i'm miserable, will it ever end?
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i'm miserable, will it ever end?
| Mon, 10-30-2006 - 8:17pm |
hi everyone...
i hate that this is who i've become...i've become this miserable, unhappy, withdrawn person...this is a complete oppisite than how i was 6/7 months ago...
i had two panic attacks today, one in the doctors office, and one just sitting at home cuddling with my dear sweet son.

Well - wow - that's a lot of stuff you got off your chest - and hopefully you'll feel a little bit better just by doing that! I have been where you are.. and am proof positive that it gets better.. I also see that you are pregnant which intensifies the feelings you are going through.
I am glad to hear that you are not contemplating suicide...but the wish for death makes me very concerned for your well being. I am hoping you will get past that phase.. hopelessness and helplessness are evil cousins and can sometimes take your brain to places you didn't think it could ever go. Often suicide is a quick decision - but it's a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem. I know you aren't contemplating it - just putting that piece out there - to remind you that the problem is temporary. I one time prayed for the light at the end of the tunnel.. i prayed and prayed and prayed.. and somedays it felt like a way out - and other days it was a train.. I at the time had a very small child and I had to remind myself of the courage that I needed to have for the both of us to be healthy.. after medication and therapy - eventually it got better.. after you deliver your baby - it would be a good idea to get on some meds that can help you "normalize".
I have also been through the panic attacks for no problem - sometimes having 5 a day.. and they were terrifying.. and would be so upsetting cause I would think - ok i'm in the middle of dairy queen having a great day - eating ice cream with loved ones - everything is great - and BAM out of the middle of nowhere a panic attack would start.
or at night - i'd be calm and getting ready to go to bed - lay down and would start to shake, get chest pains, tingling of the hands and feet.. and just completely freak out.. but it does get better..
I'll say a prayer for you to see the light at the end of the tunnel - and know that it's not always the train..
Val
I LOVE YOU HEATHER!! :P
I can tell you honestly that it does get better. I think everyone who suffers from anxiety gets to the point of all hopelessness, call it "bottoming out" if you will. But always remember, when you're at your lowest there is nowhere to go but UP! I agree with Val, pregnancy magnifies our feelings and anxieties. I think I'm still pregnant so I'm right there with you on the increased anxieties and freak out sessions. Although you're a lot closer to being done with it than me! Just think! You're don't have much longer until your hormones are back to normal, and that will relax most of your stress in itself.
Hi Heather,
I can tell you that it will indeed end at one point or get better that is for sure. I have went through PPD twice and I'm still going through the second round as it is. If I compare myself today to 5 months ago I am sooooooooo much better. I have the days where I'm more anxious/panicked than others but they go by easier/faster. The group you are joining will help you a lot...I have recently joined a group of support for Women going through PPD and it has helped me tremendously....knowing that you are not alone and sharing stories is great. You realize that everyone in your situation is feeling the same way and lots of them are thinking just like you are!!! It wont make your suffering go away totally but it will comfort you. I also have started acupuncture treatments and it's doing something good...I can't really explain what but I feel better after a treatment and sometimes I don't.
Don't get down on yourself with those sayings : I have a great husband, great son, a house and nice car....it does not matter ...it just goes to show you that you can have everything in life but you still can feel like crap for no apparent reason. A lot of what you are going through are due to hormones and stress. When pregnant for the second time I started having migraines around the 8th month (something I never had before) and my doctor suggested that it might be because of hormones (because it seems that there is a drastic hormonal change around that time in pregnancy)...well I did not believe her so I went to get my eyes checked and then I went for some other kind of test and finally everything was o.k. so I had to attribute it to hormones ...and ever since I had my baby I did not get one migraine...so you see sometimes we really freak out for nothing because we have no control over what goes on in our bodies..the only thing we can do is go through it the best way we know how; like you mention relaxation, breathing, meditation, yoga, medication ect ect ect. I absolutely know what you mean when you mention that you would be better off dead and just like you I really thought at one point that it would be the only way for the pain to stop but just like you I always thought of my children and husband and I could not conceive leaving them....I know they really need me...so with that reasonning I stuck it out and today I'm so much better.
Take care of yourself..live one day at a time and tell yourself that tomorrow is a whole new day of whole new experiences...it's not just a continuation of the depression/anxiety/panics...
Sonia
I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through PPD 5 years ago, and it was so frightening. I remember wishing there was something really wrong with me so they would just throw me in the hospital and take care of me.
I don't really have any suggestions because it really sounds like you are using all your resources. You must be so exhausted from dealing with all this. It is hard to be in so much pain but not have a visible "illness." What's wrong with us is so insdious, but it can be treated, and you will feel better some day.
One thing that has helped me lately is to tell myself it's OKAY to feel like crap. Yes, I have a good job, loving husband, great kids. But I'm not going to feel 100% all the time, or function 100% all the time, and that's okay. It lets me off the hook, and helps me get through the anxiety faster because I'm not fighting it. It's like it feeds on your resistance or something.
Take care of yourself, and please be sure to tell someone - your therapist, doctor, husband, a friend, whoever, how much you are despairing. Just getting it off your chest and letting someone who cares about you carry that load for a while will help.
Anxiety like this does come to an end. It will burn itself out eventually. I think it has stuck around so long, Heather, because you're restricted. Not getting out &
thank you all so much for the support and kind words.
(((Heather)))
Sheri Ann
You sound exactly like my ds.
He has good days and bad days but lately they seem to be getting better.
I think depression becomes a co-exister when someone has an anxiety disorder.
My ds sometimes feels bad because he has social anxiety.
It not only has impacted on him but on me.
Last night was a great night.
We had pizza and hung out together.
Sometimes he feels very guilty because we don't do the things we used to but you know it really doesn't matter and I try to tell him that.
The last thing he needs is to feel guilty and he feels much better because we know what is wrong.
Your ds loves you I am sure.
My ds and I take it one day at time.
Little moments.
I have explained it is not because he doesn't want to, he is unable to and no apologies are needed.
Just wanted to tell you I am a mom who is beginning to understand how hard this has been for my ds.
Actually I may have it myself and I believe my beloved mom did.
Right now he needs to know he is in control.
Really glad I found this board because he knows he is not the ONLY one who is dealing with this.
That truly helps him.
Heather I have you in my thoughts and prayers.
You are an amazing woman.
My heart goes out to you I wish there was something more I could do or say.
It's not your fault.
Some ppl don't understand my ds is uncomfortable around large crowds, strangers but that is THEIR problem not HIS.
He is working on it in his own time, his comfort zone.
Maybe you are pushing yourself too much.
Take care of yourself hon.
I believe it will get better.
Hope it carries us through the difficult times.
Hugs hon.