UNBELIEVABLE BREAKTHROUGH!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
UNBELIEVABLE BREAKTHROUGH!!!!
7
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 11:08am

Bear with me if this is a little jumbled. I am super excited about this and couldn't wait to share with all of you.

I saw a psychiatrist for a very long time and the only thing I ever got from him was meds. He never tried to dig to find any of the roots of my disorder no matter how much I asked him. If you read some of my other posts then you know that he recently retired and I was left without a doc and without a way to get my meds. This and the support of my dh incited my want/need to wean off my xanax. I was doing ok but living in fear of the day when I would be off completely. I wanted it but feared it as well. My dh has been a wonderful support to me although he works a lot and I hate to bother him with my anxiety. Last night everything changed. It started off bad. We were fighting over something stupid again. My fuse has been unusually short since starting to go off the meds. I said something to him along the lines of "You're not my father" and he replied with "You're right I'm not. He's the piece of s--t that left you and I'm not gonna" I immediately lost it. I don't remember the last time I cried so very hard. It was a little while before I could think straight but dh started to realize what he had done. We both realized that he had found the root of my problem. My whole life I've thought I was mad at my mom for my parent's divorcing when I was 4. I mean, my dad had custody of me, why would I be mad at him? Then it all flooded over me...everything I've ever done in relationships is because I fear rejection and don't believe in love. DH says it's because that's the lesson I was taught when I witnessed the fighting between my parents and then the divorce. I quit trusting people right then and was driving a wedge between me and dh because I had it set in my mind that he would stop loving me and would leave me. We talked for a long time and he simply told me that my dad and those memories can't hurt me anymore and that I need to finally let it go and look into our future. He's not leaving me and will never stop loving me and although he's told me that before it's like I was hearing it for the first time. I started to have memories of the childhood I thought I'd blacked out forever. They aren't great memories (it's my parents fighting when I was probably around 2 or 3) but at least it's something that wasn't there before. After all the talking and crying I felt so different. Everything felt new. The panic attack that had begun was gone. I felt like I had been asleep my whole life and was just now waking up. I feel more clear and happier. I feel normal. I know I'm still gonna have a battle. This wasn't the ulitmate fix. I still have a lot to deal with and learn but this was the biggest step we could have ever hoped for. I really wanted to share that with all of you and keep everyone believing that there is a root and you can find it. For a long time I thought it would never happen. I thought I'd never know why I was like this. Now I know why and I can begin the healing process. I promise to keep you all posted on that process. I plan on talking to my mom about all this tonight. Besides DH she is the only person who has ever been completely supportive no matter what I did and expressed her UNCONDITIONAL love for me. I'm excited to talk to her about all this. Ok, gotta go drag DS away from Oobi and feed him lunch! lol. Thanks for being another wonderful source of support for me ladies! I truly appreciate everything I get from this board. You are all wonderful.
Hugs
Robin

Mommy to Lukas Lee
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 11:16am

Hi Robin,

Congratulations on your breakthrough!! Fear of Abandonment is a big one that triggers anxiety in so many people. You do have to find out the root of certain things that may have triggered your fears and anxiety. I am very happy for you, not that you went through the pain but you recognizing something so important.

Have a great day!

Paula

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 3:12pm

(((Robin))) Thank-you so much for sharing such a personal story with us.

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 3:25pm
Good for you, Robin! Getting a handle on the roots of our fears is a great first step! Good luck! (((hugs))) jan



 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 4:10pm

Hello Robin,
I think I introduced myself and welcome you, but just in case I didn't my name is lynn

and welcome and if I have introduced myself before than you can call me forgetful. Anyway

yes as Jan said thanks for sharing that.

((((((BIG BIG HUGS))))))

Lynn

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 5:21pm

Robin how wonderful it sounds as if you've found your starting point. I know about those pdocs and therapists neither of mine are willing to travel down my past to help me find my starting point. Maybe someday I'll find one to really help me or like you will have a loved one help me go there.

Keitha

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 7:10pm

Keitha, you journal, right?

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 8:37pm
Thanks for all the hugs and positive thoughts! My DH is a wonderful man and I finally realize just how much he loves me. I know this isn't the end and I still have quite a battle ahead of me but it's such a huge step and I am so incredibly happy. Today was so different from the past few days. I took my .25mg of xanax today but I took it much later than normal and only because I'm not to the point in the weaning process to not take it. I don't want to screw with my system as I wean off. I feel fantastic. I know I'll have some setbacks in my life but I know that I can get through them and my DH will be by my side through all of it. Those abandonment issues have been holding me back for too long and I'm gonna get over them! Yay for all of us! We CAN control our disorder!
Hugs
Robin
Mommy to Lukas Lee