cant stop my thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
cant stop my thoughts
9
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 7:44pm
some of you may have read my posts on other boards. i am in really bad shape right now. so bad that if my daughter wasnt downstairs in the house i would have driven myself to the hospital. too much to go into to but i have very bad anxiety over my relationship with my husband and my inability to get control over myself before i open my mouth has brought me to this point. i am restless and and crying constantly. i briefly thought that i would be better off if i was not in this world. all i want to do is sleep now. i have been in bed since 4pm and i have taken an ativan. i have pushed my husband to the point of where he is done with me. he is away for 2 weeks. he just left today. things were good before he left. he told me he loved me and that things between us would get better. it would just take time and that we both had to work at it. i was strong and fine with that. i said it was good that we were going to keep our distance for the two weeks. give us both a break. well that lasted all of 6 hours before i blew it. i accused him of something that i should have just let go. my two best friends both agree i went overboard and was out of control. i called him on the road and left him a horrible message. threatening to get a lawyer. meanwhile i had no intention but i just couldnt control myself. both my friends said to just let it go now. one of them spoke to him and he told her that if she wanted to help me she should get me help. they both told me to leave him alone. dont call him. just give it a few days. of course i didnt do that. i called and he didnt pick up. i left a message crying that i was very very sorry. he didnt call me back. i called an hour or so later and he answered. very angry. i told him i was just calling to say i was sorry. he told me i should be be. he said he didnt want to talk to me. i said okay i understood. but here i am not being able to settle my mind. i am still in bed watching mindless tv. i am drinking herbal sleepytime tea so that added to the ativan will help me drift off. i feel myself going into a panic that if i dont talk to him and make sure everything is alright now i am going to lose it. i am becoming obsessed. i dont know how to stop it. i have been waiting for 3 days for a therapy group to call me with an appointed therapist. i called twice this afternoon and they keep telling me someone will be calling me. nothing yet. i want to leave him alone. somebody tell me how to do that. what if its too late now. i know he loves me but i have pushed him to his limit with my accussations and anxieties and constant nagging and questioning. we were good this morning really good. better than we had been in weeks. and i managed to screw it up again. i cant stop my mind. i cant just pick myself up and move on. i check in with my daughter who is perfectly happy watching her movies and has no idea whats going on. she is a teenager. then i go right back to bed again. how will i get through this night. why cant i separate myself from him even for a day or so. give him his space and me. i need help. i am scaring myself at the way i am thinking. this desperate way of thinking. i wish i could get a knife and cut out the part of my brain that just keeps the thoughts going in my head. what if i ruined it for good. everytime i get the urge to call him again i say to myself no dont do it. and it works for about an hour. but i know me and i know that as the night goes on it will last less and less. i have to leave him alone. i need to do that. i am truly at the bottom of the barrell now. i feel stupid and useless and like i am just a plain screw up. i feel for sure now tht there is somnething wrong with me. maybe i am crazy. i have thought about turning off my cell and taking the house phone off the hook. is that childish? should i do that. what if he tried to call me before he goes to bed tonight and i miss his call. what if i lwave it on and he doesnt call me then as the night goes on i will get more and more desperate. help me please.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 8:34pm

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this.

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 12:59am

Gosh I am so sorry this is happening to you.That desperate feeling is the absolute pits.From my own experience of being clingy and desperate was a gut wrenching pain.I was very insecure,which led to a lot of my problem.That

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 4:49am
everything you said is exactly what is happening. here it is 4:30am and the first thing i think about is calling him. i made it through last night. i am going to try to make it through today. was he cheating on you or did you make all that up in your head. i feel terrible now and i just wish i can stop this. how long afterwards then did the relationship end? i dont think i want mine to buti do want to help myself. alot of people talk about medication. i have been down that road before and though it helped i dont want to do that again. he especially hates it though i know i souldnt care if he hates it or not. if it helps me i should do it right. but i want to try without it. i want to get on the chat tonight but i dont know how to do it. if you read this can you tell me how.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 8:35am

Welcome to our caring community. I am sorry to hear how distressed you are. I am not able to diagnose you.

