Freaking out about health issues...
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| Thu, 04-20-2006 - 1:31pm |
Hi again...I posted this on the Bipolar board, but then realized this is more an anxiety issue than anything else, so I hope it's OK if I post it here...I'm really panicking...
I know this isn't all that relevant, and I apologize for posting...but I'm truly freaking out. I have had these symptoms that are developing very quickly, but I have been to the doctor so much for stupid things that she no longer takes me seriously...and even my therapist says I need to stop making doctor's appointments or trying to see a specialist.
But my doctor did agree that she had no explanation for what has happened to my feet...many of my toes have turned under and in so that it is somewhat hard to walk, and my balance is off. And now it's started in on my right hand...one of my fingers is crossing over the other, and my fingers are thickening, so it's hard to write.
And even my face, I feel like it's started to affect my lips too. I know what this likely could be, and there is no good treatment, but I feel like I need to see a rheumatologist to try to do whatever I can before it goes any further. Already, what am I going to do...I'm right-handed, and I need to write for my career, and I'm having trouble! I'm starting to have near panic attacks most of the day when I think about it.
The ironic thing is, I'm in a medical center, surrounded by doctors. Even more ironically, the dean of my school is a rheumatologist who is the regional specialist for treating scleroderma, which is what I'm worried I have. But I know I can't just make an appointment to talk to her and then bring this craziness up...right??!
It's so awful that no one takes me seriously...I know I'm depressed and anxious and turn that anxiety into physical things...but this is really something happening. I had a friend of mine (also a medical student) check it out just to be sure, and he agreed that there is definitely something there, and he also suspected scleroderma...which really, really freaks me out...that is an awful diagnosis, one of the only rheumatological diseases they really can't treat, and then you just get trapped in your own skin...and that could also explain this weight loss and diarrhea, possibly, but maybe not...
Ugh...freaking out like crazy...sorry, totally irrelevant to the board, just had to get it out...sorry...but what would you guys do??!
Rose

Hi, Rose! I know that you have had physical problems before that scared you. Since
I totally agree with Jan.
Sheri Ann
Thank you very much, Jan...it's so nice of you to ask. The problems have changed somewhat but haven't resolved. I did go to see my general doc, and she agreed that the change in my fingers was noticeable...so she sent me to have an X-ray of my hand and gave me a referral to see a rheumatologist, which was a relief to me. The X-ray showed mild swelling of my wrist, but that was it...
And I still haven't gotten an appointment with the rheumatologist because they have to review my chart first. So I'm doubtful that I'll be able to get anything resolved before I have to start working...and now my Achilles tendon is painful and seems to be swollen for the second time, strangely enough, but I refuse to go back to my general doctor for something else unexplained and odd! Though I had trouble walking on it the first time, so that was a problem...but I can sit most of the day anyway now, so I guess I'm OK...
The anxiety I guess has improved, though...or worn out, I'm not sure which. I've gotten so depressed lately anyway that I think that took over...I ended up having to go back on antidepressants...I'm not sure if I mentioned that before. My bedroom basically looks like a trash can, and I have final exams coming up next week that I should be studying for constantly, so I guess I have to try to force myself to concentrate.
And today I found out about a negative evaluation I got on a "standardized patient" exam having to do with how anxious and apprehensive I was...and this is not the first time I've had this problem, of course...so this is bringing me down further.
I was waiting and holding out for my appointment with my therapist yesterday, but she called at the last minute to cancel (not like her)...and she still hasn't returned my call to reschedule. I feel like I'm at the bottom of everyone's priority list, and for good reason...it feels pretty hopeless right now.
Sorry, this was way more than what you had asked about...I apologize. I was thinking just now about making a separate post about my concerns about the patient exam (though my wrist is hurting to type...I didn't go back to the doctor to ask what the swelling on the X-ray could mean, but I guess it's pretty nonspecific)...I may still do that, if it's OK.
Thanks for listening, and asking about me,
Rose
Edited 5/2/2006 3:01 pm ET by rosa444
Thanks for the update, Rose. I have little to offer you than what I have experienced first hand. I can hear the tiredness in your post. I can hear the rejection you feel. I know that you must be feeling hopeless @ this point when you say you're @ the bottom of everyone's priority list. You may even think that returning to AD's is some sort of failure on your part. But my experiences tell me that when we don't feel good about ourselves, minor things become major. We obssess
I am sorry to hear about the breathing. I want to assure you that we have lots of folks complain of similiar difficulties with their anxiety. Many of us focus on health issues & have a difficult time believing that our tests are normal. The zoloft you took
Thank you very much, Jan...that was so helpful it made me start crying again!
About the patient thing, though, this has become a bigger issue, along with the depression, and I've thought about taking a leave of absence or even dropping out of med school. So far it's been mostly "book" learning, but now that it's time to do hands-on things, my social anxiety seems like it's going to be a huge problem.
At least I guess that's what it is...I'm just scared of people, I figured out. I didn't really know that before, or want to admit it to myself at least, or I guess I wouldn't have gotten this far...but I've had years and years of practice, and cognitive therapy (for depression mainly, but also for social anxiety), and it never really gets better.
And just now, to have the "objective" person in charge of the patient exam pick up so quickly, and write on my report, that I seemed very apprehensive about doing the physical exam, and that it was very awkward, just put me over the edge. And I'm not questioning what she wrote...I know it's true, I've just never really seen it in print before.
So I just don't know what to do. I've thought about talking to one of the professors in charge of the clinical skills stuff, but I don't want to seem like a basket case, which I know I will, and start crying, and have her question my ability to stay in med school (which she probably should question, but I'd rather make that decision for myself).
Thanks again,
Rose