Thanks for your reply,Jennifer *trigger?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2006
Thanks for your reply,Jennifer *trigger?
4
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 2:49pm

I have had such a bad time these past few days. My daughter is pregnant and started hemoraging the other day. They were able to get her stabilized and she will now have to be bedridden for the next few months. Thank you so much for your concern.

I am 46 years old, married twice and currently single. My daughter is 26. My whole life has been a rollercoaster ride from the time my mom was killed in a car accident, then foster homes, rejection by my dad, courts, etc, until I finally decided to tell my therapist the truth about my feelings. I think I am on the right track now and have been for several years.

I was not trying to pick on anyone in particular, I thought I was summing up several people, for this I am sorry Daniele, it was not meant as an attack on you personally.

Regarding the comment on Xanax....My problem with xanax began when I started having panic attacks. I was raped as a teen and had an abortion and didn’t let anyone know. After many skirmishes with the law, it was ordered that I seek counseling. Besides other things, they gave me xanax for my anxious feelings. Looking back on it now I found that I used it as a crutch. I did not want to deal with reality, I wanted a pill to fix it all. When I got to the point of using a month’s worth of rx in only 2 weeks, my therapist called me on it. I promptly quit going to him and began with another. Again I was prescribed the xanax as I did not tell him much about the other therapist, only that he was just too far for me to travel to see. I went through several that way. When they caught on, I moved on.

I finally found a therapist who did not belive all my lies. He was the first one who made me do a psych evaluation. I was found to have PTSD, MILD anxiety, and mild depression, and bigtime ADD, with minor OCD (not all this was found from the testing). I finally came out in my truths to him that I had many many secrets that I was not telling. We began working on them one by one. By this time, he sat me down and we had several intense therapies. One of which he flat out told me to learn to deal with my anxieties. I needed to wean myself off the xanax. It took several years, but I am off of it now. I faced my problems, once they were out in the open, and they were not as insurmountable as I thought they were. When I feel something starting to tighten my chest, my breathing starting to quicken, I close my eyes and go to that ‘happy place’ (yeah, a cliché, but it works) and try to ride it out, most of the time it works.

I found I am a better person inside now that all my secrets are out. And something happened to me on the way to the truth…..I found that I am gay. The reason I could not keep a husband or any relationship was not because I was a bad person but because of my underlying feelings for females. That hit me between the eyes.

And that is why I said it is better to go ahead to get that evaluation, watch the xanax, and be totally truthful with your pdoc, therapist, or whomever you see. You may be surprised at what you find when it is all out in the open and is the final truth about yourself.

Thank you for listening and take care. May God be with you all.
Barb

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 4:43pm

Oh I am so sorry about your daughter.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 5:54pm

Wow, Barb and Jennifer, I can relate to both of you very much. I didn't start dealing with abuse issues until I moved to NC.

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 7:52pm

Sending P&PT's to you & your dd, Barb.


It isn't unusual to find that you have an abusive past. I was sexually abused as a child. It took me years to actually talk about it, even though I had seen a pdoc & a couple of *t's* & it was never mentioned. The guilt & shame keep us quiet, as far as verbal expression goes.

 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 8:11am

Hi Barb,

Thanks for sharing your life and I do think it is important to have your story out for people to see how far everyone has came in their lives. I never took medication as well, I was always afraid to take it since my father was a former drug user and did not want him ever to find out because he was verbally abusive and would have called me a "Drug Addict" or something like that. I do believe that most of us have had some sort of trauma in our younger years and we get blocked for so long that the only way we can get things out is through our anxiety's it is like it forces us to face things. I am not saying everyone has had a trauma from childhood but alot of us have. I think for me when I was able to talk in therapy about things when I was younger it helped me so much. I did not feel like a fake and a fraud. I could tell someone about my father and someone knew the real me. Now as an adult, I tell it like it is but as a teenager it was so traumatizing and I really could not let anyone know about my family. Thank god my father is better now and I was able to process through what I felt and know who I am.

I am sorry for all of the suffering that you went through! I am happy though that you came out on top. I am sure you have good days and bad days. I still have days where I get anxious but I ride them out and I keep testing myself more. I am actually flying for the 2nd time on my own on Friday. I would have never flown alone!

Be well & Thanks for sharing you inspiring story.

Also, I hope that you daughter is doing better!

Paula