Just a quick DH update

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Just a quick DH update
8
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 11:21am

This past week has been extremely long for me. And a good majority of that time has been spent wondering if I'm still married. I have gone into a pretty deep depression, and have contemplated suicide; thankfully I literally had the sense slapped back into me. I had made a major mistake in my marriage, my DH and I have talked about it and he says he wants to work through it. Although that certainly hasn't seemed to be the case the past few days.

Among that mistake, he says he has other problems with me. Such as, I just seem to pawn the girls off on him so that "I could relive my teenage years that I never got" (exact quote), I don't clean the house well enough, I don't do enough laundry, and he doesn't want to cook when he comes home. And for some reason he has this notion that I'm not proud of him. I thought I was doing a good job! I cleaned as much as I could, we lived in a crappy teeny tiny apartment, usually by the time he came home it was a mess again, I was exhausted and trying to cook and keep the kids from killing eachother. I can't help that I became burnt out, stressed out, and sick towards the end of our stay in Cali.

But what my issues are they don't seem to matter. It's all him and none of my problems with him are important. I tried to talk with my mom last night about it. And all she did was side with him. I realize that since I was the one staying home I took on all that responsibility; but I refuse to believe that means me smiling and keeping my mouth shut is what is described in that job description. I have issues with him too, why doesn't my problems matter and why can't they be worked on?

He says that if things don't change we're going to split up. Great, so now I have to be on my absolute best behaviour with no mistakes, or I lose him. Where did I go so wrong? I just don't understand. He's always said that when he got married that was it, no divorce (which I feel the same way). And he's said this since I've known the guy, since we were young. And now suddenly its, if you don't be a better housewife I'm gone.

He was supposed to be home yesterday, he decided to tell me Sunday that he didn't know when he was coming home. And finally last night tells me he'll be home Wednesday, great so I have to cancel the dinner that my grandmother was making for him. He hasn't seemed like he's cared about me or his kids since he's gotten into New Mexico. He never calls, I have to call him. And he hasn't wanted to come home. And he wonders why I'm wondering what he's really doing.

I just don't know where this is going. I feel like I'm not good enough for him anymore. Now I feel like no matter what I do, its not going to be right and he's just going to be thinking its only a matter of time before she screws up. I've thought about just leaving and letting have the girls. Atleast then they'll have a good parent and a good life. Much better than I can give them.

Sorry for the long rant, I don't have anyone to talk to. I just feel like I'm being the one left to tend for everything and he's not expected to help me in anyway. I mean I'm going crazy here with the girls, and he's getting almost a 2 week vacation from them. I haven't had anything. I didn't know getting married meant giving up everything for me, I didn't know it meant me being unhappy and just smiling and acting like everything is honkey dory. Not even my mom agrees that I need validation and appreciation, she says all the problems are my fault.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 11:41am

I am sorry to hear this. You know as well as I do, Ashley, that marriage is a two way street. Both parties have to work hard to MAKE it work. Perhaps dh will be amenable to seeing a couple's therapist upon his return. If he won't go, then you go alone. It will still be to your advantage.


TBH, it would seem to me that you could not have been a total screw-up in 7 months time. Your dh & even your mom are being unfair. That makes me think that they know you can be bullied. Don't allow this! You are a good person. You have worth & value. You are a good mom. What you are NOT is their verbal punching bag. Or your dh's personal slave.


You need to make some decisions on what you want out of this relationship. You must put some of your needs first. That's why I think a couple's therapist would be a valuable asset in making those decisions & addressing your needs. No relationship is healthy that causes you to consider ending your life. Please stay safe & reach out for *real life* help. There is no shame in that. Sending P&PT's your way. I care. (((hugs))) jan

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 12:25pm
I just talked to a girlfriend. She says that I just need to get out. She says that this is houw it started with her ex husband and then it escalated to beatings. She says that if its gotten to this point in 7 months then something is wrong and that he's making excuses to get out. This makes the 3rd person to tell me he just wants out. I'm scared, I don't want to lose my husband I love him so much. Something is just nagging me that its something deeper with him that he just suddenly tripped out. I want to be with him. And I want to talk to him, but I don't know how to bring it around to talk with him. I want to talk to him now, but he'll be home tomorrow and I also want to be face to face with him so I can see how he's reacting and I can see if he's telling the truth. What do I do? I don't want to forget what I want to say...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 2:10pm

ashley,


i am sorry to hear that you are going through all this:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 2:16pm

Have you considered writing him a letter, telling him how you feel?

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 2:40pm
Things are much better. Isn't it crazy how one second you're screwed up the next you're better. DH and I sat down and talked about everything. He's not leaving, nor are we divorcing. He says that he just let everything ball up inside him that one thing just set him off and what he does when he's angry is just go into himself to think things through. I know its not too great of him to do that. He agrees that he has things to work on as well. He says if I'm willing to work on us then he is too. He says he just needed time away to be with his family and work out his mind. He's going to be here between 3-5 tomorrow and we'll talk more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-1998
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 2:40pm

The question that Ann Landers and Dear Abby always say you need to ask is "are you better with or without him?" Now I know financially you're dependent on him and that is very scary, but it sounds like he is a very controlling person and is bordering on emotional and verbal abuse. I'm sorry your Mom isnt' supporting you on this- but I guess she has issues of her own.

Do you really want your kids exposed to this kind of verbal abuse? I saw from your profile that you are very young still and you really do have most of your life ahead of you. You should go to counseling even if your dh doesn't. It is hard when you are that young to be objective about relationships when you have this dream about it in your head but the sooner you assess the situation realistically the better you (and your kids) will be. He is beating you down to get his self-esteem up.

Do you have any friends you could temporarily move in with if you can't move back home? You will need that until you get back on your feet.

Sending many prayers and positive vibes your way.

But he isn't good enough for you - not the other way around!!!!

signature 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 5:38pm

(((Heather)))

I agree with Jan, she made some good points. Please don't take the blame for this. Maybe you made a mistake, but that does not give anyone the right to put you down or make ultimatums.

I'm glad you were able to talk with DH and both get calmed down. I hope you are able to work things out even better when he gets home. I think the couples counseling would be a good idea...getting a neutral individual to help with perspective on these issues.

You sound like you have some good friends too. It's a relief that your DH is talking now, but you already seem to realize that more needs to addressed and I hope you can find a fair solution to some of this. Remember your needs and rights count too!!

Hugs,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 7:25pm

Sounds good :)


Sheri Ann