Somebody recently mentioned this:

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Somebody recently mentioned this:
13
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 6:18pm

About one's spouse being a trigger.

Well, we did a lot of digging in therapy today and came to discover that my relationship with dh is a HUGE trigger and that it might actually be the reason for my panic attacks to begin with!!!

We have a loving marriage. I love him sooooo much and he very obviously loves me and the kids too. However, we have a huge communication problem. We see things so differently (this is probably typical of a lot of new marriages). DH doesn't validate me when I express things that bother or upset me. His response is always, "Well, you have me now so everything is okay." or "I bought you this nice house so everything should be just fine."

What he fails to understand is it's not fine. I'm not about material items. I need things to be mutual and I need support. Ever since I moved here with him I've lost my sense of control in my life. He makes major purchases without me. I'm not included in any major decisions. That's just the beginning. When I bring something to his attention that upsets me, he gets defensive and snaps at me. He doesn't hear me and thus I have backed down from communication these things with him.

There's way more to it and it would take too long to type it all out. But at least I'm really gaining some clear perspective on what is going on with me. We think that the reason I obsess over my health is because it's a valid excuse for my panic attacks. DH does validate my health issues and panic attacks. And my counselor suggested that maybe it's too scary for me to deal with our issues and it's just easier to have medical scares. Like it's the lesser of two evils.

This is just getting more and more interesting. And things are really making sense. I think we are on the right track here. I also think this can be worked out and our marriage can be made better. I really do! I just have to learn how to communicate to him and deal with his possible reactions. We are going to do some role-playing later on so I can learn new skills.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

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Registered: 03-22-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 7:17pm

Your therapist sounds wonderful, right on target with your anxiety.

Sheri Ann

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Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 8:08pm
DH drives me there cuz it's 30 minutes away and I'm afraid of having a panic attack on the way there or back. But he sits in the waiting area. I think he'd be wayyyy to uncomfortable to go in right now. But it is a possibility in the future should it be of benefit anyway. :)

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

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Registered: 03-22-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 9:23pm

Mine waits in the waiting room, also.

Sheri Ann

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Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 10:21pm
That's too bad that your dh is too uncomfortable. I wonder why that is. I think for my dh it's cuz he might think he's partially to blame for my condition and doesn't want to be put on the spot. It's just a guess anyway. But at least we both have husbands who are there for us through this crap - even if they distance themselves from some of it.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 8:33am

Hi,
It was me asking about dh being a tigger, yea it sounds like we have the same dh, except mine is still not supportive of me, he igornes any facts. Oh and you are lucky at least you have a good therepist, I wish had one period, but the group has helped me alot and things will get better,Please kept me up to date Commuication between me and my dh is one of our spots too. Also, I am not materialistic either.

lynn

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 3:40pm

That's right...it was you! Glad you found my post. :)

It's a sad shame when our own husbands actually serve as a trigger for panic attacks. That's not how it should be. I sure hope you can find a way to get yours to come around and at least support you.

The past 24 hours or so I've really been doing a lot of thinking about my situation. What can I do to feel more like an equal and less like I'm under his thumb. Well, my mother came up with one idea that could help me start to have more control in our lives: she suggested that I ask if I can take over the budget and paying the bills. This way I know what our income and debts are. Besides, DH is going away for a year next fall; he's being deployed somewhere else. I'll need to be in charge then, right? So that is my reason and I hope he accepts it. I worry a little cuz he likes to spend money and if I have half the control then he has to be a little more mindful of what he does with the money. So he might object. We'll see. But it's a start.

I've also been very observant about just how 'off' he and I are. He is actually more self-centered than I realized. Not that he's a bad person. This is a man who was a bachelor all throughout his twenties and into his early thirties. He was raised an only child. So that must have a lot to do with why he is the way he is. However, something is gonna have to change so we are more equals and on the same page.

We bought a brand new mini-van the other day. We were driving a Monte Carlo and I have an Old's Acheiva. We are a family of five and our oldest is 6'2". So we were packed like sardines anytime we would go anywhere as a family. So it's nice to have this new van. And I was excited to get a chance to drive it to my doctor app't yesterday. Until DH informs me that his buddies are taking him out to lunch to celebrate his promotion and he's taking the van. Ugh. It's all about him. I'm seeing it more and more now. I think this has definitely contributed to my panic attacks.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 3:53pm
uh oh sounds very familiar to me---- been married 36 years!!
Mine is an only child also!!! and YES that contributes to their
selfishness for SURE! He is clueless except with himself!! I was so
attracted to him because he had it all together totally self sufficient
I did not realize that perhaps he did not need anyone else in his life
let alone someone with a mental illness needing lots of TLC and 3 children
one with schizophreina!! The poor man sure did bite off more than
he expected!! I was fun I was full of the devil he was more straight-
I was a challenge- I am emotional like his mother was! I could go on and on
the BIGGIE here is to build YOUR OWN SELF CONFIDENCE SO YOU CAN TELL HIM
WHEN HE IS BEING SELFISH!!! Like hey I thought I could use the van???
YOu may be surprised to get a positive answer!! GOOD LUCK Marriage is tough!!
and mine does increase my panic and negative thinking!!! IGNORE WHAT YOU CAN!
HEE HEE!!! HUGS! Judy
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Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 5:10pm

Wow, well you have 35 years on me in the marriage department. We are celebrating our one year anniversary on January 7th. We are both in our early 30's. Late bloomers I guess you could say. lol

I always try to cut DH some slack and here's why: he not only married me. But he married my three children: 14, 11, 5. They are very well behaved children (thank God) but he has no children of his own nor any experience with children. What a challenge he took on! But he's doing quite well at it most of the time. And he makes a lot of sacrafices for us. Like right now I'm a SAHM. He takes care of me and the kids until I get back on my feet. But sometimes I think perhaps I cut him wayyyyy too much slack.

The big problem is he likes to make major purchases without me. The latest was an XBox 360. He said it was a Christmas present for out two boys and himself. Well, I think the real motive was he wanted it. Christmas morning our boys were SO surprised to get this. We normally never buy new game systems like this when they come out; could never afford it. Well, dh started playing it right away. He never let the boys play it all that day. He was being so childish. I was shocked!!! My mom came over and DH still sat there playing. My mom was shocked and didn't know what to think. Later that evening, my 11 year old was becoming very sad. He was crying. So things came to a head and I had to let DH have it for being so selfish. His reply was, "I told everyone I get to play it when I want during my vacation!"

How selfish!!!! I mean, they're kids. And I know my kids would have been adult enough to take turns. So that really made me so mad. It's just selfish things like that that really bothers me and maybe I was just blind to it before. But I'm really starting to take notice now. He's a great guy and works hard. He pays all the bills and puts food on the table. He can be very loving and a lot of fun. But for being 34 he sure has quite a childish side to him. KWIM?

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 5:13pm
OKKKK sounds just like my dh boy are they related or is mine his long lost twin LOL.well I wish it is was a thing of just talking!! He is a good person and he too is an only child, that probly is alot of it, but still hellooo, anyway I have a plan and things will be work out I know, but well you know!!I want things ok now, but at least I have a light at the end of the tunnel. always a good thing right. Have great day
Lynn
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 5:33pm

Boy,I do the same with giving him too much slack, because of my kids only one at home but he is a good provider and we could do alot worsr right? I guess knowing there are more people out there that are like our dh's is a relief, well mine is 46 sooo the need to mature alittle ? Yea!! but who am I to say I have my flaws!!!

Lynn

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