Well, I did it

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
Well, I did it
18
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 10:41pm
Well, I went to church today. I've been putting it off for years now because it would trigger an anxiety attack. See, I have done some things in the past that I can't seem to get over and I've always felt unworthy of being in church. I used to love church! Today I went with my family and it was wonderful. I didn't have any anxiety at all. In fact, the pastor spoke of how we are cleansed by God of our past sins. I've always known that, I just couldn't apply it. We went to lunch afterwards and came home for a nap. I woke up anxious (as I always wake up that way since the past 8 weeks). I just don't know how to let go of the guilt. I've been to counseling for it and thought I had it beat. This is the source of my anxiety and depression. GUILT.. Any suggestions???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 2:29pm
All these posts have made me start to cry. I also feel so unworthy of God's love and forgiveness, but it was His choice to give it to us; it had nothing to do with anything we did. Remember that Jesus was drawn to the people who were poor and hurting, etc. Don't ever feel unworthy of church. My pastor said last Sunday that church is supposed to be a hospital for the sick, not a country club.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2004
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 3:34pm

Hi everyone-
Thanks for responding to me when I inadvertantly took over Candace post! Candace, Im glad you upped your meds and I really hope it helps you. Anxiety every day is the pits. I too may go from 10 to 20 mgs of Lexapro next visit. I was on such a high now Im teetering with panic and I had terrible nightmares about my dad last night from my post.

You all are right, but my dad was a sick man. He Didnt leave the house for 15 years, I brought food for him and really helped him survive. As an adult, I see he suffered from Panic, anxiety and agrophobia and I understand why my sister and I have it too. He lost everything (house) to the state because he didnt have insurance and my siblings have hatred for him for that. He told me verbally he would rather be dead then even go to the hospital (it would mean leaving the house) I always feel I could have told them (paramedics)he had a DNR and would they have stopped trying to revive him. I also think I should have waited maybe 5 more minutes before calling 911...Sounds callous, huh. I had to sell his house (power of attorney) and I found his living conditions were that of an animal. A very sick man.

Ok...ready for this...The hospital called me to say he needed his life support machine overhauled, new batteries and I needed to give permission. I talked to my siblings and we decided to leave it alone and what will be will be. The social worker agreeed, she actually questioned why I would have it recharged if I had a DNR on his chart. So...as each day goes by, I wonder if this will be the day he is finaly free. Or maybe Ill be free..???
Uggh. I need help-theraputic help with this. I never know where to start with this story when they say "why are you here". How do I even start.
Im looking forwaed to chat, its obviously been a bad day for me. Talk to you all later.
Many many hugs and well wishes-
Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 12:36pm

(((Donna))) The paramedics wouldn't have let him go.

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2004
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 3:24pm

Hi Sheri Ann. Boy am I in tears, e-mails never show the emotion we feel. I want to believe thats what he would want from me. I have lived with the idea something bad will happen to me since 1999. I NEVER talk about this part of my life, its Candace's post on guilt that made me speak up and I kept on speaking.....You also made me feel some relief by saying that a verbal DNR would not have stopped them. I often wondered if I just spoke up....I had nothing in writing.

Yes, the agrophobia took over his life. First the alcoholism, then the agrophobia. I have seen what it can do and I have great empathy for anyone suffering from this crippling disease. DOnt forget, he NEVER sought help, he broke his hand and wrapped it up himself for fear of leaving the house. All he needed was the will to get better. He could have been saved just as each and everyone of is doing, helping ourselves.

Anyway-Shri Ann, how are you doing lately? Did you make it to the corner yet? I think last time you were saying you wanted to go across the street or to the corner and you accomplished one. Let me know how you and everyone is doing.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 9:45pm

I thought of another idea to help you to get through this.

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2004
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 10:27pm
Hi Sheri Ann, I have been so emotional since we started talking about this. You really are intuitive about these things and you saying they would have brought him back anyway gives me some relief. My father is in a home in NJ. I moved to Fl in 2000 to start a new life. I was married to an alcoholic and after I saw the extent of my fathers illness (1999) I left my husband and moved to Fl to start a new life. When I ask what good came out of all this, my mother says it gave me what I needed to leave my mentally abusive marriage. My father battled with alcohol and then serious mental issues, panic agoraphobia, paranoia. So, when I visit NJ I try to go see him but it puts me in a very bad mental state, almost suicidal. I will seek treatment, the nightmares are back since these posts started and in the past I have turned to alcohol which I am fighting daily now. (not shocking) I have NOT purchased any alcohol, thats a promise but I thought about it today. I wish my DH was here, I need someone now and I feel so alone. My mom is in NJ and I believe she is going to see him tomorrow but it upsets her as well even after 20 years of divorce. I need and I will get therapy. Maybe its a Post Tramatic Stress thing I have thought. Anyway-your great for spending so much time on me. Please do me a favor and periodically ask me if I found and went to a therapist. I need a kick in the ass because I just dont know where to begin. I may write it all down and hand it to him/her. Seriously, I may let them read why Im there. Its less stressful.
Donna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 10:17am

(((Donna)))

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 11:02am

In spite of the fact that this is painful to you, Donna, I am glad that you opened up & discussed these issues. We will hold you to getting into therapy & NOT buying a bottle. Please keep in touch & we'll keep an eye on you;) You're very vulnerable @ this time, so I am posting the links to the 12 Step board & alcohol problems. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhivh12step


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhalcohol

 

 


 



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