Social Anxiety Disorder

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Social Anxiety Disorder
9
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 10:26am

Hi. My name is Karen. I am new this board, although I have posted on many other boards on IVILLAGE. I am a 44 year-old mother of a DD(16) and a DS(12). I was divorced from my children’s father in Jan of 2004 (separated in June of 2003). My ex-husband cheated on me numerous times in our 15 year marriage. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and I was terribly neglected by him. I stayed with him for many reasons, but the main ones were financial and fear of being a single mother-alone. He was the only man I had ever been with. I met him when I was 25. I finally had enough when I learned of 2 of his affairs in the same week (1 that he had ended and 1 he was still involved in). I knew he was not setting a good example for my children.

During my marriage, and after, I was incredibly lonely. My ex-husband never took me anywhere. He told me he didn’t want to be seen in public with me. It hurt, a lot, but I kept pressing on. After the divorce I forced myself to try on-line dating because I knew I would never meet anyone any other way. All I did was work full-time and take care of my children. I have no family who lives near me and no friends (other than 1 woman at work). It was very hard for me to talk about myself, but hiding behind the computer made it a lot easier. I made a few mistakes while dating (losers). Just when I was about to give up I met a wonderful man. We dated for about 10 months and were married last July. He has 3 daughters (15, 6 & 4). He totally gets me and is incredibly supportive.

Okay, now for why I am posting on this board. Yesterday, I was doing some research on ODD (which I think my son has) and I came across Social Anxiety Disorder. I am convinced I have it. I have EVERY single one of the symptoms. I cried. I have felt like such a FREAK my whole life. I talked with my husband about it last night and he agrees. He knows I am extremely shy, but he always attributed much of my other behavior to the way my ex-husband treated me.

Thanks for listening.

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 12:12pm

Welcome Karen & thank-you for sharing that very personal part of your life with us.

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 12:30pm

Thanks. I did have some counseling after my divorce because I felt I would never be able to trust another man. My ex-husband did so much damage to me. I loved him unconditionally-through affairs, DUI's, obsession with his job, treatment of me...etc. The way I am has held me back so much in life. I have a BS in accounting. My ex-husband never went to college. I taught him everything I knew about business, he became very successful. Where am I??? I have worked for the same company for 22 years. I am extremely underpaid and underutilized. Why??? Because I am too afraid to speak up and too afraid to start all over again with a new company.

I am not on any medications and I am not sure I want to be. I think for me it is a little too late in my life to change.

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 4:02pm

(((Karen))) It is never too late to make changes :)

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 12:11am

You are not alone!!! I am soo sorry to hear about how awful your ex was to you. I am glad that you found someone else who sounds much nicer! I found out that I had the disorder almost the same you did. I have always been "shy" my whole entire life. Excrutiating shy. I have always hated that about myself! I got married about 6 months ago. During this time I was panicking terribly about being up in front of all of those people not the marriage itself. It was to the point I started having panic attacks. I knew at that point that I had a problem. No matter how hard everyone kept telling me that I would be fine,etc. I couldn't tell myself that. I went to the doctor and basically was sloughed off like I had the pre-wedding jitters. I knew was not the case. The doctor prescribed me lexapro and xanax. I am still taking these meds. They have helped.

I am enrolled in a college health course and had to do a research paper on a mental health illness. I chose social anxiety disorder. It was jaw dropping! I had every single symptom as well. I was upset when I knew that this is what I had but honestly I was somewhat relieved b/c I finally knew what had been "wrong" with me for so many years.

