here at all. My upstairs (which is like a greatroom: livingroom, dining, and kitchen) remind me of all the pain I endured with the kidney stone while I laid on the floor waiting for dh to take me to the er). My bedroom reminds me of how sick I got from the infection. So being here actually triggers me quite a bit.
Now another component that works into here is the fact that dh is in the Navy. When we first got together a couple years ago, he was talking of not reenlisting. Over the past summer he started having second thoughts. And that freaked me out. I don't wanna move again. I don't want to uproot my kids. And I don't want to be left here all alone either. So nothing in my life is secure. Nothing.
And yet another component is something very heart breaking that happened shortly after we relocated to this town but before we got married. I found out that dh was already married to someone else. they had been seperated for four years and she had been living in Mississippi this entire time while we are here in MN. But he never told me about her. And he never bothered to file for the divorce because he gets dependent pay for being married and he wanted to use that so he could buy me this new house. I know it sounds messed up and he did screw up big time but I really don't believe there was any romantic involvement any longer. We worked through the issue and he was down on his knees begging me to stay. I decided to stay and we married. But it was still devastating to me and caused me subsequent depression for the first year we were here.
See how much progress we are already making in two sessions? :)
She then gave me some excercises and assignments for the week. She reminded me of the belly breathing to be used during a panic attack, at the onset, and taught me the muscle excercise when I have heightened anxiety that could lead to panic. She had me think of one room in the house where I felt comfortable. Turns out to be my daughter's room. lol So I go in there, turn on my christian music and do the muscle excercise. I am also to close my eyes and envision myself in a place where I feel safe. That place is my old apartment (even though it was a crappy apartment, I was healtheir mentally then).
Well, I ended up having to do this last night. I felt a bit of anxiety and you know what? Within 20 minutes I was okay! No panic attack!
She also had me write down the list of panic attack symptoms. Everytime I have a symptom that triggers, I am to journal it and compare it to my list. This is to show me that I'm not suffering from something more serious. I am to journal all my symptoms as they happen.
So, that is my story so far! Thanks for letting me share. :)

That is awesome. It sounds like you and your counselor are making great progress. Sounds like your counselor really knows what she is taking about :)
Candie
Jennifer, What an amazing story.
Sheri Ann
Jennifer glad to hear you like your counselor and are making such progress. My therapist has also given me a couple of the exercises you are working on and they've helped me immensely. Wishing you continued success.
Keitha
Thanks so much for the support and continued encouragement, everyone. I sure hope that by posting my progress, maybe I can give some hope and/or ideas to others. I really think anxiety and panic can be managed if not overcome. It's just difficult to figure out how and sometimes it just seems so hopeless.
Never in my life did I imagine that I would suffer from a panic disorder. Depression I have had for years but what I wouldn't give to only have that to deal with. The panic is pure hell. I'm sure you all agree. It's been nearly two weeks now since I've been to the ER and I'm happy about that. I hope not to go back there anytime soon.
Jennifer
"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi
What a great post!
Judy