Tired of being crazy (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tired of being crazy (long)
14
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 8:16pm

Hi. I'm new to this board, although I admit I've lurked for a few months. My name is Michelle and I was diagnosed about 13 years abo with anxiety/panic disorder. Once I found out what was wrong I pretty much figured I could control it, and to a degree I did. Only recently I feel like I'm spinning out of control.

Several months ago I had a panic attack that landed me in urgent care. There they gave a rx for Xanax. Oh my! I hadn't slept so well or been so calm in forever! So I decided maybe it was time to admit I needed help. I went to see my family practitioner and she put me on Zoloft, with Xanax to help. I also suffer from severe insomnia for which she prescribed Ambien.

Since that time I've tried Ambien and Lunesta for sleep, I am back on Ambien because my insurance company approved it but neither one work completely. The other night I took it and was still obsessing about stupid things an hour later.

I was up to 150 mg of Zoloft until 2 weeks ago when I just quit taking it. Besides making me worse each time the dosage went up I didn't notice any signficant difference.

Now I am wondering if I suffer from anxiety or am just crazy. I find myself sitting in my house thinking about all the social encounters I've had (I'm on the board of the PTA) with school or friends and berate myself for things I've said or done. I find myself sitting here thinking people are talking bad about me for those same things (rationally I am aware others have far better things to do with their time than sit around talking about me). I am fine walking into social situations, but OMG once I am there I hate everything I say or do. I go to extremes to make sure I don't isolate myself because in turn I know I'll isolate my children, but most days I really would just prefer to get into bed and throw the covers over my head.

I have not told anyone about this to the extreme that it truly is. Why am I sitting at my desk at home working and thinking there is someone (someone I know)watching me and criticizing what I am doing? What would anyone (even my DH) think if I told them this? I would be locked up for sure. But I just don't know if I can handle it anymore.

My best friend just moved into town with her family and I find myself starting to do it with her too. I feel disconnected a lot too, like right now as I type I feel like I'm standing just outside my body looking down. It's very strange.

I'm sorry this is so long. It's actually taken me months to get the courage to do it. Thanks if you got this far.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 9:11pm

Hi, Michelle & welcome to our caring community. You are NOT alone. People with anxiety are highly critical of themselves. We are our own worst enemies. Self esteem issues play a huge roll in our anxiety. FWIW, I have had the very same thoughts as you. Constantly replaying the tape of what I should have said, could have said in my mind, always knowing I was NOT good enough & whatever I said or did was lame in other's eyes.


I think you're doing the right thing to address issues you're facing. Perhaps another med would be better. Have you had any withdrawal symptoms? Did you get the ok to stop the med? This concerns me. Sometimes a severe depression sets in when stopping the meds abruptly. Seeing a counselor can reveal the patterns of behavior that got us into these messes of berating ourselves & teach us new ways to cope.


I hope you post often & join us in chat. You can learn to live with anxiety. You can face the fears. I am glad you continue your social activities. Once we give in to the fear & stay home, it's hard to get back out there. Good luck & GBU! (((hugs))) jan





 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2006
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 8:19am
my heart goes out to you- i have been there and like you have fallen again.i wonder if you are feeling this way from stopping the zoloft. i was prescribed this too but so far i havent taken it beacuse i have read that it doesn't help or can make the symptoms worse-and lets face it dont want it worst.i am also on the board of my pta and i feel like i have been hiding this from my friends and just making my world smaller.i have 2 girls and i haven't been doing right by them this summer.i also feel like everyone is talking about me and that i failing everyone in my life.i have caused so much stress on my family this time and my girls see it this time. take care and keep us posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 9:51am

Hi Michelle, first let me welcome you to the board!

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 9:53am

hi there and welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 9:54am

You still haven't taken the zoloft?

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-1998
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 11:07am

Welcome Michelle!
My first thought was maybe you are feeling so much worse because of dropping the meds cold turkey. They are really supposed to weaned off gradually to avoid side effects.
But I think therapy is a great idea. I see a therapist (and after seeing her for about 2 mos, also started on Lexapro, and feel like the combo works great for me) One thing we discussed in therapy that may apply to you too is that having anxiety for many years can really affect the way you think and feel and really your whole personality in ways that really don't have much to do with anxiety. I also have a lot of those thoughts about whether people are talking about me, and seriously analyze what I say and how I look to others.

Anyway, this is a great place, and I would personally recommend therapy to see how that works for you if you don't like using the meds.

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 7:53pm

Hi Michelle - I'm the exact same way of being critical over everything I've said or done (I call them the voices lol - not REAL voices but my subconscious I guess?) After I've had a conversation with someone I will go over every detail of the convo thinking I should have said this or I shouldn't have said that! So I do know how you are feeling, and you are not alone and you are not crazy!! I just started meds 3 days ago, Effexor XR and generic of Tranxene ... although I've felt nothing but side effects from the Effexor so far .. I am taking the tranxene at night at the moment and it is definitely helping with falling asleep. I'm actually out within about 10 min instead of 45 and no more "voices" lol!


Are there any other meds you can try for sleep? I would talk to your doc about something to replace the zoloft as well. Good luck *Hugz* you are definitely not alone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2006
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 3:16pm
I am new here, too and find it reassuring--yet wishing that none of us had to expereince the awful feelings that go with panic and anxiety symptoms! Sometimes, i get so many symptoms--i don't know which one to focus on! I so totally relate to all those who are so obsessing about their health. I have been on klinopin--but I think I need a different doasge or perhaps, another med that might work in sync with it--as it isn't sustaining me. Why do these feelings often just come out of nowhere? That is the hrdest and scariest part of "not knowing" what is wrong and "why"???
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 6:41pm

Hi & welcome to our board, we're happy you joined us!


The persisting thought sure can be nerve racking.

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2006
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 8:01pm
Thanks for your thoguhtfulness and understanding! I think what is shared here is amazing!! I just had my 1st Therapy Session and of course, am skeptical--can they really produce results? How are positive results best achieved?
At this point, I will do and try anything to help with general anxiety and the overwhelming panic attacks. It's dificult to live with it on a day to day basis and work and have a family, too!! It's scary and draining! Again, am so hoping for a "cure"!!
I know so much of this must be personally driven! It is so much better with support from people who can totally relate to me and my "weird" symptoms!
Again, a heartfelt thank you! I will keep you posted! Please do likewise! :)

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