Not sure what to do about DH..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Not sure what to do about DH..
5
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 9:17pm
I'm really depressed about this, and anxious as well. I'm not sure how to handle this situation, so I was hoping someone could help me. DH made it into New Mexico this evening and is staying the night with his parents. He doesn't plan on being here until Sunday. However, I really want him to be here with us for Thanksgiving. We had briefly talked about it when we were deciding on flying the girls and me out here. Intially I said, No, no way I want us together. Then he kept saying that it'd be easier on everyone, so I caved and said OK. He called me this evening and I told him how I was feeling about wanting him to come home. And he got all agitated with me. He says that he wants to spend a few days with his parents, which I can understand, honestly I do. But during the holidays its extremely important to me to be with your spouse and children. So I REALLY REALLY want him here, but then again I feel really bad for wanting that. And I'm scared that if he decides to head this way tomorrow that his parents will resent me thinking that I'm selfish. This is so depressing and anxiety inducing to me. What should I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 9:47pm
(((Ashley))) I am sorry to hear this. I am certain it's a big disappointment, but sounds like this was agreeable to both of you @ one point. We all have to make concessions in a relationship. Can you delay your holiday dinner until Sunday? If your dh is someone that will change his mind, you can try that approach. However, he has valid reasons for seeing his family. Maybe he needs a break after his schooling. Everyone has to find what gives them peace with the decisions they make. Hoping there's peace for you. Keep your chin up! jan


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 10:11pm
Well, we talked again. And he made me very mad and i hung up on him (stupid i know). i just don't want to talk to him right now. he makes it sound like other things are more important than his family. great peachy that he wants time to himself, but i bust my butt day in and day out with the kids and the house; my family is at the top of my list. I don't get a break at all. And no he's not coming here, he's stayin in NM until Sunday. Beautiful start of Thanksgiving for me..just friggin peachy. He says the he wants to spend holidays with his family as well and I told him that that was impossible considering our budget and the fact they are in another state. Maybe we should've considered this before we got married....I can't stop crying and I'm trying to keep myself calm while walking around my parents..I really don't know anymore. I feel like I give and give to this family, I try so hard and i feel like i always get screwed. I'm not sure about this anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 9:13am

Hugs Ashley,

Holidays can be so stressful! I know it seems so unfair that your DH is not coming, but would it really be better if he was there and stressing out too?

Can you have a talk with your parents and get their help with the kids? Maybe find a relative or sitter one day and you & your Mom have a "girl's day out" or something? It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive, just some space and pampering or time to unwind and talk.

I get wound up too, so I know it's not easy to let go of the anxiety, but hey you are with family and can still have a great Thanksgiving. Are there family traditions you can concentrate on and enjoy as a distraction? Special dishes or activities with the kids?

Sending thoughts and prayers your way!
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 12:29pm
it's good that you let him know how important it is that you be together. AND i know how you feel that if he does come home to you it makes you look a certain way in his parent's eyes. i've had this issue before as well and my therapist said the best thing for me to do is to let my husband know how i feel and what i want instead of just doing whatever because your worried about upsetting his family if i decide i don't want to stay at their place or come home, whatever. in return, i'm keeping the peace there but not inside myself. without doing this you will start to resent and it's a downward spiral. so, so far, you're doing good in telling your husband! but then the worrying begins with worrying about upsetting his parents and you have to try to not worry about that. hard i know but it's hurting you not having your husband home with the rest of you. AND it's not selfish of you to feel this way-you thinking your selfish is the same as you worrying about what his parents think and they're actually being selfish if they can't understand why you want him home. don't you wish families would just understand?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 12:47pm

Thanks for joining in the board discussion & adding your insights to Ashley's dilemma. We appreciate it. Hope to see you often;) Good luck & GBU! (((hugs))) jan



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