new here...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
new here...
7
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 2:56pm
Hello all. I just stumbled across this board and think it might be for me. I have suffered from panic attacks almost my entire life. I am 25 and the first attack I can remember is from around 8 years old. I suffered in silence until I was 18 because I didn't know what was happening to me. At 18 I was having an attack I couldn't control and went to a friend's house. That was when I was told "You are having a panic attack". I had never heard those words before and didn't know what it was. About a year later I ended up in the e.r. with my most severe attack as of then and soon after was seeing a psychiatrist. I was put on xanax and antidepressants in 1999. It wasn't long before I was completely hooked on the xanax and didn't care to work on my problems as long as I had that crutch. The doctor I was seeing never bothered to go into cognitive therapy or anything. He just kept prescribing the meds and I kept taking them. About 6 months ago he retired leaving me freaking out about being able to find a doctor that would continue to dole out the meds I had become hooked on. It was then that I decided (with the help of my DH) that I needed to work on getting out of this huge hole I had dug. I now realize that when given a "fight or flight" choice I choose "flight" and more often than not I choose suppression. I have no idea how much I have suppressed over the years. I cannot remember very much of my childhood no matter how hard I try. I don't know what triggered all this but I do know that both my father and grandfather suffer from mild attacks as well. I was taking .5mg of xanax 3 times a day. I began reducing my intake by .25mg per day every two weeks. (The first two weeks I cut the middle pill in half, next two weeks the first pill in half, etc.) I am extremely proud to say that I am on day 3 of taking only .25mg once per day. I'm not saying this is easy. I have been on the verge of a panic attack since last night. I know that I can take a pill if I must but I don't want to. I am so close to being free of this and having no drugs in my system for the first time in a very long time. I can't express how wonderful that feels. I am terrified though. What if they come back? What if I can't work my way through the next attack? What if my son has them? That might be the scariest question of all. I have an almost 2 yr old son and I am terrified that I have passed this horrible genetic trait along to him. How do I go about talking to him about it without planting the seed in his head? I obviously have many problems still and no other outlet besides the few minutes my DH can spare around his work schedule. I hate to bother him anyway. I don't have insurance right now so I can't see anyone. Hopefully this board will at least be a way of talking with others who know what I'm going through. Sorry this introduction was so long. It's been a while since I've talked to anyone about this stuff.
Robin
Mommy to Lukas Lee
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: butrfly3764
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 4:01pm

Hello, Robin! I am so happy you found us. We aren't professionals & can't give professional

 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
In reply to: butrfly3764
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 4:54pm
Wow, thanks so much for your heart felt response. I love when I can find people who know what I am going through. Thank you for calling me on being hard on myself. I've done it for so long that I often don't realize I'm doing it. My dh even told me the other day that my self esteem is so low that I am often sabatoging (sp?) our relationship because I don't feel I deserve it. I had no idea that this went hand in hand with my anxiety disorder. I have, at times, dealt with depression and been on antidepressants. I feel it's something I struggle with on a daily basis still. I have a bad habit of getting down on myself as if it's all my fault. That it's some sort of punishment for things I've done wrong. That if I had been a better person in my past I wouldn't have the problems I have now. I have an extremely hard time letting go of the past. My dh is so wonderful about moving forward and I just can't seem to do it. I envy his mental strength. I envy anyone who doesn't have to deal with mental disorders and wonder "why me?" I get stuck in these "moods" and have a hard time pulling myself out of them. I notice myself being short with everyone, including my son, and it makes me feel even worse. I am extremely proud of how far I've come with getting off the xanax and I know it's a huge thing. I know I can overcome all this. I know I'm worth it. It's hard to make myself truly know those things though. I'm really glad I stepped into this board though! Thanks again for the warm reception.
Robin
Mommy to Lukas Lee
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
In reply to: butrfly3764
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 5:07pm

Welcome Robin!

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
In reply to: butrfly3764
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 6:22pm
Nice trip Robin! LOL! You'll find all kinds of stories here and all of us working on learning to live with this darn anxiety. You are very welcome here. If you do some reading, as Jan suggested, well you'll find a connection. We do understand what you are going through and whatever you will be going through to get better.
Blessings,
Suz
Avatar for cricketvk
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: butrfly3764
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 7:22pm

Welcome Robin!!!

Glad you found the board. As everyone has already told you - you will find alot of people here that are very helpful and truely understand what you are feeling. I've also suffered from Anxiety for years - I haven't taken xanax but I know that when I was having attacks multiple times a day - I'd not leave without my ativan and would check my purse sometimes just to know it was with me. Then I started feeling like i had an issue with it - when i really didn't.. It was just myt comfort - i thought about taking it much more often than I actually did. :)

This board is filled with some wonderful women and I think you will find yourself at home here.. so pull up a chair and sit a while.

Valerie (28)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2005
In reply to: butrfly3764
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 9:06pm
Welcome Robin, this board is a wonderful place to come and read and post your thoughts and concerns. I myself take Xanax .25 mg.....and I take one a day. Sometimes I cut it in half. I am so afraid of relying on this to deal with the stresses. It sounds like you have dealt with this for some time. Congratulations on trying to get off the meds. There are better days ahead for all of us. JanW
Jan
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: butrfly3764
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 3:20am

"That it's some sort of punishment for things I've done wrong. That if I had been a better person in my past I wouldn't have the problems I have now. I have an extremely hard time letting go of the past."


I spent years thinking like this): I have learned to like me better:) Jukie 33 calls it stinkin' thinkin'