hopeless
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| Tue, 12-12-2006 - 11:09pm |
Hi everyone,
I was at chat tonight, but guess I didn’t feel like taking up the whole time, because everything right now seems a bit too much. Not really overwhelming, but just not good. I knew if I started I wouldn’t be able to finish and then just feel incomplete. Does that make sense? Jan I was going to email you, but I closed out of the window before I wrote it down (whoops). Anyways, last week was horrible. I changed my schedule so I only work Tuesday through Friday. I went to work on Tuesday and had an anxiety attack. I was crying in my office praying that no one comes to my door or let themselves in. When the therapist meeting was canceled I called my License supervisor and went to meet with her and cried for another hour. Everything felt hopeless, I kept blaming it on my being sick, but I had been sick for two months I know it’s my anxiety and my depression. I didn’t want to tell her that though. What kind of a therapist goes to work and cries because they can’t deal with their life. Should they be a therapist then? So through the week I’m just going through the motions still hating my life.
Then on Thursday, the roads were icy and I’m on my way to work and I slide off the road into a ten foot ditch. It was a soft impact but my car was at an angle that I guy who stopped had to help me climb out of my car. It really didn’t hit me until I called work to tell them I’d be late. My car was at such an angle that if I had been going any faster I would have rolled my car, a convertible of all things. Luckily the damage was not bad at all. My tire was knocked off the rim and the alignment was just off a little. We originally thought the axel was bent and the rims would need to be replaced, but I lucked out. I was anxious to drive even on good roads after that.
Because my car was being fixed I didn’t get to go to my friend’s house this weekend and make cookies, but that really wasn’t what kept me from going. I was depressed and didn’t want to do anything. So I used that as an excuse. I laid on the couch all weekend and moped about, dreading about going back to work. For three days I was miserable, but couldn’t get up and do anything about it. My family is driving me nuts and I just want my own place, but I know that I’ll feel like crap if I go get an apartment, because I don’t want to waste my money on rent. BUT I’m not sure I’m ready to buy. I’M SO SCREWED UP!!! I am 25 and I sleep on my parents couch. I don’t do anything for myself pretty much because I’m either too tired, too depressed for watching my sisters kids who all including my sister live with my parents. My sister’s getting a divorce and I think she ahs decided she doesn’t want kids anymore, I know she loves them, but she’s kinda being selfish right now. She knows her son hates the guy she likes, but she still has him over a lot. She’s not even divorced so it’s still fresh and my nephew hates it and her response is get over it and she doesn’t want to make it into a competition. I know I shouldn’t involve myself with her problems and my old counselor would be having a fit, but it still bothers me.
Speaking of counselors…I did call and make an appointment but its not until Jan 8th. I don’t feel I can wait that long.
Oh and my issue with dating has risen again. My anxiety gets in the way of any chance that I will ever have a relationship. In other words I’m pathetic and will be alone for the rest of my life.
Well, I feel like there is more, but I can’t typed anymore or think of anything else to write except this can’t go on. I’m taking my medication and doing everything that I’m supposed to be doing, kind of, so why aren’t I happy. Thanks for listening to me vent. I will try to be at chat of Thursday
Jessica

Oh my, Jessica. I am sorry to hear about this. It does sound as if depression has set in. Your title *hopeless* says it all): But, we know from experience that this is the depression talking. If you were feeling better, your outlook would improve.
We have had alot of people post to the board with these thoughts after graduation & trying to find a good job. Or in your case, second guessing the job you have? It does seem that the structure & routine of school life is gone. Facing the future & all it's responsibilities seems overwhelming. You are under too much stress & need to reduce some of the burden. In fact, IMHO, you are putting alot of pressure on yourself.
You are still young, gf:)
hi jessica,
well, it seems that we have a lot in common.
Jessica I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I would have talked you into staying last night and "talking". I know you don't know me very well but please feel free to email me through my profile anytime and we can "talk". I'm a good listener and have strong shoulders in case you just need a good cry.
Keitha
I have panic disoder and I can relate to many of your
problems. I think what you need is some kind of change
in your life-- maybe some new interest or activity!
I know you don't feel like it and would rather sit and relax
BUT this will NOT help much---
FORGET MR WONDERFUL for now!! When you feel bad no man can help!!
TRUST ME ON THAT ONE!! Have you tried playing with any of those
kids roaming the house?? I know it may sound silly but my
Grand daughter takes my anxiety and blues away! Works like a charm
for me!! A good book works too or even a good movie---
find somethings to look forward to!! I hope this helps a little
and I hope to talk with you in chat on Thursday! GB, Judy
Wow, Jessica, you sure have alot going on right now.
Sheri Ann
Hi everyone,
Thank you all for your replies. You all made me feel better and thank you for the suggestions. I told myself when I still lived in Akron that I was going to find some yoga classes right away as I move. I guess now would be a good time to do that. I also got the paperwork from the therapist's office and I filled it out tonight, that actually made me feel better too. Not sure why. I am still a little anxious about calling the insurance to get approval to go to counseling. I putting it off because I'm afraid they will say no. Stupid huh. I even keep asking myself what would I tell a client. As you can tell I don't practice what I preach. Anyways thank you all again and I will hopefully make it to chat tomorrow night. And Sheri Ann to answer your question I drive a chrysler lebaron an old one but it's still a convertible ;). Talk to you all later.
Jessica
Sheri Ann
I don't know you but feel I should tell you that you aren't ALONE and you are after all human.
Sometimes it is a lot easier and less scarey to take care of and fix other ppl's problems.
I feel you are being way too hard on yourself.
You are obviously a very caring person and it shows in your concern for your nephew.
I sense you are also feeling you are a burden.
Everyone who is now aware of my ds's anxiety either gets it or they don't...bottom line it is very real...for him and for you.
We all need to sometimes take a mhd and look after ourselves.
Best Wishes!
Glad you have an appointment and I wish you could get in sooner.
The waiting sometimes is the last thing someone with anxiety needs.
It makes it all the more harder to cope, and prolongs the agony.
Take care hon.