please help me understand this

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2003
please help me understand this
3
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 2:48pm

Everyone in my immediate family has suffered from a certain level of shyness. I never particularly thought, however, that any of us had social anxiety until recently. My mother has always had inexplicable mood swings. I thought at times growing up that she suffered some type of depression. Though other times she seemed just fine. But my sister recently got engaged and has been planning a wedding. When she invited my mother to the bridal shower, my mother had chose not to go. She actually had seemed angry that my sister would even suggest she come. And now, she claims she wont even be attending the wedding. We had all suggested she simply attend the ceremony and then leave after that, but she has her mind set on not going. And what's worse is that she is completely unapologetic about the whole thing.

I don't want to paint my mother in a completely terrible light. She is often the sweetest woman and she has done a lot for us in our lives. But I just cannot understand her recent behavior. My sister believes mom has social anxiety disorder. But can this disorder - in addition to having a person avoid one of the biggest days of her daughter's life - also cause the person to be angry and unapologetic about her actions.

If she has social phobia then I feel bad for her. But come on! It's her daughter's wedding!

What do you think?

And also, how can I explain her to people? I feel like people won't understand. (Which is reasonable, because I don't even understand.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 5:54pm

Hi & welcome!

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 7:38pm
How ironic that you would post about your Moms not wanting to attend your sisters wedding. My step daughter was married at 3 o'clock this afternoon. I couldn't attend. I am at this moment waiting for dh to return home from the reception. I have had two horrible days of anxiety over this. Last night was the rehearsel and rehearsel dinner. They were married at a ski resort about an hour away. This adds 2 hours traveling time to the time he was gone. My dh did not understand my panic over the situation which caused alot of hurt and anger in me. We haven't spoken for a a few days now.. He got home very late last night which hurt and angered me. I tried to explain my anxiety over this wedding months ago and had hoped he would at least try to alleviate some of it by coming straight home. I expect the same treatment tonight tho. I suspect your moms anger is as much at herself as anyone else. When the anxiety monster hits its hard to be rational. I honestly feel anger at my step daughter for getting married and putting me in this position and my dh for not understanding and supporting my decision.. Its hard to explain the guilt we feel over having anxiety problems that keep us from doing what the "normal" person takes for granted. Your mom wants to be there but the anxiety is overcoming that desire. Please try to be understanding with her!! My Mom had panic/ anxiety disorder and was unable to attend my wedding or be there for the birth of my children. That hurt me very much at the time. After anxiety reared its ugly head in my life I fully understood why she couldn't. My mom is gone now and I'm just thankful for all the sweet things she did, those are the things I choose to remember. Try to remember this is not something shes doing intentionally, nor does she want it to be this way, thats the reason for the anger. I agree with Sheri Ann that you should support her decision. Sharon

GRACIE

Betty Boop Protected by Angels Sign

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 9:54am
Hello, I'm not a medical person but I think your Mom needs to see a Dr. and find out for sure if she has a disorder. The first thing is that you do not have to make an excuse for your Mom, if your sister is able to except it, that is all that matters. Anxiety can come in alot of forms. I have in the past missed some very important things because of the anxiety. You really have to be in the persons shoes to understand it. Its not fun, by no means.Encourage her to see a Dr. though.Debbie