would really appreciate some opinions
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| Thu, 10-19-2006 - 9:56am |
Hello Everybody
I hope you are all doing well :0) I have used this board in the past and it has been such a great help to me..
I dont know what category my situation falls under I have even searched the web in general and really couldn;t come up with anything,
I have suffered from anxiety /panic for twelve years now however with the help of medication everything has been under control so this is not an anxiety issue.
Heres the thing, actually two things. I get freaked out if someone just stops over without calling.. If the doorbell rings or mine or my husbands parents just show up I start to shale feel anger and shaky.. I just dont know why but I like when people call before coming to visit. I have a mother who thinks she is entitled to just show up here anytime she pelases and we have gotten into many arguments over this.
My second issue is I like to be alone and really do not like to have company however this has been recent when it comes to this part of it.. I will confess I am a little bit of a neat freak in the house however I dont htink its really that. My husbands sister has two kids that are not bieng raised properly and they are extremly abusive and destructive and my husband wont say anything to his sister so bieng that he wont we havent had them over and I have been avoiding them so I thought this was maybe because of that however, it has turned into EVERYBODY.. Family etc.. I like to be by myself I have NO literally NO FRIENDS!! I had two best friends and about five years ago the one screwed me over, then last year my other girlfriend and I went our seperate ways and I just kind of gave up thinking that everyone is out to screw me and I have lots of trustissues.
Ihave searched the web under phobias, anti social however nothing seems to match up. Should I just allow myself to accep that this is just the way I am? And if not where do you start and meet new people etc?? I am 34 kids are in their pre teen years so there is no more mommy and me groups.. I wouldnt know where to start when it comes to meeting friends..
Do I have a right to feel that I should get a coutesy call for guests to come and visit?? Im sorry I know this isnt really an anxiety issue yet in a way its some type of mental issue.. Can anyone help me out there? Love Kriss

You are how you are, Kriss. There's no right or wrong when it comes to who you are & how you'd like to live your life. Most of us have been caught with our pants down, so to speak, when guests showed up uninvited. I know some people who have no visitors whatsoever, but once a year when they have their homes just perfect, they invite in friends.
I don't like people showing up unannounced either.
Sheri Ann
Destructive behavior really ticks me off to. And I don't like people coming over unannounced either. But I can really really relate to the needing alone time and not having many friends. I have 2 good friends but we've been through ups and downs, that is for sure. And of course, neither of those friends live near me now. One is 3 hours north and the other is across the country. I have no close friends in the town I live in now and I've lived here for 7 years now! I just never feel I can find women I have things in common with. I hate starting the conversation and the friendship. I don't know if I'm just a weirdo or what, but that is just how I am. So, anyway, hang in there! You are so not alone. I'm not sure what to call it either. My anxiety isn't a social anxiety either. I just suck at it I guess!!!
Big hugs to you!
Laura
I don't like unannounced visitors either. It bothers me less now that I have kids - there are lots of kids in our neighborhood so often they stop by with their parents. We did have one neighbor who stopped by unannounced a LOT when our oldest was still an infant. Finally my husband just had to tell him directly that he had to call before coming over, we had a baby and we just could not have unannounced visitors when we were trying to settle down at night. That seemed to work.
Sometimes I just don't answer the door. That's another tactic you could try.
As far as being alone - I can relate to that - it came up with my therapist this week. When I do have a chance to get out on my own, I just want to be alone - go to the library, or go swimming or something. I feel like I'm with people all day long - work, home, out and about in the neighborhood. She mentioned that while it's hard to get together with friends when you have kids, etc, you should be careful of not isolating yourself. I am a pretty social person but I feel like it's a lot of effort to keep up friendships with all the other stuff going on in my life. Plus it's a two way street and I find that a lot of my friends don't make the effort either. It seems to be harder to find close friends as you get older doesn't it? And I totally understand your trust issues. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, and as a result I have been screwed over a lot too.
If you feel you are really missing out and would like to make new friends, then it's probably something you should work on. Maybe take a class, or find a club that revolves around something you're interested. I have met some really great people at my church too. I recently joined a church team/committee to try and grow some of those friendships.
Hi Kriss,
A lot of my anxiety issues seem to be wrapped up in control issues too. I completely understand what you mean about unexpected guests. When one arrives, I immediately think about my house or anything that needs to be picked up and that invariably leads to anxiety about other issues. I just get a drop in my stomach and start feeling annoyed and anxious as a trigger response when faced with uninvited company.
I am facing a problem recently, that I came home after a long tiring day and found that my DH had friends over. I just felt really annoyed and completely unable to cope. Our home is really small, so it is very difficult to "escape" company and be alone. I tried to be polite, but DH got the message that I really wanted them to leave. Unfortunately they weren't picking up on any of the heavy hints from either of us. I think he finally had to outright ask them to go and make an excuse about me "not feeling well". DH told me they had dropped in uninvited to begin with. Well, they got the idea that I didn't like them and one is a good friend of DH, so now I feel guilty about it. Argh.
As for finding friends, I'd start with a group or activity where you can go out to meetings or events and begin acquaintences on your own terms, then if you really click and form a good friendship, you can invite them over or do get togethers. I'd be honest up front and tell them, in a nice, cheerful way that you just don't like unexpected company...I think a lot of people would understand and respect that.
Smiles,
Dee