I had a panic attack in front of my BF
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| Fri, 01-13-2006 - 11:02pm |
I read here in another message that some people with anxiety disorders find relationships stressful because they are always thinking "what if?" and worry about the worst happening - "what if he should break up with me?" Well, I have always been very insecure as it is in previous relationships but I have an incredible boyfriend now and I thought my insecurities were starting to fade away - that was, until the other night.
We went out for dinner and in the middle of it I started to panic due to a bothersome image which got stuck in my head (due to my OCD). I have been told to fake it when my panic attacks come on in the past but I just couldn't fake this one. My BF started asking if it was him, so I explained right away that it wasn't. So then he asked me to tell him what it was, and I told him all about the image that was bothering me. He thought it was weird, but he suggested a few ways in which maybe it would bother me less. He said we could even have a funeral for the image together and pretend it was dead and could not bother me anymore. I thought that was really sweet but I acted incredibly weird the entire night because I was so scared about what he must have been really thinking. Then I kept showing my insecurities by saying "I was afraid to tell you because I thought you would
leave me". And then I'd go over and over "oh my God I freaked you out so much, I'm SO SO sorry." Finally he just told me to "stop it" because I said it so much. He kept telling me not to worry about it. But on the other hand, he didn't hold my hand as much which also made me wonder if he was trying to pull away from me.
Anyways, when he left me Wednesday night, everything seemed fine, but I was worried all day Thursday he wouldn't call. He did call eventually, at 2:45 AM after he finished work (he's a waiter) so I was so relieved to hear his voice and he sounded like everything was good. Still, I panicked so much that day that I didn't sleep all night.
Then today we went out but prior to that I was so scared he wouldn't call (once again). Of course he did but then we went out with a friend of his who happens to be very insecure in his own relationship and told me about it in front of my BF and I was like "oh yeah I feel that way sometimes too". My boyfriend looked at me and I think he freaked out or something ... maybe it's all in my head. But I know guys get pissed when women show their insecurities. So now I'm worried and paranoid about this. He didn't seem his normal self
today - much quieter than usual, although he is a quiet guy. When I asked him if something was wrong, he said no he was okay.
Now I want to know - I'm sure everything in my relationship is fine, that I just freaked him out a little but I still have this terrible fear that he'll break up with me regardless. How can I stop this worry? Because the more I show it the more he'll start to see it and become upset. Now I worry everyday that he won't call me too. How can I stop this? Help! I don't want to lose him - he's one of the best things to ever happen to me!
P.S. He already knew about my OCD prior to the attack.

If you have a strong relationship, it should weather the storms of anxiety pretty well. The fact that your bf called, then called again & you guys went out together ought to be reassuring. It seems that you've become super sensitive & are more than likely imagining problems where no problems exist. In my experience this happens alot. We analyze & re-analyze every behavior. Every subtle nuance in a glance or conversation is enough to get us wondering what does that mean? It probably means nothing @ all.
I suggest that you find a balance in your own life. A comfort level with your anxiety. Until you can find it, these thoughts of what your bf thinks & your insecurity will continue to cause problems. If he told you to *stop it* then you know in this instance exactly what he was
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Sheri Ann
like you are--- however now I know that just letting it go is
the best way to deal with it!! Believe what your BF says guys
are really upfront!!! IF he says he is not upset then he is NOT!
I have learned over the years that men do not say a whole lot about
how they feel but when they do you better listen!! LOL
I am serious about this it is funny because WE GIRLS have to talk and
talk about everything!! Listen to your heart! YOU WILL BE FINE! Judy
Judy, You are so right!
Sheri Ann
Thanks for all your positive messages. The thing is we've only been together for barely three months at this point. So I believe this is something that came up very early in the relationship. I'm reading into everything right now, but today he just called me out of the blue to chat so things cannot be that bad I guess! I just want to stop imagining all these terrible scenarios in my head, just assume we will stay together, and deal with the disappointment THEN should the worst ever happen. So I guess I'm not the only one who over analyzes.
-J