I'm ready to give up... (LONG)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
I'm ready to give up... (LONG)
2
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 4:20pm

(Scroll the very bottom for the simplistic version of my anxiety)

I'm pretty new to this board. Usualy I can be found in the relation ship boards, mainly as a lurker, sometimes coming forth with a thought or problem of my own. Anyway..

I'm 25 years old. I just married my fiance of 4 years whom is also father to our 3 year old daughter. Yeah, we went a little backwards, lol. I took my time in deciding on if and when I'd marry him for many reasons... I didn't care that we had a kid together, my mother was a single parent and I was sure if it came down to that, I could do just as well as she did with me. Let me try and sum up a quick background of him, of us...

I met my husband in an odd time in my life. I had just got over a strenuous relationship that didn't last very long. I was never in love with the guy but he really "got me good" by screwing up my credit and long story short, basicly con'd my step father and me both. A few months go by and I fall into a small pill addiction. I was already on anti depressants as well as anxiety pills as I used to have panic spells and what not. I don't anymore which is weird but hey, I'm not complaining. I abused my pills along with a few others with some people I thought were friends. This didn't last very long either as my mother, the greatest mom anyone could ask for, took it upon herself to be my "rehab center" In short, it wasn't long before I was off the pills entirely, my anti depressants included. A month after I was off, I met my now husband. At the time, he was living with his mother, as was I seeing as how I lost my way there after my ex. He was living with his mother to help her with her living expenses after a horrible wreck caused her unable to work for a good 6 months. He also had a 3 year old child at the time and was trying to pay child support along with supporting his mother in Houston, Texas, a place were a one bedroom apartment goes for at least 8-900 a month. And he, having had no schooling, wasn't working the best of jobs. He was already in the hole with his child support.

When I met him, I had no intention of making it anything permenant. He was cute, a nice guy, funny, and great in bed. We didn't watch ourselves a few times and our daughter was the product of that. Eventualy I fell in love with him, as he did me and he asked me to marry him. I said sure but not right now. SO we went on to llive together. His mom went back to work and he wanted us to have our own place but at this time, I found out i was to be bed ridden due to a hard pregnancy and wanted to be with my own mother so my mom and step dad let us move into their place during the pregnancy. He worked a job that started sending him up the "ladder" and was soon ready to take the controls as manager. But, the current manager that was training him to take her place was about to move away and start her own business with her husband so the current assistant manager was soon to be in charge. A hurricane hit. The store was out for a month and when he was called in to come help clean things up and ready it to open, he wasn't home to take the call as he was cleaning my parents farm of debris. That woman took it as an opportunity to fire him, saying he failed to come in when asked. The baby was born and we took what money we had andf moved into a small house for rent while he sought work at another store, starting from ground up there. Didn't last long that he couldn't support us and was only digging his hole deeper with child support. We decided to move up to kentucky into my father's house and keep watch over it as my father travels and is never there. My father promised work for him in his company, a good job that would bring us back up very well, and we moved with these promises, him being in the hole arond 2500 dollars worth of back child support.

it didn't work out that way, my father lied, whom i should have known seeing as how he is an alcoholic and has always made false promises to me. so, here we were with no money, a slow economy and he got a job at the local conveniant store. soon he went to work at a grocery store since they paid a dollar more. living in my dad's house was hell. my uncles kept just walking in to make sure we were "living up to dad's expectations". my grandmother would stop by and accuse us of selling porn off my dad's internet! as well as selling other odds and ins of his! they told my dad stories, and it didn't help that my dad hated my now husband. first of all, we we weren't married. secondly, we had an illigitemant child together, and third, he already had a child from a previous woman, they were never married, and his child support was late. they made life there hell, always starting fights, always making threats so we eventualy moved out to my aunts for a month and just in time to have the cash to get our own place once more. in the mean time, we fought between ourselves as well. and badly.

he and i have never been really physical with each other. we've shoved one another, called names, and made threats, but that's the extent of our abuse of one another. i probably should have left back then untill we sough counseling but i loved him, deeply so. and being a Christian woman, i fully believed he was the man God wanted me to be with and wanted us to work out our problems some how.

My husband lost the job he had while there and we couldn't afford to stay in the house we had any longer. back to my dad's we went since that was the only place we could go. and he found work at a video store. we saved for a year along with a friend and his girlfriend and got a huge townhome together. and still hubby and i fought badly. while there, he found a good job, or so we thought, with valvoline and began climbing "the ladder" once more. but it didn't last long as they changed management and he was bumpped back down to teh begging again. in the mean time, no one in the townhome got along. then, finaly, what we thought was a great break for us came along and my husband found work in a wireless internet company. the pay was almost to much to believe.

the end of our lease came up and we moved into our own apartment and have been here since january. no one was helping us, we were finaly doing it all on our own. and we seemed to be working out our problems very well. so, we set the wedding date. it was in june. it was such a beautiful day too! even though my dad made it a point to mock the whole occassion, that never fazed me. my pastor at my church married us, and we were going to continue to see him afterwards for marriage counseling becuase w still needed some help. then my mom gets into a bad car wreck back in texas. so i fly out to spend three weeks with her, helping her to reccoperate. then the worst happens.

