Introduction, need some feedback!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2006
Introduction, need some feedback!
2
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 12:42am

Hello everybody! I'm a 35 year old woman living in Portland, OR. I recently finished graduate school with an engineering degree and now have my dream job, live in my dream city and have been in my dream relationship for 9 months now. But I have some serious problems - I have begun treatment by a psychiatrist and a psychologist for something they can't name, probably anxiety/depression, but possibly something worse like complete paranoia or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (which, if true, is due to physical abuse and stalking I experienced as an emancipated minor by an older boyfriend for several years.)

Here's my problem: I have a wonderful, caring, devoted, compassionate boyfriend, who has stuck by me despite all of my neuroses, anxiety and me generally being difficult. I trust him about 99% to not ever cheat on me, but I feel terrified that he will at least find other women attractive. This is my obsessive fear and I cannot stop thinking about it day and night. I'm NOT afraid he'll sleep with anybody else, but I'm terrified that he'll meet somebody he finds extremely attractive. And just like them from afar, or compare them to me physically. All of my friends and family say that I am exceptionally attractive but I don't feel that confidence at all. It also really bothers me that people in general focus so much on looks, and that guys seem to parse out love according to how good looking a woman is.

I have been encouraging him to take one night out of the week to spend with his teenaged son which is Wednesday, so today being a Wednesday, they went out for pizza. While sitting at home I was terrified that he would see somebody attractive or notice somebody better looking than me and then somehow THINK LESS of me. I know this doesn't make any sense. I know I shouldn't feel like looks are all that matter. They are not all that matter to me. However, they seem to be what matters most to a lot of men. My boyfriend doesn't act that way, but I have trouble trusting men to be honest in general. So I'm constantly in terror that he will see somebody gorgous on the train to work, and then realize that I'm starting to look older, that I'm not as perfect looking as a younger woman, etc.

What the heck is wrong with my mind? Is this paranoia or anxiety? Sometimes I hyperventilate and cry uncontrollably, and other times I just feel angry. My psychiatrist is treating me for anxiety with two anti-seizures (Lamictal and Risperdal) as well as Klonopin. (The only thing that seems to work is Klonopin, and I only take small doses at a time, which is not daily.) Then there's my therapist who only focuses on my past and my sadness but does not help me learn any daily tools to use to deal with my constant anxiety and discomfort. What should I do? Should I get different doctors? Should I just accept that men will find other women attractive and that you cannot completely trust anybody, but just find the best partner you can? Am I in the right forum - does this sound like anxiety to you, or more like depression or PTSD?

Thanks for listening :)
-moon_mouse6

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 4:03am

Welcome to our board!

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 11:59am

Hello! I am sorry to hear that you are suffering. We cannot diagnose as that must be done by a medical professional. Seeing both a psychologist & psychiatrist, they should have given you some sort of idea of where you stand. Since you're paying for their care, it IS your right to know what they have written in their records. I won't pull any punches with you. The meds(lamictal & resperidol) are not used for anxiety disorders. We rarely see folks posting to our board on those meds. You can research them on the web. Klonopin is used for seizures, but can be used for anxiety, too.


You seem to have major trust issues. Changing doctors would probably not be in your best interest, IMHO. I think you will continue to have doubts regardless of who you see. Noone can say why you have such doubts, but there are ways to build your confidence & feel more secure with yourself. There are many discussions along these lines on the Self Esteem support board. Here is the link: