totally loosing it

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
totally loosing it
5
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 7:08pm

Ok, I am loosing my mind. I can't stop the ruminations. I am totally obsessed about a friend of mine. I am convising myself she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I feel like I am annoying her to no end, and that she is backing off. We are very close, but I feel such a disconnect. She has a lot going on in her life, and the way she deals with stuff is to hold everything in. She hasn't called me for plans, and our kids used to play a lot.

I feel so alone, and I don't know what to do. I truly feel like nobody loves me and that I have no where to turn. Everyone is so sick of my bs, and nobody wants to hear it anymore. I am so sick of myself.

I tried to confront her with it, and told her how I felt, and she just told me that she has a lot going on, and our schedules are different since school has been out. As far as I am concerned, that shouldn't be an issue. To me, if you are super close, you should always make an effort, even though schedules have changed.

I don't know, I just want it all to stop. The anxiety, the ruminating, the panic. I know I blow most of this up in my head, and that most of it is not real. I don't know what triggers it, but i feel like I have no friends. I am afraid of everyone, and I am so afraid to make a wrong move. It is a terrible way to live.

I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to when I get like this, and when I do, I end up pushing them away. When they learn the true me, they don't like me. When will I learn to keep my mouth shut.

thanks for listening.

JD

Avatar for dustydavissss
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jlvst
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 11:50pm
I don't think there is a person that posts here that has not felt the way you do, at one time or another and to a greater or lessor degree. One of the hardest things for anxiety folks is "change" because familiar routine is so comforting. And even further when change does occur we immediately feel like it's all our fault. It's clear that you are upset, it's clear that you feel close to this person, but yet disconnected and it feels like you are looking for an explaination that may really be as simple as your friend says; your schedules are not meshing, for the time being. This is not an all or nothing thing; friendship has it's ups and downs, just like any relationship. We all have lives and sometimes those lives do create changes that do affect others, but it's all part of living. And that's what you are supposed to be doing; living your life. Do what is, I know, very obvious to you; get busy and live and include your friend when you can and want to. I'm confident that this will all work out, but try very hard not to force things. That only upsets you and when something does not work out like you want it to it's depressing and upsetting. Plus, as you pointed out, you and others are sick of your BS. There is nothing wrong with you that you can't fix, if anything really needs fixing. Hopefully by the time you read this you've decided to have a picnic with your kids, do something nice for yourself and that you feel better about your friend. Things are going to be just fine!!!
Blessings,
Suz

Blessings,

Suz

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
In reply to: jlvst
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 11:48am

(((Jolie))) We are here for you, so vent away.

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: jlvst
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 2:37pm
Thanks. I wish I were feeling better. I feel like my "issues" have really put her off. I don't know, I just think I am way to high maitenence (sp) for her. I am too needy, and she just has nothing to give right now. I am so sick of myself. I feel like I have no friends, and when I do find a good one, I ruin it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2006
In reply to: jlvst
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 6:44am

Hi JD -

You're not losing it. You're transitioning. We're learning the hard way to be our own best friend. It's probably one of the most single scariest thing we ever have to face, next to losing someone to death. It's almost like a grieving process. I too am going through losing a friendship that I so cherish. Because of my illnesses I have burdened people that I love for so long that they are burnt out by my stuff. I respect their lives and wish nothing but the best for everyone. I'm sure they know that. But, my focus has been for so long on myself that I have not been able to be a good friend. I'm trying to teach myself to be that good listener I once was and get out of being stuck. It is incredibly sad to me that I have wronged anyone. I never intended to do that. But I did.
Time does heal. And unfortunately we do lose friends when we go through such heart-wrenching ordeals. We're not the same people - we are but we aren't. For our own sake we can't go back to where we once were. Unfortunately, where we once were didn't get us to a totally good place for our lives. So now we must be our own best friend and be thankful for those around us that have been able to stick with us.
I'm new to these message boards and have already (in one day) found great appreciation in hearing the trials and tribulations of others. I wish I had taken this step a long time ago. Maybe my progress would be that much further. But at the end of the day our paths lead us.
I wish good things for you. Let yourself heal so that way when you get together with the people you care about, they will truly have you present. We're not able to be "present" right now with our friends. We're not able to take on their issues. It's hard to say but this may be a blessing for us in a very weird disguise. Love the many good times you've had and know that there will be more. There will be. Remember that those around you do love you. It's hard for them to see you going through what you are. You are a good person and will get better.
Cheers, Tanya

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: jlvst
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 8:57am
thank you! I loved your message to me. Very inspirational.