It is getting the best of me
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| Mon, 10-16-2006 - 10:35pm |
Hi everyone,
Haven't been on in a while but things have taken a bad turn for me so I decided I should come here. Which I don't think is really fair of me because when I feel "good" I only lurk if I come by at all. But, the past few days I have really felt bad and I am totally terrified. I guess I began to notice my problems resurfacing late last week. In fact it got so bad that I called the Employee Assistance program offered through my employer for help.
I have this constant feeling of uneasiness or maybe kind of dream like. I don't know what the cause of it is but I am so uncomfortable right now that I can not relax one bit. I just want to run or cry or scream. Most of all I want to feel normal. At times I don't know who I am as far as if my likes or things I enjoy are really me or just a product of some imaginative comfort that I have created. My chest feels tight and so do my muscles. I feel like I am letting down my wife and kids.
Plus there is thir girl at work who flirts with me all the time and I flirt back. I would never cheat on my wife (at least I would hope not) but I find myself enjoying the flirtation. This makes me feel awful and it makes someone like me who is already unsure about himself just more confused about everything. I know that I have not done ANYTHING wrong (it's just flirting right??) but I think I am just consumed with guilt over this. If I tell my wife she will totally go beserk.
I have an appointment with a Psychologist or psychiatrist tomorrow at 11 AM through EAP (employee assistance program). I am totally scared to go but also very eager to go because I think that it will help me a lot. I know that I can tell the doctor all of what I am posting here and hopefully he can give me some advice. I am afraid to go on meds as well.
I have not slept good in days. For one I have been watching the Mets every night and I get up at 2:45 AM to get ready for work so I am only getting a few hours of sleep, plus I also wake up a few times in the few hours that I have been sleeping.
I just feel so hopeless and that this is how I will have to live for the rest of my life and it terrifies me.
Thanks for listening,
Rob
Edited 10/16/2006 11:00 pm ET by mrmet

We're always here, Rob. Whether you're doing well or not so good, we want you to think of us as a safe place to share.
I am sorry to hear about what's going on. Not getting adequate sleep is a real trigger for me. Other than the flirtation @ work(that might have some subconscious effects on your anxiety) has anything else happened? Extra stressors? I see this employee assistance program as a godsend. I think that seeing the psychologist/psychiatrist tomorrow is a good thing. Tell this person what you have posted here. If you have other concerns, please make a list. I get stressed & forget what I want to say.
I hope you come away with a plan on how to deal with your anxiety & some new coping techniques. Ask to be taught some relaxation methods. That's how I learned mine & got back to driving after 3 years. I wish you lots of luck & hope you'll let us know how it goes. (((hugs))) jan
Hi,
Thanks for the reply. I honestly can't think of anything other than the flirting stuff. But it's just flirting...I didn't think it was all that bad. I always worry about money but even that hasn't been such an issue that I am aware of. I do know that I have very low self-esteem so the whole flirtation thing makes me feel good because I think maybe someone sees me differently than I see my own self. Which frightens me because it makes me wonder if the opportunity for it to become more than flirtation presented itself would I be so taken in to the fact that someone desired me that I could decline? God I love my wife and I know that I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize my marriage but we (men) are idiots and we don't think with the right equipment.
I do so hope that the Dr. can help and I will let everyone know how it goes. I am practically crying now so I am sure I will be bawling at the doctor.
Also, I don't know how to decribe this but maybe you can. If I see a child with a disability it just totally hurts me. Last night, before the Mets game, my wife was watching that Extreme Makeover home show with the Ty guy. The family had a son that was premature and just a terrible thing. I sat there and cried for the 15 minutes that I actually watched the show. This happens all the time. Then it gets me thinking that I have it so good and why the heck should I feel like this when there are so many people in this messed up world that have it much worse than I do. I want to change the world and cure the sick but I know that I can't. Does that make any sense? Are these feelings irrational?
Take care,
Rob
Hi Rob,
I only have a minute to type here as I'm on my way out the door but I just wanted to lend my support to you.
Jennifer
"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi
Rob I use to work with the mentally retarded population and I can understand your need to make everything right. But Rob I found that God has his purpose for putting these precious people on this earth. I learned so much from them. I learned patience and the feeling of unconditional love. At times they made me laugh and yes they also made me cry. But rest assured they also have a purpose on this earth same as all of us.
Hoping your appointment goes well and you can find the right tools to make you feel better.
Keitha
(((Rob))) I have been offline for a few days, so I'm catching up & I did already respond to your post about today.
Sheri Ann
hi rob,
i can relate to what you are feeling...especially the hopeless feeling and worrying that i will always be like this.
Thanks for the advice everyone. In regards to the whole flirtation issue..yes, I plan on putting an end to it. But it is actually more her than me. Yes I have already thought about telling my wife I got fired for sexual harassment and what that would mean. It wouldn't be pretty.
I feel much better today though. Like I said in my other post I went to the doctor and I actually have to go to the psychiatrist tomorrow, mainly for meds. Let you all know how it goes.
Let's Go Mets!!
Take care,
Rob