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| Mon, 05-29-2006 - 8:08pm |
Hi everyone,
Thank you for your super thoughtful messages. I hope you all had a great weekend. I love your advice, and I know that I need to really focus on myself, and gaining more confidence, but it is incredibly hard. I usually save the responses and read them over and over so the advice will stick in my head. It all makes so much sense to me, and it is such a way of life, but I just can't seem to ever remember it when the anxiety strikes.
I feel so alone at times, and sometimes so paranoid. Even when I am not around my friends, I still feel like I am left out, and I am constantly ruminating about what they are doing, and what I am missing. "Did they make plans without me?" "They are for sure making fun of me" "They are so happy I am not there" "She is so needy." Pathetic huh?
I know I have bigger fish to fry, seeing as though my home life is really on the rocks. It's like someone once told me...If you push somthing down far enough, something else has to come to the surface. I think this is my way of not dealing with what is right infront of me.
UGGG. THis anxiety is so powerful. I just wish I were a normal. I will be 36 tomorrow, and I never thought I would be so insecure and afraid at this point in my life. I need to stop worrying about everyone else, and realize that I am a very good friend and mother. (I need to tell myself that!) I would only die to have a friend like me!!! My expectations are waaaay to high.
Thanks for listening. Lots of love, JD

Hello JD,
I am Lynn, it is nice to meet you and I probly have all ready introduced myself and hopefully welcomed you. I know that feeling, boy growing up I really felt like an outsider. and then got into disfunctional relatioships where I allowed them to control my self worth, but you know I meet this young girl who has become my DIL and she has made me see more of who I am and my self worth then any pdoc ever did. She has an great attiude,her motto is I am me and if that's not good enough for you then so be it. I know kinda harsh, but it helped me.Plus every morning, I got a hand mirror and looked into it and said to myself over and over I am a good person and then I would say what ever I felt like to be the opposite of my neg. thoughts at that moment I know strange.
I had a mommy dearest for a mother the movie that is and that was my life. My life is not totaly perfect now, but why would I want it to be? A would like a break from things yea! for sure, but I would really be more insane if I didn't have things to improve on daily.
I am so sorry I am such a long winded person,another flaw. LOL have been working on that for years thou, LOL You do sound like you are a very kind and thoughful person and hey that to me is half the battle. Hope to see you post again, take care and don't be a stranger come to chat tues night it is fun. hope to see you there.
((((((big big hugs)))
lynn