My brain is a Cat 5 Hurricane

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
My brain is a Cat 5 Hurricane
5
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 3:48pm

This is just a general rant and may be quite long.

So many things are happening right now. My money situation is quite tight right now and thats putting it lightly. I try to stay positive and focused on the goal but i find it harder and harder. My room mate wants to move out of the flat we rent and has no consideration for the hardship this will/is causing me. I am supposed to start winter semester of college( im 29) and can't because i have a 300.00 balance holding me back. Add to that that on october 6th my eldest brother died suddenly of a heart attack and i couldn't go to the funeral because I live in Michigan and he lived in Nevada.

I worry constantly about everything. Am i doing good enough? Am i a good enough person? Does God listen to my prayers? Do i get on his nerves because i say i will do better but then fail? Why am i still single when people tell me Im smart pretty and a great catch. If all thats true where is the net.

I have a few very good friends but I cant tell them what i feel because they just do not understand. Then when I do something like disagree or get upset its written off like " OH. Thats just the way she is". Thats Irulan always saying first thing that comes out her mind"
Why do people look at that as if its a bad thing. I worry..Am i to honest? Is that why i am still single? Should i be more demure you know be 'that girl"? Its all confusing and tiresome to think on. I am taking medication for the anxiety and depression and it does help. But honestly i just want to curl up into a ball and hide from the world outside. Stay under my blankets and lock the doors until its all over. I am tire of the mood swings an being bipolar. I just want relief. The thing is i know it is coming one day but some days it seems so far far away.

I get tired of being positive and a 'strong woman'. I want someone to look out for me for a change. Take care of me, Be happy to see me. Love me cherish me and honor me. I believe in passion and love. Although sometimes i feel like a blind person looking at the sky. I know its out there i just cant see it. Some days i think...Ooh look! there is a glimpse of it" other days all i see is the blackest of nights.

Then i have all the goals i set. The plans I make. They go undone and my room mate will say' oh nevermind you will just backout anyway" At this point I just dont see the point of progress yet I cant be static. Depression and Biploar are a crazy mix. One makes me want nothiing, do nothing. The other keeps me moving forward in its own weird way. I have so much to say. I think so much my mind becomes a landfill of ideas caught by a hurricane wind. They flow down my arm to my pen and then vanish into thin air.

One day my relif will come and i will be okay. I have to believe that. It keeps me sane...LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 7:04pm

My expertise is 36 years of anxiety. Lots of obssessive thoughts have passed through this head. That being said, I am wondering if this is a phase you're going through, Irulan? My questions were exactly the same as yours. I have had those throughout my life & my mother would say, *don't wonder too far or you'll get lost.* If I held on to the thoughts too much or too long, it caused me feelings of deep regret & even contributed to depression.


If you feel the thoughts are so fast that they're interfering with life's enjoyment, try reading through this link: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-bhpanic&msg=20412.1&ctx=16384

 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 8:33pm

(((Irulane))) I'm so sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed!

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 8:22am

Thank you guys alot. I am a bit better today. I needed some time alone i guess. So much is happening that i felt was/is out of my control that I started to drown.

I do have a bit of a self esteem problem. It was very very bad for a long time. Now its just ok. I am really glad of this board because it gives me an outlet for all the chaos that is in my mind. It also gives me something positive to focus on. Thank you all

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 12:43pm

Glad to hear that you are feeling better today. It sounds like you have a lot to handle. Have you looked into financial aid for school? That's how DH and I were able to get started in classes again. He was even able to get a temporary school loan until his national financial aid assessment came through.

Hugs,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 5:03pm
Vent away!

Sheri Ann