Don't know what's happening to me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Don't know what's happening to me...
7
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 11:56am

Hello all - I'm new here, although I've been lurking the last couple of days. I'm having some problems lately & I don't know what to do about them...maybe someone here will have a helpful suggestion?

A little about me: 12 years ago I was treated for depression & anxiety that was triggered by some medical problems that I was having at the time. Eventually I just got fed up with feeling that way & medication & therapy weren't helping so I, quite literally, forced myself to get over it. I haven't had problems with anxiety since then and have had only minor depressive episodes that I've managed on my own.

The past few months I've developed something that seems like a combination of anxiety & OCD and I don't know why. There's nothing especially stressful going on in my life that could be triggering this and yet it seems to get worse every passing week! I'm starting to feel like I'm losing my mind and I don't know what to do.

It started with wondering "Did I close the garage door?" after I'd leave for work - and I'd stress about it all day. Then I started going home at lunch to check. Then I'd end up driving backwards down the street to double check before I left for work. And I've even triple checked thinking that maybe somehow I might have reopened the door when I went back to check. Even typing this I know how bizarre it sounds but it's the truth. Even when I'm DOING it, I'm berating myself for being such a flake about it. It's not logical or sensible - in fact, I have NEVER left the garage door open by accident so there's no history to it - and yet, everytime I leave the house, I find myself panic-ridden & driving back to the house to check...again.

And it's expanded from the garage door scenario into other areas as well. Did I remember to bring the dog back in the house? Did I make sure the cat didn't get trapped in the basement (even though the basement door hasn't been opened in weeks)? Are all the doors locked? Did I turn off my hair straightener? Is the refrigerator door closed? I've found myself going through little rituals when I go to leave the house in an attempt to assure myself that I've done everything right...but still, as soon as I leave, I find myself obsessing about it.

Even worse, this is progressing to something outside of my home. For example, last night I wrote a quick "Thank You!" reply to an email my father had said and as soon as I hit "send", I was overcome my the fear that I had NOT actually typed "Thank You" but "F**K You!" instead by mistake. I barely slept last night because I was so concerned about it. Or, a few weeks ago, I wrote a check to the painter who had refinished our deck and even though I kept looking at the check to make sure I filled it out correctly, as soon as I handed it to him, I was convinced I hadn't filled in amount correctly. I had knots in my stomach until the check cleared our account & I could verify that I had filled it out properly.

Like I said, I can't think of anything that could be bringing this on so it doesn't make any sense to me. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm going to do something stupid & something bad will happen so I feel like I'm just vibrating with anxiety all the time. I barely sleep anymore (either can't fall asleep or can't stay asleep) and I know that's not helping either. I just hate feeling this way - feeling so...IRRATIONAL. My husband thinks I just need to take a vacation & relax for a week & I'll be fine but he's not really an empathetic person so he doesn't understand when I tell him that I feel like I'm going crazy.

I don't know if there's a pill I can take to make this stop or if therapy would be useful (it wasn't last time) or what I can do. The only thing worse than feeling this way is not knowing if it'll ever stop. Does anyone has any suggestions?

Thanks for reading,
S.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 12:31pm

Hi and welcome to our community.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 12:55pm
You are not alone. Where i work i worry about did I shut of the water did i put the vaccum away and then oh god did i lock the door. I will have to check it a million times and then go back and check it again. I will be interested to read other post for this thread.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 1:47pm
Good news! You're NOT going crazy. A lot of us have these issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 1:53pm

having suffered with OCD since I was a child, I've found that it gets worse when my life is especially stressed (things are happening beyond my control.)

Medication can help, so you may want to talk to your doctor. Zoloft was helpful for me, but they have new medication on the market now that my work better.

Just this morning I triple-checked that my door was locked before i could leave for work. Something that seems to help is for me to say out loud (in a whisper so no one can hear me) "Amber, it's locked."

Sometimes saying it out loud makes it real and more concrete.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 2:32pm

welcome banner for Christian graphic pansy flowers background setHi! It's nice to see you here;) You are NOT alone. Many of us deal with these issues. My secondary diagnosis is OCD & though I check & count, mostly my thoughts are obssessive. As others have already told you, stress can be a trigger. If you haven't been sleeping well or eating poorly or maybe not getting enough exercise, this is enough to throw some people off balance.


Meds

 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 3:29pm

Thank you everyone for your replies - it's good to know that I'm not alone in this! :-)

To respond to a few questions...

- I just recently (past few months) had a complete physical and a TON of bloodwork and I was pronounced "abnormally normal", by which my doctor meant that I had THE ideal reading on each & every one of my lab tests so a physical cause is unlikely.

- The past few months I've been exercising regularly (with a trainer even) so you'd think that would help boost my endorphins & other 'happy hormones', wouldn't you? I have noticed that the ONLY time I'm able to shut my brain off & really focus on what I'm doing is when I'm at the gym. It's the only time I feel relaxed anymore.

- I don't have any stress from work because I just left a job that I didn't enjoy. I feel fine about leaving and there is no pressure (financial or otherwise) in terms of needing to find a new job right away. I feel completely certain that I'll find a new job when I set my mind to do so. (And this issue started a couple months before I left the icky job & has increased since I left so I don't see it as being related.)

- There is no major family stress going on at the moment. For over a year now everyone has been healthy & stable and it's been a wonderful relief.

- Heck, I'm about to head to Jamaica for a weeklong vacation so the only real stress right now is what I'll look like in my bathing suit so again I say, WHAT IS MY DEAL!?!?!

My previous experience with anxiety was triggered by a medical ordeal, as I mentioned in my first post. I was passing out & having seizures for no reason & it took months for the doctors to figure out why. In the meantime, I was forced to move home (I was 21 at the time), had to give up my driver's license, quit my job & school, and had to be monitored for every activity - I couldn't eat or bathe or do ANYTHING alone because I might pass out & seize. It was AWFUL and between feeling like an invalid & being told things like "Maybe it's a brain tumor" or "Maybe it's a heart defect" from the laundry list of specialists that kept passing me around for test after test, I flipped out & the anxiety attacks started.

What I'm experiencing now isn't like those old anxiety attacks from 12 years ago. Those attacks would come out of nowhere, and generally only if I was left alone for more than 10 minutes or if I went out in public (seizures can be embarassing) and had more of a "standing in the center of myself and screaming" kind of feel. You know, the whole "I'M GONNA DIE!!!" thing. What I'm experiencing now is anxiety & nervousness that I'm going to do make some stupid mistake & the consequences will be awful. And again, I don't know why.

I'll shut up here in a second but something just occurred to me: I've also noticed over the past few months that I've had a hard time dealing with my anger. I've always been a fairly laid back person & now I find that almost everything I see people do (people at the store or at work or on tv or on the road or in the news) just gets me so freaking angry that sometimes I can't hold my tongue. This became evident to me at my last job when I found myself wanting to just beat the living crap out of certain coworkers because they acted self-important or rude or in a way that I deemed STUPID. I've never been a huge fan of people & have always struggled with social anxiety but having to FORCE myself to resist the urge to just clock the idiot with 10 items in the "8 Items or Less" line...well...that's just out of character. With my family & friends & pets I still hold my temper in check but I know that my demeanor is still edgier than ever before.

Good grief. The more I write this out, the more worried I become. :-(

Thank you again for reading!
S.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 5:57pm

Hi Phoebe & welcome!

Sheri Ann