that great job he had, he has a falling out with one of the bosses, whom was supposed to be a friend with his as well. you see, my husband was considered a third party contractor with these people. there are two men that own this small business. one was my husband's friend. one night they go out for a drink while i was gone. the man leaves my husband there at the club. eh justleaves him! and so my husband walks home. my husband doesn't do well alone when he drinks. we never drink because of this. for some reason, he becomes suicidal among other things. and he did call and tell me he was invited out and i told him to go for it. i wasn't there, our daughter wasn't there, and all he does when i'm home is work and work to help save money and keep us fed and housed. he never gets a chance to go out and do whatever and so i told him to go for it. bad mistake.

the company phone was broken that night. a friend hwom, another long story so i'll jsut edit it here, told me it was dropped and before they or my husband could reach it, was run over by a car. i immediatly reported it for my husband to his "bosses" seeing as how it was company equipment and all companies require an immediate report of equipement loss.
the next morning, he had words with his friend/boss abvout it, was accused of putting company equipment in danger and not reporting it immediatly and was stripped of the title he had and bumped down as someone they would call when they had no one else to call for work. since i too was friends with this man, i decided to talk to him myself, and this was the guy that left him at the club and knew my husbands history with alcohol. and yeah, i made it clea that my husband was a "big boy" and in charge of his own actions.. etc. etc.... didn't help. they removed both phone and vehicle and title and he became boxboy again.

so i return home, this is how it is and he is bringing in money and even though it's not like it was, it still suffices. then suddenly, one morning we get up and he get son the computer to IM the man about work that day and gets told off, called names, and yelled at because he claims he missed the meeting that morning. there was no scheduled meeting. etc. etc... my husbands now lost his job.

through all this really really wrong description of mine, i've left out alot. all the main stresses of having no money, wondering how we were going to feed our daughter and ourselves and where we were going to go... right now, we are about to be evicted from having not paid rent. we can't go back to my dad's because of this... my dad gave me 1500 to buy myself another car as we have been through 4 since being together and all 4 have broken down. i didn't want to take the money, i didn't ask for, i refused to ask my dad for anything in over 3 years but he insisted and i thought maybe this was his way of calling a truce with us. we have spent that money on living instead. my dad suspects though his reasons are simply because he doesn't trust me and never has. and i'll never know why as i've asked him and asked him and he just won't tell me why he thinks i'm a liar and a *itch. but when i tried to speak with him briefly about going back there till we find our way back on our feet, he implied that if we didn't have that money of a vehicle to show for it, there will be no help from him ever. so i sit here, my fighting with my husband back to being enemies again, my daughter driving me up the wall being in the 3 year stage people claim, my dad being mean to me, my grandmother calling my husband names, my mom still recooperating in texas and me trying not to worry her with these problems, about to be kicked out of our apartment, no money, no anything... and i'm ready to give up. i can't take another fight with my husband. i can't take being called every name in the book by my father, and told how much of a disapointment i am to him even though i've never done anything to him and have not asked for his help with anything since my daughter was 3 weeks old... i sit here knowing my dad's family will jump on us the minute they know my husbands lost his wonderful job and will belittle us, make me feel like a 12 year old... i sit here wondering whats going to happen to us and i cry. i cry all the time. i cry everyday. i yell at my child all the time. i fight with my husbnad. and i sleep too. i lay down about the middle of the day and don't get up untill it's my daughter's bedtime. and my husband... he spends his time zoneing out on this online game or in front of the tv. i've never seen him act like this. he hasn't gone to look for a job and i don't know what to do about that because that's never happend. i tried to talk to him about it and we just had another fight. so i sit and i cry. i cry untill i can't breath anymore. i cry untill i fall asleep. i don't know where to turn, i don't know what to do. i don't know how to fix this. i don't know. and my panic attacks, they're coming back. i'm not on medication anymore and we have no insurance. but they're trying to come back. i haven't had a severe one yet, only small loss of breath here and there and feelings of craziness that cause me to begin to cry as i run to the bathroom to brush my hair or refold my towels... or just back to bed where i lay down and close my eyes and fall instantly to sleep which has also never happened before. i feel nothing but hopelessness... i feel lost.

i hope my sparatic reading didn't cause any confusiona nd i thank anyone who took the time to read through it all. thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 6:23pm

Hi & welcome to our board :)

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 11:19am

Hello! You have many stressors & major life changes that more than likely have contributed to the return of anxiety/panic. Many of our boardies can attest to that. You are NOT alone. I have to agree with Sheri Ann, that you should take a good hard look @ what's going on here & make some thoughtful decisions. If you are suffering anxiety/panic, what must your child be feeling? It is your job as a mother to keep her safe. I know it will be tough to care for the both of you, but that is parenting. Please talk to social services as suggested. Children's services can send a family aide to help you with your dd. Parenting classes are available to help you provide the environment your dd needs. There is also help