I have an appt. with a psychatrist who can hopefully enlighten me even more with all of this and maybe change my meds if she needs too. I purchased a few great books that has really helped me to understand the disorder. Also it has different exercises in it that really do help. Here are the names and authors of the books (I got these on amazon):

1. 10 Simple Solutions To Shyness by: Martin M. Antony, P.H.D.
2. Living Fully with Shyness and Social Anxiety by: Erika B. Hillard MSW, RSW
3. Painfully Shy by: Barbara G. Markway, P.H.D and Gregory P. Markway, P.H.D

I sure hope this helps you! Please keep me posted! Lots of hugs, mlb21

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 10:34am

Thanks. How does your husband feel about this? Does he understand it is more the just shyness? I think the hardest thing is that no matter how much I wanted to change I just couldn't. The older I got, the worse it got. I think I have let it define who I am and if I were any other way I would feel fake. Sometimes I feel trapped by it, hating myself. I think technology too has played a big part in holding me back. There is no way I would ever have approached anyone about this if say, for example, I had to call someone instead of posting anonymously on this board. I would still be alone if I had not met my husband on-line. If given the choice, I will always send someone an e-mail instead of calling them.

Does this make any sense?

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 11:00am

Karen, I feel the same way.

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 11:51am

That makes TOTAL sense to me!!! My husbands does understand that my issues are more than just shyness and he has been great with me on that. However, when we first started dating I wouldn't eat in front of him. He would take me out for dinner and I would just sit there and not eat-watching him eat. This was hard for him to understand and me as well. AT that time I did know that I had social anxiety. It was very frusterating for me as well b/c I didn't know what I was so fearful about. We almost broke up because of it. There have been situtations before where he has noticed things and called me out on them in a nice way. I think he too has known that I have had a problem for quite some time. It wasn't until I found out what that problem was that it clicked for him too. It just all made sense.

I too have let it define who I am also. I have ehard so many times from people "aw you are so sweet" just b/c I am "quiet" when in reality yes I think I am a sweet person but they are saying that b/c I am so timid. I hate that about myself. I went to a friends home interiors party a while back and felt so nervous the whole entire time I was there. It was awful. I left the party and bawled my eyes out. It really bothers me the way that I am.

Honestly now that I know that this is what I have and have been taking meds for it-it truely has made me feel better. When I start feeling timid or nervous it almost calms me b/c I fina;;y know why it is that I feel that way. Before I couldn't understand how I felt. I hated the way that I was. I still do hate the fact that I have this obviously but it has let me understand it I guess you could say.

You ARE NOT too old to start trying to turn your life around from this. YOu may need some more time to let it sink in but I really believe that you CAN start to feel better with some help. I am proof of that. I am begging you to not let yourself feel this way another second! You have gone on feeling this way for too long and it is time to start over.

From your post I read earlier you said that you had an abusive husband before you met your wonderful husband now. No you can't write your past off but you can try to turn things around a different way. YOu met a wonderful man and have turned things around that way and now you can try to turn things around the other way. No it won't be easy and it is an emotional process but I truely believe that you can do this. I hope that this helps you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 1:52pm

I have talked with my husband a lot about this over the past few days. I think some things have “clicked” with him. He always used to tell me I was a “Minnie Mouse” because of how I am. He never understood why I couldn’t pick up the phone and just call someone (even family). If we are having pizza, subs or Chinese food for supper I always make my son or daughter call it in. Then, my husband would run in and pick up the order. He said he never understood that because he knows I am not lazy at all.

Sunday my sister threw a 70th birthday party for my dad. I don’t see my family all that much as we live about 3 hours away in a different state. It was nice to see my sisters and brother plus all their children. However, I was a little anxious because my cousins, aunts and uncles that I never see were there.

It is really nice to have someone who supports me and doesn’t try to change me. I don’t think my ex ever really understood me or even cared for that matter. I was all about him.

I know I should take the next step and call the doctor. I just not sure if I am ready to take that step.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 10:44am
If you are not ready to the call the dr. that's fine and dfiently understanable. Take baby steps with this. You need to let this all sink in. In the mean time I would try to read on eof those books that I reccommended. You canpurchase them on amazon which is where I got mine or check them out from the library. They are very informative and helpful. Just try to take one day at a time. I am here for you if you need support or just to talk. You will work through this I promise.