Social anxiety & dating- needing advice
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| Thu, 08-03-2006 - 10:37pm |
I never thought I would actually get the guts to post something, but here goes.
My biggest problems are social phobia, generalized anxiety and depression. All of these have lead to avoidant tendancies, and though I'm trying so hard to overcome all of this, I'm having difficulty and need to know if there are individuals out there who can empathize.
Social phobia is the biggest problem for me. I have tremendous difficulty speaking to new people (oftentimes), being alone in public, being in crowds, speaking out in class & such. Anxiety has been literally a life-controlling thing for me for years now, and because of it I was a part-time student in highschool in grade eleven and twelve, and dropped out for nearly half of grade twelve. I wound up graduating late as a result. Now, I'm not NEARLY as bad as I was, and in fact I made myself go back to school the September after my peers graduated so that I could get my last few required credits. I just made the decision to change things, and so I graduated in December '03 and began university the following January. I'm about to enter my third year.
Problems have to some extent resurfaced over this past academic year, and depression has been a huge issue. In fact, I had to see a psychologist starting in January '06 because since August '05 I had been in a depressive phase, which has essentially lasted ever since. It only lifts for a couple of days at a time. I'm not bipolar, I haven't had a manic phase what so ever, it's just constant depression with a few days of relief.
One of the things that has caused the most depression for me - dating issues. That's why I've decided to post tonight. I'm 20 currently, turning 21 in November, and due to my social problems I have had horrible luck in this aspect of my life. In fact, I've never been on a date, and all of my friends are entering relationships around me. I'm torn between feeling happy for them and, I have to admit, feeling some degree of jealousy. It's difficult to get my friends together to go anywhere- my circle is very small, consisting of six individuals. Two of which are male, and both are taken. When we get together, the group always just goes to somebody's house and we all watch movies. I've tried to suggest going out places, so that the single members have a chance at meeting someone, and I've even tried approaching just the single members. No one wants to try the club or bar scene, and I of course don't want to go alone.
There's a lot of fear when it comes to taking the initiative myself, too... I met someone last year who I really liked and who initially recriprocated BUT when I finally got the guts to ask him to coffee, he said he had a new girlfriend. He continued, though, to show interest until I got fed up and cut off ties with him. I felt like I was in junior highschool again, it was so immature. I still think about him though, even though this happened months ago. Anxiety is what kept me from approaching him until it was too late.
I've tried other things too - namely online dating. Most sites seem to really limit those of us who can't afford paid accounts.
I'm just curious- to those of you with social anxiety, did you have difficulty when it came to meeting people & dating? I feel like I am a pretty rare case since I'm 21 and still so single, and it's really depressing. I've always had very low self-esteem, and only in the past two years or so have I started to really develop any concept of my own self-worth. But the anxiety and depression just fuel each other and make coping in general so difficult. This just seems so hopeless, I oftentimes just can't shake the feeling that I'm just meant to be alone. I have great difficulty making friends, too.
Anyway, thank you for your time if you have read all of this. I really hope someone can relate here... Take care all! And I'm sorry if this should be in the depression forum, but both that and anxiety contribute equally to my problems and I believe that anxiety-related issues were what caused the depression to begin with.

I do know that therapy & medication can be successful in helping with anxiety disorders. I am glad you completed HS & are now in college. Congrats on facing those hurdles. Also, seeing the psychologist should help you to learn new coping skills. Below we have a folder *coping tips & tricks.* There's info on easing social jitters & other techniques that many of us use to find our balance when we're in frightening situations.
Make sure you check out iVillage's Ease Social Anxiety Action Plan. Self help does work. Just click on the link:
Thank you for the response. I've been trying to cope with both the anxiety and depression for about seven years now, and it's just getting really frustrating. It's hard to tell if there'll be a 'light at the end of the tunnel' with regards to symptoms. I'm trying so much but all I hear from people in my family is comments like "If you aren't where you want to be, it must because you don't want it enough. If you wanted it enough, you'd have fought to get over this to the extent that you'd already be functioning 'normally'." It's really nice to hear people who truly do empathize to some degree like on this forum.
That URL was helpful, thank you for posting it. I'm also a psychology major, and so I've studied a bit on anxiety, panic, phobias, depression and such already in school as well... that's been helpful, too. Text books only offer so much input, seeing as how they tend to be pretty distant on these topics. Again that's another reason why it's nice to find, for the first time, a forum with people who can actually relate in some ways.
Thanks again!