Tired of being crazy (long)
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| Fri, 09-01-2006 - 8:16pm |
Hi. I'm new to this board, although I admit I've lurked for a few months. My name is Michelle and I was diagnosed about 13 years abo with anxiety/panic disorder. Once I found out what was wrong I pretty much figured I could control it, and to a degree I did. Only recently I feel like I'm spinning out of control.
Several months ago I had a panic attack that landed me in urgent care. There they gave a rx for Xanax. Oh my! I hadn't slept so well or been so calm in forever! So I decided maybe it was time to admit I needed help. I went to see my family practitioner and she put me on Zoloft, with Xanax to help. I also suffer from severe insomnia for which she prescribed Ambien.
Since that time I've tried Ambien and Lunesta for sleep, I am back on Ambien because my insurance company approved it but neither one work completely. The other night I took it and was still obsessing about stupid things an hour later.
I was up to 150 mg of Zoloft until 2 weeks ago when I just quit taking it. Besides making me worse each time the dosage went up I didn't notice any signficant difference.
Now I am wondering if I suffer from anxiety or am just crazy. I find myself sitting in my house thinking about all the social encounters I've had (I'm on the board of the PTA) with school or friends and berate myself for things I've said or done. I find myself sitting here thinking people are talking bad about me for those same things (rationally I am aware others have far better things to do with their time than sit around talking about me). I am fine walking into social situations, but OMG once I am there I hate everything I say or do. I go to extremes to make sure I don't isolate myself because in turn I know I'll isolate my children, but most days I really would just prefer to get into bed and throw the covers over my head.
I have not told anyone about this to the extreme that it truly is. Why am I sitting at my desk at home working and thinking there is someone (someone I know)watching me and criticizing what I am doing? What would anyone (even my DH) think if I told them this? I would be locked up for sure. But I just don't know if I can handle it anymore.
My best friend just moved into town with her family and I find myself starting to do it with her too. I feel disconnected a lot too, like right now as I type I feel like I'm standing just outside my body looking down. It's very strange.
I'm sorry this is so long. It's actually taken me months to get the courage to do it. Thanks if you got this far.

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Hi, Michelle & welcome to our caring community. You are NOT alone. People with anxiety are highly critical of themselves. We are our own worst enemies. Self esteem issues play a huge roll in our anxiety. FWIW, I have had the very same thoughts as you. Constantly replaying the tape of what I should have said, could have said in my mind, always knowing I was NOT good enough & whatever I said or did was lame in other's eyes.
I think you're doing the right thing to address issues you're facing. Perhaps another med would be better. Have you had any withdrawal symptoms? Did you get the ok to stop the med? This concerns me. Sometimes a severe depression sets in when stopping the meds abruptly. Seeing a counselor can reveal the patterns of behavior that got us into these messes of berating ourselves & teach us new ways to cope.
I hope you post often & join us in chat. You can learn to live with anxiety. You can face the fears. I am glad you continue your social activities. Once we give in to the fear & stay home, it's hard to get back out there. Good luck & GBU! (((hugs))) jan
Hi Michelle, first let me welcome you to the board!
Sheri Ann
hi there and welcome to the board.
You still haven't taken the zoloft?
Sheri Ann
Welcome Michelle!
My first thought was maybe you are feeling so much worse because of dropping the meds cold turkey. They are really supposed to weaned off gradually to avoid side effects.
But I think therapy is a great idea. I see a therapist (and after seeing her for about 2 mos, also started on Lexapro, and feel like the combo works great for me) One thing we discussed in therapy that may apply to you too is that having anxiety for many years can really affect the way you think and feel and really your whole personality in ways that really don't have much to do with anxiety. I also have a lot of those thoughts about whether people are talking about me, and seriously analyze what I say and how I look to others.
Anyway, this is a great place, and I would personally recommend therapy to see how that works for you if you don't like using the meds.
Karen
Hi Michelle - I'm the exact same way of being critical over everything I've said or done (I call them the voices lol - not REAL voices but my subconscious I guess?) After I've had a conversation with someone I will go over every detail of the convo thinking I should have said this or I shouldn't have said that! So I do know how you are feeling, and you are not alone and you are not crazy!! I just started meds 3 days ago, Effexor XR and generic of Tranxene ... although I've felt nothing but side effects from the Effexor so far .. I am taking the tranxene at night at the moment and it is definitely helping with falling asleep. I'm actually out within about 10 min instead of 45 and no more "voices" lol!
Are there any other meds you can try for sleep? I would talk to your doc about something to replace the zoloft as well. Good luck *Hugz* you are definitely not alone!
Hi & welcome to our board, we're happy you joined us!
The persisting thought sure can be nerve racking.
Sheri Ann
At this point, I will do and try anything to help with general anxiety and the overwhelming panic attacks. It's dificult to live with it on a day to day basis and work and have a family, too!! It's scary and draining! Again, am so hoping for a "cure"!!
I know so much of this must be personally driven! It is so much better with support from people who can totally relate to me and my "weird" symptoms!
Again, a heartfelt thank you! I will keep you posted! Please do likewise! :)
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