Anxiety & New Relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Anxiety & New Relationship
6
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 9:24am
I'm not sure if I should be posting this here or on the Love & Sex board, but I thought I might get a better response here. I've been seeing a guy for about 2 months and we didn't have an official talk, but it's pretty much assumed that we're not dating other people. I really enjoy spending time with this guy, but I'm not sure if he has long term potential. And being 32 and never married, I'm not into wasting time, although, I am in no way into rushing things either. I find myself constantly anxious about this situation, and it's not the typical new relationship jitters. I literally feel sick in my stomach when I start thinking about whether I should continue things with him, or end it now. Sometimes I feel like there are too many issues that we would never be able to work through. My therapist tells me it's too early to make that assesment and that I need to give it more time. I just need to know how to calm myself down with all of the unknowns and doubts that I'm having. It's been such a long time since I've been in a relationship and I'm finding it difficult dealing with this stage of the relationship since we're not "officially" a couple yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 9:58am

I'm not good with relationship advice. I do tend to overanalyze. My first question would be, have you been in a relationship like this before? Have you dated someone long term,

 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 10:11am

Hi. I was where you are right now when I was 32.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 9:53am
I agree with you if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. But this is what I struggle with - figuring out if he's just not that right person for me or if it's me and my anxiet issues. Yes, I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and have been on and off different medications for the past couple of years. Right now I'm not on anything because I can't stand the side effects from them. I don't know if they would really make a difference in dealing with this relationship stuff anyway. This guy and I live an hour away and only see each other one day a weekend and talk about two times during the week. He told me he's not dating anyone else and has hidden his profile (that's not how I met him, he just happened to be doing the online thing when I met him through friends.) And I don't want to be that girl that has to know exactly where things are going so early on, etc. because I got burned by doing that too early with other guys. I hardly got any sleep last night and went to bed upset because I hadn't heard from him since Monday night. This morning there was a nice v-mail message from him (after I had called him already) saying that he got home late from his parents, he didn't have his phone with him, etc. But right away I'm so skeptical, and all morning I've been running different scenarios through my head. I believe he was at his parents, but I feel like he called when he knew I would be in bed so he wouldn't have to talk to me. I feel like he avoids my phone calls a lot - he's not a big phone person. How do I turn these thought off - I can't concentrate at work!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 10:46am

Hi,

It's not clear from your post, how long you have been seeing your guy, but it sounds like you believe it is too early to ask for a serious relationship, but are not comfortable with that. I guess, what stood out to me in your note was that you didn't want to "wast" time with someone who was not the "right" guy and I think that idea is at the root of your anxiety.

I honestly don't think that people find the "perfect" person for them...they find someone who can be a good friend, a lover & a life partner. That means taking the whole person, warts and all and getting to really know them, not just a fantasy of who you want them to be.

If you are just so focused on this one requirement for a quick, but large commitment, then you are already depriving both of you of that chance to really get to know and enjoy each other and find out if you have what it takes to go long term.

However, communication is everything...if this is bothering you so much that it is impossible to just relax and enjoy each other...then you have nothing to lose and everything to gain in being honest. Tell him, that you are not trying to pressure him for a commitment, but that you really like him, but are feeling anxious, since you had some hard experiences in the past. If he is the guy for you, you are more likely to find out that way and at least he will understand where you are coming from.

I do think it must also be hard to try and have a long distance relationship...that would put a strain on most people.

I hope it works out for you!

Hugs,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 11:46am

I have had the obssessive thoughts & did turn to medication in the past. I felt it was the right option for me. Now, I am able to cope better.

 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 10:00pm

Hi Daisy & welcome :)

Sheri Ann