I need advice
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| Sun, 10-08-2006 - 2:15pm |
I've posted here once before about this issue, but that was back in June. (I don't know if I'd used this name or not). Well, anyway...
Back in June my sister had gotten married. The issue that I posted was about my mother. She wouldn't (or couldn't) attend my sister's wedding events (shower and the wedding itself) and wouldn't explain to my sister, myself or our father as to why not. What we collectively came up with was the possibility that she has social anxiety disorder.. but we don't know that for sure since she offered no explanation for her not attending. Our whole immediate family lives with varying degrees of shyness- myself included- yet no one but her takes it to such an extreme.
Well, I am posting again because I recently got engaged and am now myself planning a wedding that will be held in June of '07. I am at least prepared for my mother's ways, but that doesn't particularly help my having to deal with it. I am concerned that she is going to continue to avoid all social events. My shower, my wedding, the holidays (which she'd also avoided last year). And now, my fiances parents are looking to meet my parents over dinner at some point. When his mother asked me about it all I could do was nod while inside I was wondering how to explain that she just won't do it.
I was upset about everything, but now I am over being hurt that she avoids things. What bothers me now is the fact that I don't know how to explain her to people. What am I suppose to say to his parents? To my friends?
But it goes beyond that, also. Ever since I left my parents house almost two years ago, my parents rarely call. My mother says the most depressing things at times. And in retrospect, even when I was living in their home, my parents were not the most "normal" of people. Everything was sporadic. Sometimes my mother would act like the perfect "mom type" and other times it would be like her mood would depress the whole house. She is also sort of "anti doctor" (I think b/c she lost her own mother to cancer when she was just 12ish) - she never went unless she broke a bone or something equally serious. So the idea of suggesting a doc for her psychological health would be a tough sell to her.
I don't know what advice I'm really looking for. The immediate relief of what to do about my wedding plans or the long term question of how to manage a decent relationship with a person who doesn't seem to try anymore. Or, perhaps, just a frame of reference as to what might be wrong with her.
Thanks in advance to anyone who can shed any light on this situation.

Hello! It's nice you stopped back in. I will try to shed some light on this, but I doubt it's what you want to hear. It is based on fact, though. Here's a link on social anxiety/phobia for you to read.
Thanks for the info and link. I appreciate it.
I agree with you for the most part, however there was one thing you said that I have to say I disagree with. While I agree that this is HER problem, I disagree that it isn't my problem at all. Perhaps the disorder (if that's what it is)is her direct problem, but it effects me, which causes related issues for me. While it isn't something I have to explain to most people, I do have to explain it at least to my fiance's parents. When they're asking to meet my parents I do have to explain why that's not happening. I do have to explain why she is not coming to events. I can't just tell them it's not their business. So, this IS a problem for me. It's not an easy thing to explain or deal with.
But, again, I agree with most of what you said and do appreciate the info.
Hi & welcome back!
Sheri Ann
Can you just be honest & say your mom isn't well?
Sheri Ann
would not be able to attend my daughers weddings or events!
I had no idea what was wrong with me but had such overwhelming
FEAR and anxiety symptoms that even though I LOVED my daughter
with all my heart I would not be able to go!
I was fortunate enough to find help before she was married
and THANK GOD that I am now able to travel and socialize with others!
It was this daughter who helped me accept that I had to take
medication BLESS HER!! I was not happy at the time and scared but
she helped me through this!!
Maybe an HONEST talk with your mother is needed for her to
seek help!! I pray that she does!! It only gets worse---
TAKE care and let us know! HUGS!! Judy
I know how hard this is for you, believe me.
Sheri Ann