Having major guilt trip... (long)
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| Tue, 01-17-2006 - 12:27pm |
Oh, man. It's a good thing my next therapy session is in two days.
A little background:
My mom grew up in an abusive home (physical, verbal, etc.). When I was about 12, my mom cut off all contact with her parents and siblings. There's a story behind that, but I won't let her tell me. I can't handle it. Anyway, I didn't see any of my mom's family for years. When I became an adult, my mom said that if I wanted to renew contact it was up to me. I slowly have over the past 5 years. I e-mail with my grandmother from time to time, exchange cards, etc. I don't plan to see my aunts, uncle, or cousins.
Anyway, I thought this was what I wanted, but now I'm very confused. My mom had warned me that they were very manipulative, and now I'm beginning to see what she means. They do not acknowledge any type of abuse and feign innocence about why my mom wants nothing to do with them. And my grandmother is a master at guilt trip letters and e-mails.
She finally persuaded me to come visit them about 2 years ago (4 hour drive away). I did, and here two years later I still get upset about it. I can't put my finger on why. They have never been anything but loving toward me, but I can't help but be mistrustful of them. Every time I have any contact with my grandparents, I end up feeling so guilty and sad.
The latest thing is that my grandmother e-mailed me before Christmas wanting me to come over there because she wants to give me some jewelry. Her e-mail was very pressuring (she even said she didn't mean to sound pressuring), and I freaked out. I never replied back.
Finally, today, I e-mailed her and said that visiting was just not something I could handle right now. I apologized for sounding hurtful, but was firm and said that I just couldn't do it. I then asked her to offer the specific ring she wanted to give me to her other granddaughter because it's very similar to a ring I already have.
Did I do the right thing? My life right now is a delicate house of cards, and even though I now have anti-anxiety meds, I am not coping well with much right now. It's like I can't add anything else to the mix or I might collapse.
Part of me wishes I had never renewed contact with them. Part of me is angry at myself because I feel like I'm being unfair to them (always turning down their invitations to visit, etc.).
Thanks for reading this--I know it's long.
Laura


(((Laura))) I know exactly what you mean about one more thing just being added to the mix will cause you to collapse.
Sheri Ann
Only YOU can make the decision
I sure do agree with Sheri and Janis
Judy