Just feel like I'm losing it
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| Tue, 08-22-2006 - 10:54pm |
This is probably going to be a rambling vent but right now, I have no one to turn to. My husband doesn't get it and it doesn't help that he has a lot of the same issues yet doesn't recognize it (which then just adds on top of mine).
I just feel like I can't handle anything anymore. The intense worry and anxiety (and obsessing) and this snowball, runaway train feeling.
Work is just getting to me to the point where I just feel like I'm losing it. I work with people who have no clue about my job nor give me the respect for my abilities (web designer/copywriter/strategist) yet they are nothing but whiney and controlling about things they know nothing about (like design, copy, web strategy). So it just puts me in this internal rage but then I get anxious thinking, "wow, I'm seriously crazy...who would act like this?" Then that snowballs into "wow, I can't keep a job down with this attitude/internal feelings; within 6 months at a place, I just want to shout upon high, kick things, then quit." (not that I do; but want to to release the stress).
It just feels like I am surrounded by people who are more "crazy" yet they all look at me like I am (sorry for using that word--just generalizing).
I mean, these work people are messed up. I don't even know how the company stays in business.
My husband has a lot of issues but he brushes them off to a simple, "oh everyone has issues." It's like no, you need serious therapy about your own anxiety, control, sometimes abusive thinking. You also have alcohol and drug (marijuana) issues. GET HELP. And he's so bullheaded that it drives me insane.
My parents are extremely abusive and never recognized it.
Some of my younger friends are just so ...flighty and superficial yet they just bounce around happy and all I can be is angry because all I think is "the world is falling apart yet you seem to bounce around and have fun! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME THAT I CAN'T?"
It boils down to I just can't handle these external "forces"/people..whatever so all I can do is get anxious and panic of how the heck am I going to have any sound/stable future? Then I just get scared because the only "sensible" resolution is to kill myself so I can avoid the fears.
And then I get scared because I'm too chicken to do it yet it's like this inner turmoil of "well if you don't, then you will continue in this cycle."
And I'm so deeply afraid of losing it and being committed (already had my joyous stay in-patient for 3 days illegally when I was 20). Why did I even go to that hospital? Because it was advised to me under the premise of total out-patient, normal therapy. Instead it was a rouse by my then boyfriend and his family and boom--I was forced to admit myself.
If you don't think that is a PTSD incident that affects me 15 years later.... I mean, Michael Moore is doing this movie about the healthcare industry and mental health industry. He would have LOVED to hear my detailed story.
Anyway, sorry for getting off track.
My point is I'm afraid all the time of day to day life and the fact that the whole world is crazy but doesn't recognize it. How is someone like me supposed to cope???

First, let me welcome you to the group.
Sheri Ann
sounds like your really having a tough time...that sucks...i don't have any great words of wisdom, just wanted to say hi, and let you know that you are not alone in your stress...we've all been there...feel free to vent any time.
I also wanted to add that when we feel as tho everyone else is in control, it surely brings on anxiety.
Sheri Ann
Heather, I LOVE your new siggy!
Sheri Ann
I wish I could tell you how many times I felt the same exact way. I wish I could tell you that it is the world an not you, but guess what? Only you can control your world. I use to say, "Do they think they can do a better job?, I'd like to see them try. I'm not Super Woman ya know, I'm doing my best." And the list goes on.
First, It is just a job. It is not your life, should not be you life, you have a family life other than your co-workers.
I will tell you what my boss told me, he said "You need to let things go....you need to just let things roll off your back. What does it accomplish? Nothing. It just makes more stress for yourself and it interfears with your work." It was impearitive for me to laugh it off. So they are crazy and control freaks. If that makes them feel important they are not going to control me. If I get mad that means they have me under their control. Yes I do have PTSD from years of abuse, rape and attempted brain washing. It is at it's peak now after 5 years. So maybe we see somthing in these people that trigger our anger. I know that my co-workers always try to make me look stupid. I found out that by yelling and getting angry only made them feel more powerful. So I turned it back on them and straight out said, "Why would you do/say that?" Make them answer for what they said or did. Then they will try to blame me or say, "Say/do what?" Then bust out with your true feelings but in a calm and gental way. Always say "I feel" before each sentence. Who care
what they think. See no one can control you if you are in control of your self emotionally and mentaly. My problem is that I hold everything in. Then I take it out on my family when I get home. Those are the people who do not deserve it. Then I find myself distanced from everyone. I did not have any relationships (frienships or romantic)because I thought everyone was out to get me. Truth is they are not. They could care less. People are more interested in themselves than they are others. If they look good at the expense of others they don't care, as long as they look good. Just a thought
Wow!
Sheri Ann