How do you handle it when... (long)
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| Fri, 02-17-2006 - 1:11pm |
a topic comes up during therapy that you don't want to talk about? Or, do you even have that situation at all? Yesterday I went in and she asked me what I wanted to discuss and I said family stuff (grandparents, specifically). So we talked about the issues regarding them that I needed to get out and then out of nowhere the THING that I do not talk about with anybody came up. Oh, but therapists are good at bringing stuff like that out. Anyway, I said that I did not want to talk about that particular thing that had happened in my family. She said that was okay, but that she couldn't help me if she didn't know what it was. I said fine, I understand, but I'm still not talking about it. So then we got into why that was, and here's where I said something that I don't think I said very well. I said there are some things about myself that I do not discuss with anyone, and that I don't differentiate between her and my friends or mom in that regard. That's what I *meant* to say--in other words, that there are some things about me that I will not share with anyone, no matter who they are. I think the way it came across was that this is the case with *everything* about me, if that makes any sense. She seemed kind of bowled over when I said that and said that she hoped I knew I could discuss anything with her (I've been seeing her for about 11 months now).
So now I feel really bad. It's not that I don't trust her, and I tried to explain this, it's that there are some doors I don't want opened. And of course it all goes back to the fact that I am like a human fortress with all of my walls and stuff. I don't let people in, and we have discussed this. I just feel bad because a few weeks ago she was saying how I was really starting to open up.
I don't want her to think that it's her. Or probably it's just me projecting that, right, because therapists are trained not to let things get to them? I don't know. She didn't push me yesterday, but I could tell she was disappointed that I shut down the way I did.
But on the other hand, this is the first time I've been in therapy and this is *hard* for me! I've always kept myself at a distance from people, so I think it's only natural that I do that from time to time in therapy. As it is, she already knows stuff about me that nobody else does.
What do you think? And what should I say next week when I go back?
Thanks,
Laura


(((Laura))) There may come a time when you want to open up more and discuss this stuff, but if not, that's your choice.
Sheri Ann
I'm one and the same, Jan. I think what it is is that I have two conflicting things going on.
1. I am very concerned about not hurting people's feelings, especially those of people I like. And I do like my therapist. And sometimes it's hard for me to remember that she's a professional and she isn't going to be fazed by what I say. She's told me before that I'm not going to hurt her feelings, but I have a hard time with that as I was raised to be very polite. This goes along with the fact that I don't allow myself to feel anything. I keep emotions bottled up inside, so when things come out in therapy (like anger or hurt at something that happened), I don't like it.
2. At the same time, the notion of any one person knowing everything about me bristles me. It has nothing to do with whether it's a shrink, a boyfriend, or one of my friends. I have a hard time opening up to people, and depending on the subject, I flip the "off" switch. We have also talked in my sessions about my tendency to do this. I think it has nothing to do with my therapist herself because I like her a lot. I think the same thing would happen with anyone.
I wish I had a rule book for therapy. Sometimes I don't know what to do.
Laura
in the past. You have buried this and are not ready to open
it up yet. Am I right? Perhaps you need more time perhaps
you don't feel "safe" enough yet? When I finally told my
therapist things I never told anyone else he helped me
lose the guilt feelings that it was my fault somehow!!
This helped me greatly! Your therapist is there to help you
not judge you or make you feel uncomfortable! When the time
is right you will tell her--- in order to help yourself
sometimes it is hurtful. Take care and I hope this helped
you a bit! Judy
Thanks, Jan, for all of your help. I really do appreciate it. What's really interesting to me is that even though we don't really know each other, you have made some really good points about my character that are absolutely true. I do think it's really important for people to like me, I don't like to hurt people's feelings, etc. And my therapist and I have talked before about the fact that I feel like I'm a different person depending on who I'm with. Like I'm a certain way with one friend and another way with a different friend. It's not like I set out to do that, but it's exhausting. I feel like I'm never really myself with anyone, just as you said. And it seems like with my therapist, I try to be "fine." I've even told her that before, that sometimes I shut down and stuff because I don't want anyone--least of all her--to think I'm not fine.
And journaling? My walls won't even allow that. I like to write and feel like I express myself better when I write than when I speak, but journaling my private thoughts freaks me out. I tend to keep everything locked up in my head, which my common sense (not to mention my therapist) keeps telling me I can't do.
Laura
Hey, Judy. Thank you for your post--it did help me. You are right. I have been hurt by a lot of people over the years and along the way without realizing it, I have created this wall around my heart and mind and I don't let anyone in. I don't allow myself to feel emotions, especially those of pain and hurt. I just glaze over it if that makes any sense. I tell myself I don't care.
And what's interesting is that several times now my therapist has asked me if I was abused as a child. I was not abused and have told her so (this is the absolute truth, not a lie or denial). And that she has asked more than once makes me think she doesn't believe me. I suppose I show signs, such as a lack of trust in people, but I think it stems from other things (being bullied in school, mostly). Which, I suppose, is a form of abuse--but my therapist was referring to physical or sexual abuse I think.
Laura