The anxiety is overwhelming...
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| Wed, 06-28-2006 - 12:17am |
Hi again...I'm sorry to just pop in like this, but I'm just not sure what to do. The issues are still pretty much the same (though now I'm down to the wire almost for studying for this licensing exam, but I can't seem to focus).
This was brought on by starting today for just a few hours at a time to shadow this great, kind doctor who has agreed to help me get practice with patients (and knows that I'm nervous about it...though maybe not quite the extent!). And tomorrow I'm supposed to do some of the exams myself with him watching...much more anxiety-provoking...
But I'm always very on edge whenever I even have to see people, in most contexts...and this is just that times ten. I feel like I can't breathe, my chest hurts, stomach has pain so badly I can't sit up quite straight, my migraines seem to be starting up again after a little break from them...lots of other symptoms, all anxiety, I know...
It's to the point that I can hardly eat at all...I've lost a lot of weight and had some digestive symptoms, so my doctor thought it might even be a serious digestive problem, but all my blood work was fine, so I'm thinking it's probably anxiety again. But now my weight is pretty much dangerously low, and I'm just getting down mostly meal shakes some days.
I have an appointment with my general doctor scheduled tomorrow, but I realize I've become "that" patient...the whiny, depressed one with physical complaints that turn out to be nothing. So I don't want to do that anymore...but I am kind of at the end of my rope with the anxiety. I've mentioned it to my psychiatrist in the past (I don't like her, but my options are limited), and she says I've just got to get in there and face my fears...which I know is true in a way, but it's hard to do when I can barely breathe!
Thanks for listening...I appreciate any thoughts or ideas...
Rose
Edit (after taking an Ambien and calming down some!): Oh, I was reading the article on this site on social anxiety, and they recommended SSRI's and possibly therapy for help. I'm on SSRI's, though (I'm also on wellbutrin, which I wonder if it could make me more nervous), and I've had therapy (and currently do see a therapist too), so that's what has me feeling hopeless.
The one respite I get is at night, when I take Ambien for sleep...but I am worried I've begun to mis-use it a little. Though it's not supposed to be for anxiety, it helps immensely with it, and I just take a little and then stay up hours (too late!), partly because I feel better and can finally focus again (odd, considering that it's supposed to put you to sleep, lol!). I did tell my psychiatrist, and she said it was OK to do if it works.
And I take advantage of the relaxation and Ambien's possible tendency to cause people to over-eat (?) to finally get some food in my stomach when I can...any actual meals I eat are probably past midnight!
But it does also make me fuzzy-headed, much too much obviously for me to drive or do any of my daily activities, so I know I can't take it earlier in the day. But my anxiety has gotten so bad at night that I've been having to take more and more of it just to feel any relief, and still I've had several nights of being completely unable to fall asleep all night, even after taking a regular dose of the med.
I'm embarrassed by this, and scared to tell my doctor that, since I feel like I'll get labeled as some kind of drug addict...and plus, when I'm using it right, Ambien is the only thing that's really helped to get me to sleep without making me drowsy the next day. And it's the only relief I get...so I do feel a bit like a druggie since I don't know what I'd do if I had to spend all night plus all day on panic-mode...ugh...I'm ashamed of myself, though.
Whoops, there goes the idea of keeping my post short...sorry!
Edited 6/28/2006 1:42 am ET by rosa444

Rosa, I think it's so important to tell your doc what you just told us.
Sheri Ann
We're always glad to hear from you, Rose. I know you probably don't realize it, but each time you post, it's an inspiration to others that you are still in med school & continuing your goal of becoming a dr. You are not giving up. I think being with this dr. will prove very helpful to your anxiety. When examining patients becomes second nature, there won't be any reason to be anxious.
ITA with Sheri Ann. Be upfront & honest with your dr. Having eating issues of my own, I understand what it's like to push the food down. Try to celebrate each shake that you ingest. Be kind to yourself. Good luck & GBU! (((hugs))) jan
Thanks, Sheri Ann...you're right, if the roles were reversed and I was the doctor, I'd want to know these kinds of things. For some reason, it's always been very hard for me to apply what I've learned in school to my own personal health situations!
I'm just now beginning to see what I "must" have looked like over the years to my doctors (at least some of them), with all my many, very minor physical complaints and constant depression with not even the energy or much motivation to change. So when I went to see my general doc this morning, I tried to cut it short-- I really felt stupid about even making the appointment for a very minor injury I got a little while ago anyway.
Not that the doc made me feel that way...she's been so patient and understanding with me, and she's just an all-around good doctor. Though she's not a psychiatrist, she always asks about how things are going, etc...so I did tell her about my level of anxiety, how it was preventing me from eating much or sleeping well...
And her response was to ask if I was sure I wanted to put myself through "all this" (med school), that all the anxiety is clearly having an impact on my physical health too. I said, "but I can't just quit because I'm nervous, right?"...and she said, "why not?".
