Anger Management

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
Anger Management
3
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 6:17am

Hello everyone! Im new on this board and thought i might get some help from here. Im 28 year old and have been married for the last 3 and a half years. 4 months back i moved out of my husbands house due to marital issues and since than have been living with my widow mother. My problem is that due to terrible married life im unable to forget and forgive my husband for what he has done to me in the past 3 years. He cheated on me, he disrespected me in front of his friends and family, his family is his top priority, he listened to every word his mother said (who disliked me from the very beginning). I feel i never got the opportunity to feel like a wife. He was never satisfied with me in any case. I believe he couldnt accept that he was no longer a bachelor, he kinda couldnt take up his responsiblity as a husband. He was also very much pampered by his mom, due to which he never wanted to earn his living and we always had financial issues as well. Although he is willing to get back and resolve our issues.....he has also started working full time but im still not ready for it. I constantly believe he will not change, but i still have given him a chance till december to prove himself.
But meanwhile im unable to control my temper, for instance whenever i speak to him we fight and i abuse him with the worlds most horrendous words and still he mangages to keep his cool. Later i feel sad abt it and i even cry. I know this is not a sober way to deal with your husband......but still my anger is taking me no where. My anger and depression has changed my attitude towards life......ive become a pessimist....i always think negatively.....my appetite has changed, my skin has become bad......my hair has started to gray.....i dont look good anymore and i feel more depressed. I really want to do something abt it.....my therapist has given me xanax to relax but i dont want to depend upon medications....i want to improve my condition myself. I hope i might get some good advise from here.

thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 9:39am

Hello Mag,
And welcome I am glad you found our board, I am lynn and I was once told by a very wise lady that meds are tools to helps us, we all no haow you feel about taking meds but we also know that it helps us and that is what counts. I'm sorry I couldn't give you anymore advice on your marrage I am not the person who could give good advice on that, but there are graet ladies here that can, Don't be a stranger and come back and ask or vent as much as you like ok. You have takeen the first step in heloing yourself and that takes courage be poor of yourself that you did something to help yourself. Take care and post agin we would love to here from you.

((((Big Big hugs))) lynn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 5:44pm

Hi magentagirl & welcome to our board :)

Sheri Ann

Avatar for dustydavissss
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 11:49am
hello magentagirl! I was married 40 years before my dh passed away. (Sounds like a very long time does it not?) We had our troubles, we made decisions to adjust to each other's difficulties, but never once did my dh disrespect me. My MIL was not fond of me because I "dumped" my husband when I was about 19 and I don't think she ever forgave me for that; and plus she had this "my perfect son" thing going on. But again she did not publically show me any disrespect. (We were both only children, so you can imagine how willful we both could be, at times.) We did have many good years together and raised two interesting children, who are now productive, good adults. My daughter was married for the first time for 2 1/2 years and she was the one that left and got the divorce. There were no children so it made the split less complicated. I don't know the details, but I do know that my daughter set boundaries and that her husband did not honor those boundaries (significant, imperative boundaries for a sound relationship)so she did what she had to do to take care of herself. It may sound strange to you, but I've always been proud of her for taking care of herself and when she called and told me she was leaving her husband, I told her that I was proud of her. I would support her and that whatever she wanted to do I would help her find a way to get it done. (She was in OK at the time and got her divorce there.) You have the right to set your own personal boundaries, you have rights in a relationship that are to be honored by your partner and if this is not happening then you have a right to take care of yourself. Maybe it's possible that neither of you are happy with this relationship so maybe this is the result. Think about what it is you have control over; not your husband, not his family, not your family, just yourself. You have earned the right to be happy, but maybe you don't know exactly how to get that way, on your own terms. There is "truth" here somewhere in this problem and you are the one that can discover it. Who makes you happy?? YOU. I don't envy you your decisions right now, but this is not a race. You can take your time. You are not alone; you have friends, family, etc. But maybe it's time that you found out about yourself, on your own and rather than be angry because what you don't control is not working, find a life which you like, which you do control. This does not mean that you have to divorce, but it's fair that you have a life before making decisions to include a partner. This partner stuff is hard work and knowing a few things about yourself is very helpful. I'm a widow after 40 years; can you imagine how I'm struggling with finding a new life? You can do it!!!
Blessings,
Suz

Blessings,

Suz