Well, I did it
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Well, I did it
| Sun, 07-23-2006 - 10:41pm |
Well, I went to church today. I've been putting it off for years now because it would trigger an anxiety attack. See, I have done some things in the past that I can't seem to get over and I've always felt unworthy of being in church. I used to love church! Today I went with my family and it was wonderful. I didn't have any anxiety at all. In fact, the pastor spoke of how we are cleansed by God of our past sins. I've always known that, I just couldn't apply it. We went to lunch afterwards and came home for a nap. I woke up anxious (as I always wake up that way since the past 8 weeks). I just don't know how to let go of the guilt. I've been to counseling for it and thought I had it beat. This is the source of my anxiety and depression. GUILT.. Any suggestions???

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Hi everyone-
Thanks for responding to me when I inadvertantly took over Candace post! Candace, Im glad you upped your meds and I really hope it helps you. Anxiety every day is the pits. I too may go from 10 to 20 mgs of Lexapro next visit. I was on such a high now Im teetering with panic and I had terrible nightmares about my dad last night from my post.
You all are right, but my dad was a sick man. He Didnt leave the house for 15 years, I brought food for him and really helped him survive. As an adult, I see he suffered from Panic, anxiety and agrophobia and I understand why my sister and I have it too. He lost everything (house) to the state because he didnt have insurance and my siblings have hatred for him for that. He told me verbally he would rather be dead then even go to the hospital (it would mean leaving the house) I always feel I could have told them (paramedics)he had a DNR and would they have stopped trying to revive him. I also think I should have waited maybe 5 more minutes before calling 911...Sounds callous, huh. I had to sell his house (power of attorney) and I found his living conditions were that of an animal. A very sick man.
Ok...ready for this...The hospital called me to say he needed his life support machine overhauled, new batteries and I needed to give permission. I talked to my siblings and we decided to leave it alone and what will be will be. The social worker agreeed, she actually questioned why I would have it recharged if I had a DNR on his chart. So...as each day goes by, I wonder if this will be the day he is finaly free. Or maybe Ill be free..???
Uggh. I need help-theraputic help with this. I never know where to start with this story when they say "why are you here". How do I even start.
Im looking forwaed to chat, its obviously been a bad day for me. Talk to you all later.
Many many hugs and well wishes-
Donna
(((Donna))) The paramedics wouldn't have let him go.
Sheri Ann
Hi Sheri Ann. Boy am I in tears, e-mails never show the emotion we feel. I want to believe thats what he would want from me. I have lived with the idea something bad will happen to me since 1999. I NEVER talk about this part of my life, its Candace's post on guilt that made me speak up and I kept on speaking.....You also made me feel some relief by saying that a verbal DNR would not have stopped them. I often wondered if I just spoke up....I had nothing in writing.
Yes, the agrophobia took over his life. First the alcoholism, then the agrophobia. I have seen what it can do and I have great empathy for anyone suffering from this crippling disease. DOnt forget, he NEVER sought help, he broke his hand and wrapped it up himself for fear of leaving the house. All he needed was the will to get better. He could have been saved just as each and everyone of is doing, helping ourselves.
Anyway-Shri Ann, how are you doing lately? Did you make it to the corner yet? I think last time you were saying you wanted to go across the street or to the corner and you accomplished one. Let me know how you and everyone is doing.
Donna
I thought of another idea to help you to get through this.
Sheri Ann
Donna
(((Donna)))
Sheri Ann
In spite of the fact that this is painful to you, Donna, I am glad that you opened up & discussed these issues. We will hold you to getting into therapy & NOT buying a bottle. Please keep in touch & we'll keep an eye on you;) You're very vulnerable @ this time, so I am posting the links to the 12 Step board & alcohol problems. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhivh12step
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhalcohol
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