Interfering mother

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2000
Interfering mother
3
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 11:37am

Hi all. I just had to complain about my mother here just to let it out. I'm 33 y.o., and my dh is 36, yet my mother, when she gets the chance, treats me like I'm 10. I had no choice but to come back here 3 years ago when I got out of the Navy. I tried to do a job that I did when i got out of the Navy, but unfortunately that didn't work out, so now that my baby's 1.5 month old, we really have to rely upon my parents for cooking/babysitting.

Well, my dh, dd, who's 1.5 months old, and I had a picture sitting for our church directory. Mind you, my mother and father arranged it, and I told my mother that we would like to be in a separate photograph from them, but my mom keeps on insisting that she wants me, Lily (dd), and my dh in the picture with them. Well, we went to the photo studio today at the church, and here comes my mother with her own diaper bag. My dd was crying, and I was trying to get her formula from my diaper bag, and my mother says, "Oh, I have some!" I said, "No, I'll take care of it!" Then, my dd keeps on crying despite the fact that I nursed her shortly before, and my mother keeps on insisting to hold her. BTW, she's not supposed to be in the photo w/me and my dd, and dh, she arranged their photo shoot shortly before. Then, after our photo shoot, my mother again asks if Lily can be in the shot with her. I told her, "No." Then, she makes this face. My dh is trying to get us to leave, because my mother was irritating him. Finally, we left.

Sorry I just had to vent! Before I got engaged, I was trying to ignore my parents, but ever since my professional problems I had to come back. Plus, my parents are giving my dh and I a discount on one of their houses, which we couldn't refuse considering we don't have enough money for a decent house.

Sorry..just had to vent again!

Yaddiya

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 3:58pm

I can relate to some of what you're experiencing, Yaddiya. My parents have always been a little controlling. When it comes to their grandchildren, they are the experts. Sadly, their views differ from mine & also, differ from what I remember as the rules when I was a kid. Just a fact of life maybe. I learned long ago to break away & become independent of them.


You asked, so I am giving you my honest opinion. Though you won't like it. You have taken the offer of discounted housing from your parents. In spite of the fact, that plenty of young couples *make do* by living within their means & living in housing that might not be so nice. Then you say you have to depend on your parents for cooking & babysitting. I would imagine this is for free. IMHO, you can't have it both ways. You don't give your parents charge over these major areas of your life, then tell them *no* when they ask to have the baby in their photo. If you don't want an interfering mother, then don't put your mom in charge of your responsibilities.


My mom was always carrying moist towlettes or baggies filled with wet washcloths

 

 


 



Avatar for dustydavissss
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 6:50pm
Hi yaddiya! It's good that you decided to talk about your mom because the mother/daughter relationship is often complicated. I'm a mom, with two grown children and each, in their own way, have entwined their lives with mine. I'm very blessed in that I had the common sense to know when to let go, what favors to bestow, keep my expectations of my "power" in their lives and have a life of my own. I have two grandboys, don't agree with the "time out" process, but they are not my children. I've already done a pretty decent job raising a girl and a boy and I'm not about to start again. However, I do not care for the grandboys, parent-like, during the day so I can stay a bit disconnected. I feel like there are two dynamics going on here; you wanting/needing/taking your mom's assistance and your mom having to assume a somewhat parent-like role, not only with your baby, but with you. It's often the price that you pay for taking "gifts" especially with a parent that is not "letting go" of you. Jan and I think so much alike (we made good co-cl's once upon a time)and I agree that it's not possible to have it both ways. I have no doubt that you have a lot going for you and that you've hit a streak of "unfortunate" and need assistance. Relax a bit, look to yourself for your feelings because it is you that is making them. Mom will not change, but you can. Pick your times carefully to assert your independence and always make sure that you are talking things over with your dh. He is impacted too and it's important that as a couple you discuss where to draw the line and how to reach your goal of being more independant of your mom's "gifts". You have many years of happiness and challenge ahead of you, so hang in there until things change; and they always do. I'm sure you love your mom for what she is willing to do for you.

Blessings,

Suz

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 12:46pm

Hi Yaddiya, I can totally relate.

Sheri Ann