 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 1:09pm

I was waking up worrying about you lastnight.I really think you need to toughen up.I don't know anything about your relationship.What was happening in mine was,he made me feel insecure,always insulting my intellegence.The more he did these things,the more insecure I was and I felt like I needed him so I could feel whole and accepted by him.Now that I am in a great relationship,our bond is very strong and I know without a doubt he loves me and any obsessing or insecurity I have,he would never leave for 2 weeks.Im not saying he didn't have his own ppl,to help him deal with me,but he would never leave,knowing that,that would add to my already insecure mind.He comforts me to know end,and I KNOW HE IS REAL AND TRUE.Please get your strength back,and let him be.I would love for this man to see you strong and confident,and not act so desperate.Have you heard your DH is cheating on you?Any glues?I heard mine was,and I later found out he was,which was why he always undermine me,and made me feel so stupid for asking.I felt like his little,depressed, desperate house wife.My childhood was not the best,and this man knew that,so he would say things like,why are you so desperate,and need my eyes to see,what is wrong with you,just because the men in your life as a child were bad,why do you think

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 3:30pm
You can get through these 2 weeks, just do it one day at at time.

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 3:53pm
its not so much that he is against meds. i have been on lexapro before. its just that he is a very strong person. he overcame a difficult childhood. he is one of those people that makes things better on his own. if i really had to go on meds to feel better he would be okay with it. he just feels that a person should be able to handle whatever comes thier way. he is a hard person to explain. in answer to the other post, no i have never caught him with anyone or had anyone confirm to me that he is doing anything. he knows there is room for improvemnet within himself and he does make the effort. i am ashamed to say that i usually put a kabosh on i though after awhile and he retreats back to being distant. i have always had issues with this. it seems i have always had to have something to worry about in my life. i am my own worst enemy. i know that. i just dont know how to control it. i told him i was going to give him his space these two weeks. i acted "out of control" yesterday and i wouldnt blame him if he didnt want to speak to me for awhile. he sent me a text message this morning telling me that he didnt want me to be too hard myself he just wanted me to take care of my problem. he said he doesnt know how to help me and he doesnt think he can. he told me he feels bad for me because he cares for me. he didnt say because he loves me but he doesnt have to. i know he does. he wouldnt be here anymore if he didnt deep down. i have been like this for 10 years. i think he is trying to distant himself to protect himself and he hopes that i can overcome my problems. not to say that he doesnt have some changing himself to do but i think if he sees me being stronger he will be less cautious. as far as the infidelity thing goes. i dont knwo why i think it. i have asked him point blank several times. i have snooped and destroyed things in the process trying to find out things and i always came up with nothing. i was good for awhile telling myself that he has to live with himself if he is doing anything. but that strength didnt last too long. i know i need help. it scares me how i behave. i was raised by a woman who was and is a miserable constant complainer. i hate it. i dont want to be her. she always has drama and misery in her life. my husband has been telling me for 10 years that i always seem to have to be miserable about something. he is right. i will attempt to get on the chat tonight.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 8:00pm

"i know i need help. it scares me how i behave. i was raised by a woman who was and is a miserable constant complainer. i hate it"


I think you know what you need to do, please try again to make an appointment with a therapist to get to the bottom of why you are doing the things you are doing.

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 10:32pm

Dear harleypo,

I understand the obsessive quality of your thoughts that you describe. It is unbearable. Believe me, that is why I am on this message board tonight. The anxiety is so scary that people like us fear so much to be alone and to be abandoned because of the anxiety. We can't stand to be by ourselves, as we fear the worst at all times. I mean, how could someone love us, don't they know who we really are?
Okay, remember that you are not your anxiety. It is a part of you, but not all of you. Remember the wonderful parts of yourself that your husband knows is there. It sounds like you are both frustrated with each other;the more you cling, the more angry and confused he gets. It is so hard to have patience and give it time. Anxious people tend to be impatient and impulsive sometimes. So, it is hard to give him space right now. I totally understand. Forgive yourself for what you said. It is not what you truly meant, whatever it was. But, I know that beating yourself up will not solve the problem. It will only make your anxiety worse and will make your self esteem plummet.
Have you ever read any of Dr. Claire Weeks' books? They are called "Hope and Help for your Nerves" and "Peace from Nervous Suffering". They have helped me, as it is easy to understand and addresses everything that you are describing about your anxiety (and they are cheap to buy too...they can be found at Barnes and Noble and Borders). It may be worth your while to check them out.
When both you and he are calmer, maybe talk about seeing a couples' therapist? It may help both of you gain insight into the relationship, and will help him be a good supporter to you and understand what you are experiencing, and it will help you gain security in the relationship and help him through his stuff too. And, if you believe, then say a prayer and ask for help. I personally believe in that and wish you the best. Try and breathe and relax tonight. Take care and be well. Susan