Yikes...anyway, she wants me to discuss all psych meds with my psychiatrist...she's said in the past that my situation (and medications) are too complicated otherwise. But I just had an appointment with my pdoc a few days ago, and my next one's not til August. And unfortunately at the last pdoc appointment, I told her about the anxiety some (but it hadn't kicked into high gear quite yet then)...and she said she didn't think I needed any changes in my meds. Hmmmm...
I've actually been on Lexapro before (Celexa too)...for several years in college, in combination with Effexor. Those two both made me sooo sleepy I started to think I had some sleep disorder...unfortunately I seem to be way too sensitive to that one side effect! Pretty much every med out there for depression or anxiety, I've tried it at one point or another...
Sorry, I know I'm just one ray of sunshine after the other, lol! I have to go to try to get some sleep. This is probably my 3rd day in a row of hardly being able to sleep at night at all, but being exhausted and sleepy all day of course. I do need to figure out *something* to fix this...a little while ago, I took even more Ambien than I'm supposed to (and then the thoughts ran through my mind like, maybe I can try replacing it with alcohol-- even though I know that doesn't work and is a horrible idea).
But my pdoc comes across to me as condescending sometimes (ok, often)...and I feel like telling her this will put me even lower in the group of people she looks down on. I never planned on "using drugs"...and if that's what this is, guess I just have to stop.
Sorry for this upcoming paragraph: but...it's just that the anxiety has gotten so bad lately that I feel like it's all just too much, for my mind and my body both. If I can't find some way of controlling it, I feel like maybe my life is not worth it.
I've already been trying to sell some of my old books, clean out all my junk...not consciously, always, but sometimes with the thought that if I'm not around for whatever reason, there will be a lot more hassle left for others to deal with.
OK, the Ambien/benadryl/advil/regular meds coctail I took a little while ago is probably kicking in about now...sorry for any "off" typing.
Thanks again,
Rose
(((Rose))) I honestly think you need to call your pdoc & talk to her either over the phone, or make an appointment.
Sheri Ann
I am hoping I can give you a little inout on a few things.. Approx 2 1/2 years ago I started to loose ALOT of weight! People in my family would say Kriss you look good and you do not need to loose more and it would freak me out because I wasnt loosing the weight on purpose. I would say for about nine months I was loosing and got down to about 118 pounds I am 5'5 and a size 2. Mind you at one point I was 210 pounds so thats a pretty big deal! I was so so obsessed and scared to death thinking I had cancer or something.. Anyway, I was taking Wellbuterin and if you dont know this already Wellbuterin can cause weight loss BIG TIME!! It even states in the package that anyone with an eating disorder shouldnt take it. So that could be 1 cause. Another is your anxiety and worries! I swear thats why I continued to loose weight.. When I started to calm down and didnt focus on the weight loss I ghained a little weight back and 2 1/2 years later I am still here with no diseases!! I also take Ambien in the evening. I am surprised it calms you though.. I have to take it and close my eyes right away or if I stay awake it does the opposite and Ill be strung out all night on it.. I take Xanax when needed. Maybe you can talk to your general doctor about switching or adding new meds.. If somehting way severly wrong with you it would have shown up in your blood work.. I know its easier said then done I have a long way to go but just try not to focus on it as much. Good luck and keep us updated!~Kriss~
gives you your medications. Keep track of what you take and how
you feel and sleep etc!! There is some reason these meds are
working for you---- and NOT! HE can help you with this!
There are many medications that will help you fight this anxiety
better!!!
DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOUR CAREER!! THAT WAS RUDE to tell you to
give it up if it causes anxiety--- of course it is going to,
but if it is out of control then get something to help!!
I was a teacher and had to give presentations from time to time
and I thought I would lose it until the xanax!!!
DO not feel bad about ASKING FOR HELP! THAT IS WHAT DOCS ARE FOR!!
IT is not whining it is the truth!!! CALL YOUR DOCTOR!! HUGS!! Judy
Thank you all so much...because of what you said, I did put a call in to my doctor on Friday, and surprisingly she returned my call today though it's the weekend. She recommended calling to move my next appointment up...but in the meantime, did write me two prescriptions, one for Klonopin and one for something to take at night to help more with sleep.
The funny thing is, when I mentioned how much trouble I'd been having, she said at first that she could give me something, but that I'd said in the past how I was very hesitant to take anything like Klonopin for anxiety...which is true, though I'd pretty much forgotten about that and thought that she had too! I still have the same worry, that it would become habit-forming for me and I would end up over-using it...but considering how things have been going lately, I'm more than willing to try anything, at least short-term.
So I will come back and respond to some more posts (sorry...I have been a mess of daytime sleepiness and very achy joints plus trying in vain to study for my boards), but I just wanted to thank you for the support and advice. Just knowing that I have something to take if my anxiety gets out of hand is comforting, even if I don't end up taking it much!
Rosa, I am sooo happy you made that phone call!
Sheri Ann